The only songs you're allowed to sing at my local church are 'Anyone Who Had a Heart' and 'Big Spender'. I think the priest accidentally took a vow of Cilla Bassey.
An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car breaks down. An Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town. She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off.
The ride is uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian lets out a "Whoo!". It's so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills. When they arrive in town, he lets her off at the local service station, and yells one final "Yahoo!". Then he rides off.
"what did you do to get that Indian so excited" asks the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off"
"Lady', the attendant says, 'Indians ride bareback"
The Queen and President Trump are riding in the Royal carriage down Pall Mall chatting politely when one of the horses breaks wind. The smell is terrible and bothe the Queen and President Trump are too embarrassed to say anything until the Queen breaks the awkward silence.
Mr President, I'm so sorry. As you now realise, there are some things over which even the Queen of England has no control"
Very graciously President Trump replies "Think nothing of it Your Majesty. If you not said anything, I would have thought it was the horse".
The Queen and President Trump are riding in the Royal carriage down Pall Mall chatting politely when one of the horses breaks wind. The smell is terrible and bothe the Queen and President Trump are too embarrassed to say anything until the Queen breaks the awkward silence.
Mr President, I'm so sorry. As you now realise, there are some things over which even the Queen of England has no control"
Very graciously President Trump replies "Think nothing of it Your Majesty. If you not said anything, I would have thought it was the horse".
Bligus when this one first came out, 110 years ago, it was Queen Victoria and the Kaiser, and it was bloody old then!
A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do to get sex round here?"
The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much, but when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day and again the day after.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic, liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" she asked.
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature," he replied.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action," came the response.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am," he replied unperturbed.
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not. It's only 2130 now."
Ray the Chicken Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'
Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ray.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"
She screamed, "No! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump, which goes to show that suicide counselling really works!
Dog ran off last night. Spent three hours out looking for him. Wife said I should look harder. So I shaved my head and got a tattoo but still couldn't find him.
I went to the sperm clinic earlier today and the receptionist ask if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said I'm good but I'm not sure I want to compete in a tournament just yet.
Comments
The Iraq troop leader says, "we"re going to shoot you, but we will give you one last request."
He says to the Welshman, "what"s your last request?"The Welshman says, "I want a thousand Welshman singing "Land of my Fathers".""Okay, you"ve got it.
What about you?" he says to the Scotsman."I want a thousand Scots pipers piping Scotland the brave," says the Scot."You"ve got it" says the Iraqi.
"What"s your last request?" he says to the Irishman."I want a thousand Irishman doing the Riverdance" says Paddy."It"s yours" says the Iraqi.
Turning to the Englishman, he says, "and your last request?"
The Englishman says, "f*cking shoot me first".
My boss rushed over, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"That's fine but there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."
The ride is uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian lets out a "Whoo!". It's so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills. When they arrive in town, he lets her off at the local service station, and yells one final "Yahoo!". Then he rides off.
"what did you do to get that Indian so excited" asks the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off"
"Lady', the attendant says, 'Indians ride bareback"
Sighs, if I had a penne for every pasta pun
Mr President, I'm so sorry. As you now realise, there are some things over which even the Queen of England has no control"
Very graciously President Trump replies "Think nothing of it Your Majesty. If you not said anything, I would have thought it was the horse".
Proved her wrong when I drove pasta.
A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks "What does one do to get sex round here?"
The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much, but when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day and again the day after.
Then he asks "Can I do this every day?"
"yes, every day except Wednesday"
"Why not on Wednesday?"
"Because Wednesday is YOUR turn in the barrel"
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" she asked.
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature," he replied.
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action," came the response.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am," he replied unperturbed.
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not. It's only 2130 now."
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, it's primal urge is to cluck defiance.
She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella.
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'
Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ray.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"
She screamed, "No! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"
He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."
She didn't jump, which goes to show that suicide counselling really works!
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
"No"
"Me neither"