So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head
I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway
We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.
I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate
After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point. Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.
The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.
At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry
So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head
I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway
We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.
I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate
After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point. Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.
The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.
At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry
And now the end is near and it's time to face the final curtain
So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head
I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway
We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.
I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate
After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point. Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.
The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.
At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry
With olive oil being poured into your rectum, I'm not suprised by the dribbling.
Me and a mate pulled these two birds one night and we had come out of the pub at closing time and were getting to know each other down the side of some house (classy, I know!). Anyway me and the bird I was with were having a snog and a fumble, but 10 yards further up, my mate was already banging his bird up against the wall and giving it some luvva man noises. All of a sudden he let out an almighty scream, turns out his todger had slipped out and he had grazed it on the pebble dash wall he was giving her one against. It took me and the girl I was with about 10 minutes to get off the floor where we were pissing ourselves laughing. His old boy was in a right mess, blood everywhere. Aah, good old days!
Me and a mate pulled these two birds one night and we had come out of the pub at closing time and were getting to know each other down the side of some house (classy, I know!). Anyway me and the bird I was with were having a snog and a fumble, but 10 yards further up, my mate was already banging his bird up against the wall and giving it some luvva man noises. All of a sudden he let out an almighty scream, turns out his todger had slipped out and he had grazed it on the pebble dash wall he was giving her one against. It took me and the girl I was with about 10 minutes to get off the floor where we were pissing ourselves laughing. His old boy was in a right mess, blood everywhere. Aah, good old days!
I have a few mates in the army. Who happen to go out every Friday and Saturday night. They all have a pact. Once they have pulled there conquest for the night and done the deed. There mission is to leave but they have to steal the tv remote. So far there is 23 remotes in a box in there naffi.you can just Imagine the women turning the house upside down to look for the remote.
Me and a mate pulled these two birds one night and we had come out of the pub at closing time and were getting to know each other down the side of some house (classy, I know!). Anyway me and the bird I was with were having a snog and a fumble, but 10 yards further up, my mate was already banging his bird up against the wall and giving it some luvva man noises. All of a sudden he let out an almighty scream, turns out his todger had slipped out and he had grazed it on the pebble dash wall he was giving her one against. It took me and the girl I was with about 10 minutes to get off the floor where we were pissing ourselves laughing. His old boy was in a right mess, blood everywhere. Aah, good old days!
Me and a mate pulled these two birds one night and we had come out of the pub at closing time and were getting to know each other down the side of some house (classy, I know!). Anyway me and the bird I was with were having a snog and a fumble, but 10 yards further up, my mate was already banging his bird up against the wall and giving it some luvva man noises. All of a sudden he let out an almighty scream, turns out his todger had slipped out and he had grazed it on the pebble dash wall he was giving her one against. It took me and the girl I was with about 10 minutes to get off the floor where we were pissing ourselves laughing. His old boy was in a right mess, blood everywhere. Aah, good old days!
I have a few mates in the army. Who happen to go out every Friday and Saturday night. They all have a pact. Once they have pulled there conquest for the night and done the deed. There mission is to leave but they have to steal the tv remote. So far there is 23 remotes in a box in there naffi.you can just Imagine the women turning the house upside down to look for the remote.
I have a few mates in the army. Who happen to go out every Friday and Saturday night. They all have a pact. Once they have pulled there conquest for the night and done the deed. There mission is to leave but they have to steal the tv remote. So far there is 23 remotes in a box in there naffi.you can just Imagine the women turning the house upside down to look for the remote.
Met a bird at a club in Angel 3 years ago on my 26th birthday and it turned out she was a massive football fan, Birmingham City.
Anyway, went back to hers' and I was absolutely steaming after my mates had ploughed me with God knows how many birthday shots that evening.
Did the business, and then woke up a couple of hours later feeling like I had fallen out of the sky.
I'd completely forgotton that she had told me about her love of football the night before. We opened our eyes, and in that awkward first moment the next morning.....what was the first thing she said...?.......
Met a bird at a club in Angel 3 years ago on my 26th birthday and it turned out she was a massive football fan, Birmingham City.
Anyway, went back to hers' and I was absolutely steaming after my mates had ploughed me with God knows how many birthday shots that evening.
Did the business, and then woke up a couple of hours later feeling like I had fallen out of the sky.
I'd completely forgotton that she had told me about her love of football the night before. We opened our eyes, and in that awkward first moment the next morning.....what was the first thing she said...?.......
Met a bird at a club in Angel 3 years ago on my 26th birthday and it turned out she was a massive football fan, Birmingham City.
Anyway, went back to hers' and I was absolutely steaming after my mates had ploughed me with God knows how many birthday shots that evening.
Did the business, and then woke up a couple of hours later feeling like I had fallen out of the sky.
I'd completely forgotton that she had told me about her love of football the night before. We opened our eyes, and in that awkward first moment the next morning.....what was the first thing she said...?.......
