Stood on the terraces in the late seventies and someone yelled out out 'you're playing like a sceptic spangle four!'. I assume the 'four' was a nameless opposition player
The Thick of It was the best for creative insults but my favourite was always 'when I want your advice, I’ll give you the special signal. Which is me being sectioned under the Mental Health Act'
Veep continued that fine tradition. There's a couple of ten minute long supercut videos of just insults from Veep that are ridiculously funny. The one's at Jonah's expense in particular are absolutely ruthless
Not really an insult or a put down, (at least not intentionally)more a humorous reply.
Standing in the kitchen at work a few of us chatting when in came a girl I worked with & she said "excuse me Bob can I get in the fridge" & I looked at her & said "I don't think you'd fit"
A colleague at the Bank of England talking to a high-level boss on the 'phone: "With all due respect, you've really fucked this up haven't you?" It was the "all due respect" bit that cracked me up.
We had a kid in our class at school who couldn't really do anything, he struggled with life and was always in trouble.
Anyway he decided to leave as soon as he could, which was 15 at the time and I'll always remember the little exchange that went on with him and our scouse teacher.
"Is that right you're leaving us Shortlands?"
"Yes Sir"
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm gonna join the Royal Navy Sir!"
"And what will you be there - a deckhand on a submarine?"
When God was giving out brains, you thought he said trains and missed yours.
One of the bosses where I worked related, at his retirement do, how two of the big chiefs had a blazing row in a meeting. It ended up with one of them barking “Where were you when the brains were being handed out?” The others response - “In the queue for the big dicks!”
We had a kid in our class at school who couldn't really do anything, he struggled with life and was always in trouble.
Anyway he decided to leave as soon as he could, which was 15 at the time and I'll always remember the little exchange that went on with him and our scouse teacher.
"Is that right you're leaving us Shortlands?"
"Yes Sir"
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm gonna join the Royal Navy Sir!"
"And what will you be there - a deckhand on a submarine?"
That's not funny, that's bullying by people paid to support all their pupils. No wonder he didn't have the confidence to achieve anything. I hope his life has improved.
I know it’s not the most original, but in context… many years ago (80’s) I was being a bit vocal and arsey in a meeting when my boss (director level, decent school, house in stockbroker belt) said “<redacted>, shut up and stop being a c##t!”. I’d never heard him even drop an f before and it totally floored me - and I still think it was unwarranted…
At a local enquiry into building a bypass near a village my friend lived in, he referred to a Government consultant as a ‘so called expert’. The expert didn’t take it well and started justifying his expertise.
One of my own to a bunch of teenagers, mainly girls on the bus to work.
They were calling me baldy and having a good laugh so after 10 minutes of putting up with it i marched up to the back and said to the gobbiest ' Love, i can always wear a wig, you will always be fucking ugly '. She burst into tears.
At a large fire service training exercise, the exercise provider was detailing the day and safety points etc, whilst a bloke was loudly chatting at the back. The instructor hardly paused to add a rather firm, "Shut it you ignorant weasel faced tit!" I see the recipient every so often, although a decade or more has passed, still makes me smile.
We had a kid in our class at school who couldn't really do anything, he struggled with life and was always in trouble.
Anyway he decided to leave as soon as he could, which was 15 at the time and I'll always remember the little exchange that went on with him and our scouse teacher.
"Is that right you're leaving us Shortlands?"
"Yes Sir"
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm gonna join the Royal Navy Sir!"
"And what will you be there - a deckhand on a submarine?"
That's not funny, that's bullying by people paid to support all their pupils. No wonder he didn't have the confidence to achieve anything. I hope his life has improved.
To be fair I think most of these are, or at least could be described as, bullying. Nobody is condoning them, just reporting. It doesn't stop them being funny, even if they shouldn't have been said at the time. That's often in the nature of black-humour.
This one is not particularly inventive or clever. It is extraordinary blunt though. Look away now if you don't like bad language.
My Mate and his boss were in a meeting with some bloke from another company. I can't remember if they were buying or selling, but they were trying to cut some sort of a deal with this other chap. The other bloke was prattling on and was full of his own self-importance; my mate's boss was getting wound up with it. Finally, he'd had enough. He looked the other bloke in the eye and said straight to his face, "I'm gonna have to stop you there because you're a cunt. You might think it's a little rude of me calling you a cunt, but it would be unfair of me to let you go through life not knowing what a cunt you are". And with that he got up and walked out, leaving my mate to go, "Er, bye then" as he bemusedly stood up and followed the boss out the door.
Sunday football match about 20 years ago my teammate went on a particularly long and loud rant whilst waiting for a goal kick. Went in for ages and he was getting more animated as it went so his voice was going a bit higher.
Eventually, one of the oppo players just turned round and shouted “Shut up. Squeaky”. Everyone burst out laughing and my mate still occasionally gets called Squeaky when he’s having a moan.
