The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Brooklyn Tony.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
Brooklyn Tony ON MATHs
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' "
Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candybars at a time?"
Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -
Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"WATCH THE WATCH --- WATCH THE WATCH ---- WATCH THE WATCH."
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
They were hypnotised.
And then suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT," said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre.
Sorry I must have missed it, but it would appear that my contribution had already been posted. Next time I will look through the complete thread before posting. Apologises all.
There's been an accident in the Nestle warehouse, a stack of pallets collapsed. The storeman shouted out 'the milky bars are on me' but everyone just cheered.
What! Not again? The health and safety executive will be taking a dim view of Nestle, their accident record is appalling.
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted “The milky bars are on me” everyone cheered.
And at the Rowntree factory, a bloke fell into a vat of chocolate. The other workers shouted “ Billy, don’t be an Aero “.
A wealthy Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery his doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds and £50,000.
A couple of days later the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab had not shown his previous generosity. He phoned him and said, "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another car, more diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now."
Ethel checked into a fancy hotel on her 65th Birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed about her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills, flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a coin off his well-oiled buns! She figured, "What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call."
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded so sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right to the point. "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. I should be honest with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now! Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready! How does that sound?"
The man replied, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
I was walking past the Plough & Harrow last night and this blonde comes stumbling out covered in claret. I asked her 'Where you bleeding from ?!' 'Welling!' she says.
An engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer guy is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan replies, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Matt Le Blanc told a joke on the Graham Norton show about a man who was very excited to win a prize, an audience with the Pope.
When the day at last arrived he found himself last in line of 50 to receive a blessing from His Holiness.
The Pope approached the first in line and blessed him with the sign of a cross. Same with the second. The third person was dressed in an awful dirty smelly coat, torn trousers and shoes beyond repair. The Pope gave him a hug and moved on.
The man at the end of the line thought how great it would be to have a hug from the Pope, not just a blessing. So he ducked round behind the long line, approached the tramp and offered him $1,000 for his coat which he quickly put on before resuming his place at the end of the line.
When the Pope finally reached him he gave the man a hug and whispered in his ear:
"I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here"
An old doctor became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open his clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for £50. If not cured, get back £100."
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know squat about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £100. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh!! That's petrol!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £50."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that's petrol!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £50."
Dr. Young, now £100 down, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £100 back." He gives Dr. Young a £10 note.
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be £50."
The moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"!
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off!!
Comments
I'll always love chews. Ooh. Ooh.
BROOKLYN TONY
The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on Brooklyn Tony.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."
Brooklyn Tony ON MATHs
Brooklyn Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Brooklyn Tony ON ENGLISH
Brooklyn Tony goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Brooklyn Tony, that's a mouthful."
Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow job."
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
Brooklyn Tony ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then the teacher reluctantly called on Brooklyn Tony.
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!' "
Brooklyn Tony ON GETTING OLDER
Brooklyn Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Brooklyn Tony replied, "You know, my grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candybars at a time?"
Brooklyn Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.
After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time
for the star of the show -
Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a
trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from
his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the
watch high for all to see.
"It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for
six generations," said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting,
"WATCH THE WATCH --- WATCH THE WATCH ---- WATCH THE WATCH."
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming
surfaces.
A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently
swaying watch.
They were hypnotised.
And then suddenly, the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"SHIT," said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre.
Claude was never invited there again.
I had to explain to him that I was married now and that's where I sleep!
Are you having a crisis?
'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wankhole please you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says
'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting window and I'm here to audition.....wanker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being perceived as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him. 'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' 'I fucking wrote it!!!'
"Mummy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies, "It's not polite".
"Okay," the little girl says, "What colour was your hair two years ago?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business".
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!" the mother says.
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mum won't tell me anything about herself," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's licence. It's like a report card and has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are. You are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you used to have brown hair," the daughter continues.
The mother is past surprised and is shocked now.
"How in Heaven's name did you find that out?" she asks.
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why?"
"Because on your driving licence says you got an F in sex."
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds and £50,000.
A couple of days later the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab had not shown his previous generosity. He phoned him and said, "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another car, more diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates."
To this the Arab replied, "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now."
She looked through the phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills, flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs, and she felt quite certain she could bounce a coin off his well-oiled buns! She figured, "What the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call."
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded so sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right to the point. "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. I should be honest with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now! Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready! How does that sound?"
The man replied, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
I asked her 'Where you bleeding from ?!'
'Welling!' she says.
Poor sod.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer guy is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan replies, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Then I saw her face ...
The doctor says, "You might want to stop masturbating."
"Why?" replies the man.
"Because I'm trying to take a blood sample!" says the doctor.
When the day at last arrived he found himself last in line of 50 to receive a blessing from His Holiness.
The Pope approached the first in line and blessed him with the sign of a cross. Same with the second. The third person was dressed in an awful dirty smelly coat, torn trousers and shoes beyond repair. The Pope gave him a hug and moved on.
The man at the end of the line thought how great it would be to have a hug from the Pope, not just a blessing. So he ducked round behind the long line, approached the tramp and offered him $1,000 for his coat which he quickly put on before resuming his place at the end of the line.
When the Pope finally reached him he gave the man a hug and whispered in his ear:
"I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here"
Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know squat about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £100. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aaagh!! That's petrol!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £50."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that's petrol!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £50."
Dr. Young, now £100 down, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your £100 back." He gives Dr. Young a £10 note.
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be £50."
The moral of story - Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"!
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off!!
She is particularly offended by my improper use of the colon.
Luckily my boss said I could wipe the slate clean.