I'd been stood at the bar in a club for about 10 minutes chatting to the mixed group of friends with whom I'd arrived, when an adult female walked up and pointing to a tall woman halfway across the dance floor said "Allo, my mate over there really likes you, you gonna come over and say hello?" just like teenagers do at school discos, except these two were both 30. Being single at the time and having been raised as a gentleman I graciously accepted the unexpected invitation. The mate did indeed 'really like' me, about 45 minutes later and on several subsequent occasions over the following couple of weeks.
Is this how you got your username ?
Username? What do you mean username?
As for those commenters who think it's ok to slate a woman for behaviour regarded as reasonable for a chap, kindly keep your rank misogyny to yourself and grow the f up.
I have a few mates in the army. Who happen to go out every Friday and Saturday night. They all have a pact. Once they have pulled their conquest for the night and done the deed. Their mission is to leave but they have to steal the tv remote. So far there is 23 remotes in a box in their naffi.you can just Imagine the women turning the house upside down to look for the remote.
I once arranged a blind date and told her I would be the one on Peckham Queens Rd station at 8pm in the cycle shorts with a copy of the Guardian under my arm.
I was still there at 9:30.
I'm stunned that a bloke waiting on Peckham Queens Rd station at 8pm in cycle shorts with a copy of the Guardian under his arm, got stood up.
So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head
I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway
We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.
I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate
After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point. Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.
The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.
At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry
Close the thread - there is no point continuing any further.
I'd been stood at the bar in a club for about 10 minutes chatting to the mixed group of friends with whom I'd arrived, when an adult female walked up and pointing to a tall woman halfway across the dance floor said "Allo, my mate over there really likes you, you gonna come over and say hello?" just like teenagers do at school discos, except these two were both 30. Being single at the time and having been raised as a gentleman I graciously accepted the unexpected invitation. The mate did indeed 'really like' me, about 45 minutes and on several subsequent occasions over the following couple of weeks.
So, one I'm not so proud of but has popped into my head
I'd met a girl online who was pretty forward, she happened to be a stripper too. I suspect she may have done the occasional private job too. Anyway
We had been chatting on the phone and to be frank, really explaining in detail what we were going to do to each other. We'd exchanged explicit photographs or one another and finally hooked up at a bar and ended up back at mine.
I'm aware kids read this site so please edit of this next bit is inappropriate
After some more booze and a dribble of narcotics we'd begun the most rancid, filthy sexual ritual I'd been involved in during my life up to that point Boundaries were shattered and taboos were broken. One which included one of her digits being eased up my rectum. Leaving a false nail behind.
The discomfort still makes my teeth creak to this day. The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.
At this point it was about 5am and I was rewarded with what should have been one of the most thorough blowjobs I've ever had but it's fair to say the magic had dampened somewhat and I felt a bit..... interupted. Anyway she remained keen as mustard but that night had tainted me and I felt vandalised if I'm totally blunt so things dribbled out. Ones thing is for sure I don't think I'll forget that cold January night in 2009 in a hurry
I didn't clock this bit first time around, you dirty bastard! Haha
OMFG, absolutely PMSL in the office at @Carter's story, I need ventolin otherwise I'm going to have an asthma attack. How the hell did I miss this thread? This is a CL classic
I'm literally howling with tears in my eyes at some of these and I'm only on Page 2. Back later, off to read more... some of the stories and some of the follow up lines.
So, The first 'date' ended with me face down, arse up and her pouring olive oil up my coy using a succession of things trying to retrieve said fingernail. Eventually the fucking thing was retrieved with the handles of two teaspoons acting as weird forceppy chopsticks.
Missed this thread first time around.
I was literally on the verge of tears of laughter ready my this five mins ago. I don't think there has ever been a more in appropriate time for my son to say "daddy what are you laughing at, mummy what is daddy laughing at" "I don't know, tell him what you are laughing at"
Part of me wanted to say "ok, you've asked for it"!
Comments
Gutted he was my hero
Carter the old Carter is back
Anyway, went back to hers' and I was absolutely steaming after my mates had ploughed me with God knows how many birthday shots that evening.
Did the business, and then woke up a couple of hours later feeling like I had fallen out of the sky.
I'd completely forgotton that she had told me about her love of football the night before. We opened our eyes, and in that awkward first moment the next morning.....what was the first thing she said...?.......
"So who have Charlton got in the cup?"
"Erm.....Huddersfield"
As for those commenters who think it's ok to slate a woman for behaviour regarded as reasonable for a chap, kindly keep your rank misogyny to yourself and grow the f up.
Petrolhead Tory cow. Her loss.
I miss English women....
I'm weeping.
I was literally on the verge of tears of laughter ready my this five mins ago. I don't think there has ever been a more in appropriate time for my son to say "daddy what are you laughing at, mummy what is daddy laughing at" "I don't know, tell him what you are laughing at"
Part of me wanted to say "ok, you've asked for it"!