That makes no sense. What do you mean where is this missing pound? If you're asking how you ended up with a pound then it's because you borrowed more than you needed, 3 quid more, and after paying back 2 you're left with 1
A gummy bear went to the doctor and explained that he thinks he had an STD, the doctor asks "you can't have an STD, your a gummy bear" so the bear replied "yeah, but I've been shagging all sorts"
an RAC van overtook me today. I noticed the driver was talking to himself and crying his eyes out............. I thought......he's heading for a breakdown !!!!!!
a woman was walking her dog by the river when the dog fell in and was drowning. Suddenly a German dwarf appeared, dived in and rescued the dog. He got the dog onto the riverbank and gave it the kiss of life. The dog coughed up water and started wagging its tail again. The woman was amazed and asked "are you a little vet?"
"a little vet........ I'm F**king soaking" he replied
Soundas: I think it was an old Max Miller joke so it's decades old!
I was walking round a very narrow mountain pass; rock face on one side, sheer drop on the other. Along the ledge from the other end come a very pretty girl. There was no room to pass. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off.
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked.
“ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta fkn do wiv you?
Just like to point out Mr Totaladdicktion that this thread is for JOKES.
I'm beginning to think that you really don't like me, or are you just playing forum cop or something??? I could be easily offended you know..............
I don't know you. I have no opinion about you personally but your contributions to this thread are either racist, sexist, downright offensive or all three. They are just not funny.
Comments
You're adding the wrong things together,
Should be 49+49+1 for dad+1 for mum = 100. It's the +1 to yourself which is the problem.
Clear? :-)
I was talking to the blokee over the road the other day.
"My wifes just told me shes been having an affair with Dave the milkman" he said.
"What? That fat ugly Fucker I see every morning outside your house?"
"Yes," He said.
"Why would Dave the milkman want to shag that?"
I'm here all week
a woman was walking her dog by the river when the dog fell in and was drowning. Suddenly a German dwarf appeared, dived in and rescued the dog. He got the dog onto the riverbank and gave it the kiss of life. The dog coughed up water and started wagging its tail again. The woman was amazed and asked "are you a little vet?"
"a little vet........ I'm F**king soaking" he replied
I said to my wife that I'd heard the milkman had shagged every woman in our street except one.
She said "I bet it's that snooty cow at No.32."
Bloke goes home from the pub and tells his wife....
"That lousy bastard of a milkman is claiming he's screwed every woman in this street except for one"
She smirks at him and replies.........."Ooooooh, I bet it's that stuck-up bitch at No 47".
Oh my.........I saw the other milkman joke from SE10 (just above) and it prompted me to post mine....I bet that's what made you think of it too.
cliveveg.............I would greatly appreciate you not issuing a writ for plagurism.
Yes it was what prompted me.
To be honest, it wasn't my joke...... I heard it before about 30 years ago! ;-)
I met a transvestite from the Greater Manchester area in the pub on Friday......
He had a Wigan address.....
i said "are you a pole vaulter?"
he said "no i am german but how did you know my name was walter ?"
He had a Wigan address.....
:-)
Paul McCartney s already upset with his new wife. Apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as the last one...
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake
measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours
of
Friday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering
around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the
Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds
of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come
to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in
Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It
was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my
bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept
through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching
Jeremy Kyle the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are
still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of
personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth
Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or
Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys
B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked.
“ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta fkn do wiv you?
I could be easily offended you know..............