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Unusual Insults and Put Downs
lolwray
Posts: 4,938
Anyone on here suffered from an insult,rebuttal ,put down,taunt etc and thought wow !how scathing?
Along the lines of "Mr Idiot " for example
Along the lines of "Mr Idiot " for example
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Comments
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Everyday, every bloody day..4
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I like the one that someone put on Michael Owen’s social media in response to being criticised by him. He said “if I was on a desert island with you and a tin of corned beef, I’d eat you and talk to the tin”.38
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A work colleague once shared his favourite insult - if I wanted to kill myself I’d jump from your ego to your IQ.31
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The was a bloke in my local who wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.One of my mates described him as a man that was “made up of all different bits of idiot”.8
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I'm particularly fond of 'Dumber than a dog' s foot', 'as thick as a box of wet hair' and 'an IQ south of furniture' (that last one's my own creation).
Special mention for 'he looks like God spilled a man'.
The undisputed master of the creative insult, though, is Frankie Boyle.3 -
Twat on a Stick is my go to insult when someone pisses me off when I'm driving... Not sure where it came from0
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One that I have used (not sure of origin) is 'I was in the supermarket earlier, and saw they'd named a loaf after you. Then I realised it said 'thick cut''9
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A mate of mine Jon who by one girl said she reminded her of a shrimp. He was so perplexed by this he kept asking her why and she just said you got a shellfish look about you. For months he was so self conscious about this he kept asking people friends or strangers if he reminded them of a shrimp. They all said no not really.
Years go by he relaxed about it thinking no more but then someone else (someone who would know nothing about this shrimp connection) on his wedding day said I'm surprised you went for prawn as your starter. He turned to me and said FFS what is it about me that reminds them of shrimp.
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Never forget him describing Boris Johnson as a sack of albino body parts, it was perfectLeroy Ambrose said:I'm particularly fond of 'Dumber than a dog' s foot', 'as thick as a box of wet hair' and 'an IQ south of furniture' (that last one's my own creation).
Special mention for 'he looks like God spilled a man'.
The undisputed master of the creative insult, though, is Frankie Boyle.6 -
Ian Healey to Phil Tufnell: "Lend me your brain Tuffers, I'm building an idiot!"7
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I know it’s not the most original, but in context… many years ago (80’s) I was being a bit vocal and arsey in a meeting when my boss (director level, decent school, house in stockbroker belt) said “<redacted>, shut up and stop being a c##t!”. I’d never heard him even drop an f before and it totally floored me - and I still think it was unwarranted…5
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Think my favourite was from Blackadder when Baldrick was painting and George described him as a bit of an impressionist so Blackadder said "the only decent impression Baldrick can do is of a man with no talent". I've stolen that one frequently
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I love "if he was made of chocolate he'd eat himself."0
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Mate of mine has quite a large nose, and some drunk lad in a kebab shop said he looked like he could smell a Sunday roast on Wednesday45
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Ceaser the Geaser who used to host an evening current affairs phone in years ago, to a caller he didn't agree with -
"If you had a brain you'd be a toilet seat"2 -
When an Ex said that I thought more of Charlton than I do of her, I responded ‘I think more of Crystal Palace than I do of you’13
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My wife and I were coming back from Brighton many years ago, pulled into London Bridge and there was a Sidcup line train just about to pull in at another platform. We ran across and down the stairs where there were a group of teenage girls sitting on the stairs. They saw us but didn’t move and I caught one of them with my bag and went flying. I was furious and shouted “why don’t you get out of the fucking way”. As I got on the train, one of them shouted back “why don’t you watch where you going you fat cunt.”My wife thought it was hilarious and the guy I sat opposite was doing everything he could to not laugh.23
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As useful as an handbrake on a canoe
As useful as a trapdoor on a submarine
if there was a tax on brains you would have R stamped on your forehead for rebate.Yes all these have been applied to me over my lifetime.3 -
As much use as a chocolate teapot
When god gave out brains, he thought you said trains, and gave you a slow one.1 -
Bloke I worked with used to use:When God was giving out brains, you thought he said trains and missed yours.0
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Bloke had a big nose and a moustache. He was advised "if I had a nose like yours, I wouldn`t underline it"15
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If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't blow his hat off0
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Well known put down by Winston Churchill...
Lady Astor: ‘If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee.’
Churchill: ‘Nancy, if I were your husband I would drink it.’
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Playing Sunday football about 25 years ago, my mate at CB had been having a proper ding dong all game with their CF.
we won something like 3 or 4 - 0 and walking off the pitch after the CF walks up to my mate with steam coming out of his ears.
’come on you c**t, me and you here now’ etc etc
my mate looked at him and totally deadpan said ‘I ain’t gonna fight you mate cause you’ve gotta be good at something’
still one of the greatest comebacks I’ve ever heard and even all the fellas teammates were pissing themselves 🤣28 -
If wit was shit you would be constipated ! ...... a favourite of mine0
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“Pringles breath” tickled me the other day.4
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The Thick of It was the best for creative insults but my favourite was always 'when I want your advice, I’ll give you the special signal. Which is me being sectioned under the Mental Health Act'
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30 years ago I was in New York, as I walked up the road, a man passing asked if I was German.
I asked why he thought I was German and he said it was due to my dress style. He didn't mean it as a put down but it definitely felt like one to me!!4 -
In my mid 30's in a Chester nightclub with all my sister in laws for one of their 50th birthday celebrations.
Some young lads were clearly playing that game, all over us trying to get us to dance with them, buy us drinks etc etc. The youngest of them, looked about 17 tbh finally plucked up the courage to ask me for a dance as I went to the bar to get a round in. My response as I walked away with a bucket of champagne? 'Give over lad, I've got shoes older than you!'.
Poor lad looked mortified especially as most of his mates heard it.10 -
One of the bosses where I worked related, at his retirement do, how two of the big chiefs had a blazing row in a meeting. It ended up with one of them barking “Where were you when the brains were being handed out?” The others response - “In the queue for the big dicks!”MStuartPerm said:Bloke I worked with used to use:When God was giving out brains, you thought he said trains and missed yours.
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