My mate, who is a little eccentric, but amusing nonetheless was getting some good natured grief from a few drunk blokes in the pub. As we left he turned to them and said: 'you have the manners of a goat...and the mind and the tackle to go with it.' He doesn't recall saying it and it's not been said since but I remember it clearly even though this incident was 30 years ago!
Lesser put down but made me smile. True story - this morning the light shining on the houses behind created an unusual look on the windows behind. Shouted to my Wife "Come and look at this optical illusion" . As quick as a South London flash she replied "It's not you smiling is it"? Bang.
This one is not particularly inventive or clever. It is extraordinary blunt though. Look away now if you don't like bad language.
My Mate and his boss were in a meeting with some bloke from another company. I can't remember if they were buying or selling, but they were trying to cut some sort of a deal with this other chap. The other bloke was prattling on and was full of his own self-importance; my mate's boss was getting wound up with it. Finally, he'd had enough. He looked the other bloke in the eye and said straight to his face, "I'm gonna have to stop you there because you're a cunt. You might think it's a little rude of me calling you a cunt, but it would be unfair of me to let you go through life not knowing what a cunt you are". And with that he got up and walked out, leaving my mate to go, "Er, bye then" as he bemusedly stood up and followed the boss out the door.
My missus is an absolutely tiny blonde geordie who works in an extremely male dominated and mysogynistic branch of the construction industry, so has always had to look after herself in meetings, on contracts, sites etc. She's a programme manager - basically manages the technical for the whole contract - and once sat opposite a client who was absolutely rinsing her firm over lies that her own project manager had been spinning for weeks. They went into it at length, ranting quite legitimately about said lies - when it came time for the project manager to speak he spent ten minutes trying to blame her for his own failings. Obviously she sat there absolutely fucking raging - eventually she'd had enough, and started pointing out that it was entirely his fault, rather than hers. At which point, said PM thought it was a good idea to try and defuse the situation by using the "Now come on - there's no 'I' in team" line. Of course she responded, instantly, with "No Steve, but there is a 'U' in cnut" line. In front of the client, her director, and about twenty PMs, legal people and assorted other attendees.
This was a funny comment made about an unknown site worker who blocked the whole site waste drainage system and was minuted in the official site minutes.
“All we have a serious problems with the temporary toilets, we have a 2” waste drainage system, and one of your employees has a 4” arsehole.”
Me and my mate Frank went out on the piss midweek many years ago. Both working for the same company, decided to give the following day a swerve. Frank said he would call in for both of us. Frank “won’t be in today feeling sick” Boss “Ok” Frank “Tony won’t be in either as he’s sick” Boss “How do you know he’s sick/“ Frank “ He’s just got out my bed”
Comments
I assume the 'four' was a nameless opposition player
Standing in the kitchen at work a few of us chatting when in came a girl I worked with & she said "excuse me Bob can I get in the fridge" & I looked at her & said "I don't think you'd fit"
Anyway he decided to leave as soon as he could, which was 15 at the time and I'll always remember the little exchange that went on with him and our scouse teacher.
"Is that right you're leaving us Shortlands?"
"Yes Sir"
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm gonna join the Royal Navy Sir!"
"And what will you be there - a deckhand on a submarine?"
"in a two horse race, you're third favourite".
"If you were a dog, you'd be 'living on a farm' by now"
"You're as much use as sneakers for snakes" (borrowed from a Yank colleague)
My Mate and his boss were in a meeting with some bloke from another company. I can't remember if they were buying or selling, but they were trying to cut some sort of a deal with this other chap. The other bloke was prattling on and was full of his own self-importance; my mate's boss was getting wound up with it. Finally, he'd had enough. He looked the other bloke in the eye and said straight to his face, "I'm gonna have to stop you there because you're a cunt. You might think it's a little rude of me calling you a cunt, but it would be unfair of me to let you go through life not knowing what a cunt you are". And with that he got up and walked out, leaving my mate to go, "Er, bye then" as he bemusedly stood up and followed the boss out the door.
QUOTES FROM MILITARY ANNUAL STAFF APPRAISALS
1. His men would follow him anywhere but only out of curiosity.
2. I would not breed from this Officer.
3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.
4. This Officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.
5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.
6. When she opens her mouth it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2-man submarine.
8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
10. Technically sound but socially impossible.
11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.
12 When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.
15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
17. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.
18. This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts the better.
19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.
20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.
21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.
22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.
25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
28. If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1 000 000 other sperm.
30. A room temperature IQ.
31. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
32. A gross ignoramus, 143 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.
34. He has been working with glue too long.
35. When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.
36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.
37. If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.
39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.
40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
41. He's so dense light bends around him.
42. If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.
43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
44. Takes him 10 hours to watch 60 minutes.
45. Wheel is turning but the hamster is long dead.
Must be a tax thing...
Both working for the same company, decided to give the following day a swerve.
Frank said he would call in for both of us.
Frank “won’t be in today feeling sick”
Boss “Ok”
Frank “Tony won’t be in either as he’s sick”
Boss “How do you know he’s sick/“
Frank “ He’s just got out my bed”