Has the Jokes thread disappeared?

AddicksAddict said:

A friend worries I don't believe in organised religion.

But I do.  I believe in it just like I believe in organised crime.

And I avoid both with equal fervour.

"Im terribly sorry we must leave now!"
"but Roger, the dinner party is only just starting..."

MrWalker said:

A Sultan's wife is called a Sultana, or just his currant wife.

The Sultana, who can be the currant wife helps with the raisin of children 😀

I asked a sex worker for a nurse roleplay session and when I got there she threatened to go on strike, harangued me about the state of NHS funding and then fell asleep, exhausted after a 14-hour shift.

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

That’s hardly a banger of a joke mate 

Watameire said:

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

You need Toulouse that obsession 

Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…

Fumbluff said:

Watameire said:

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

You need Toulouse that obsession 

Please stop, I’m smashing my head against the walls here…

Surely you’d be banging your head?

After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace - no visitors for six months.
One day, there’s a knock. A huge bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday at 5. You should come.”
“Sounds great,” says Tom.
Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.”
“No problem - I can handle that.”
“Probably some fightin’, too.”
“I get along with folks - I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe some wild sex, too.”
“Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?”
Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.” 

Because the platypus lays eggs and produces milk, it’s one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

Watameire said:

_MrDick said:

my wife  is fed up with me  over my obsession with sausages. I said to her “how about I take you away for a few days to take our minds off this problem.? She agreed. A nice few days in Cumberland and Lincolnshire should do  the trick.

You need Toulouse that obsession 

Can’t. No time. 

AddicksAddict said:

I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 

You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.

AddicksAddict said:

Chizz said:

AddicksAddict said:

I went into a bookshop that had a sign outside saying “1/3 off selected titles“.

I came away with The Two Musketeers and Fahrenheit 300.66. 

You got a bargain. It should have been Fahrenheit 600.66.

What?  2/3 of 451 is 300.66. 

300.67 if you use rounding rather than truncation.

Wife walks into the kitchen and finds her husband walking around with a fly swatter.

Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: “Hunting flies.” 
Wife: “Oh? Caught any?”
Husband: “Yep. 3 males, 2 females.”
Wife: “How on earth can you tell the difference?!”
Husband: “Easy… 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!”