A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Utterly indefensible racist nonsense. I still burst out laughing on a train though
Woman comes back from spa day and says to her husband “Do you know, that young masseuse told me that I had the breasts of 35 year old, the hips of a 28 year old, and the bum of a 25 year old”
“Oh yeh” he said, “what about your 55 year old twat?”
"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"
my old grandad worked on motorway maintenance until he got sacked for stealing … and when the police checked his shed .. yes, the signs of his theft were all there
The only way the parents could pull off a Sunday afternoon shag with their 8 -year old son in the flat, was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. ‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted. ‘An ambulance just drove past’ ‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out. ‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’ ‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’ ‘Jason is on his skateboard! After a few moments he announced, ‘The Coopers are having a shag! Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’ ‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.
"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure, I think she choked.'
Son: When is the moon heaviest? Me: Hang on. *googles* Well, apart from collecting meteoric material, its weight doesn’t really change. And anyway, the meteoric material is minuscule compared to the total mass of 7.35 x 1022 kg. Its density is... Son: [sadly] When it's full.
Comments
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
She asks her husband, "what should I do?" The husband replies "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Because of the telly ban.
Until she checked the freezer.
“Do you know, that young masseuse told me that I had the breasts of 35 year old, the hips of a 28 year old, and the bum of a 25 year old”
“Oh yeh” he said, “what about your 55 year old twat?”
“ He never mentioned you once” she said.
Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
"This relationship is what? Over!"
But he sucks on an organ.
You never know when you might need a nail.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-norfolk-46301319
I said, "What are you doing these days?"
He said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, drug addicts, piss heads and down and outs."
I said, "Oh, are you working for the Salvation Army?"
He said, "No. Wetherspoons!"
Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.
‘An ambulance just drove past’
‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.
‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’
‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’
‘Jason is on his skateboard!
After a few moments he announced,
‘The Coopers are having a shag!
Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’
‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.
Doctors have given her two decades to live.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room.
"What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure, I think she choked.'
He said can you tell me about the symptoms.
I said not really, I only know Homer.
It’s currently half empty...
maybe Whacky instead ?
Me: Hang on. *googles* Well, apart from collecting meteoric material, its weight doesn’t really change. And anyway, the meteoric material is minuscule compared to the total mass of 7.35 x 1022 kg. Its density is...
Son: [sadly] When it's full.
Me: Hang on. *googles* Originally from Kenya, the Achatina Fulica now...
Son: [sadly] Giants' fingers.
Me: Pterodactyls no longer exist, and even if...
Son: [sadly] Its P's silent.
#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!