Unfortunately the head of the fireworks team for tonights display has been given the sack after the fireworks didn’t go off in the right sequence at a show last night. Personally I think that’s bang out of order.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich own horses. Oh how the stables have turned....
There was this Scottish man who was about to go on a trip to England. The day before he left he asked his next-door neighbor, Mrs. Dunn, if she wanted anything from England.
Yes, she said. Could you please find my son Neely. Hes been gone 10 years and has not written or phoned me. Ever! I write to him but he never replies. I try to phone him but he never seems to be in. Anyway, heres his address. And on a back of a handy envelope she scribbled:
Neely Dunn
WC1
London, England.
The next day, the man embarked on his journey. The plane landed at Heathrow. He got off the plane and was walking down the corridor when he saw a sign saying WC.
He entered the room, and saw that it was a washroom. He proceeded to the first toilet stall, knocked on the door and said: – Are you Neely Dunn?
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
Comments
Piece of cake.
...then plug me back in. See if that works.
Fosters or Carlsberg?"
I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it".
********************************************************
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day
a woman was born just by feeling their tits, "Really" she said.
"Go on then...try"
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience..
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "yesterday".
*********************************************************
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut,
you'd look alright."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Sean Connery: Shard.
Me: I know mate but just pick the one you think is the best.
But I can't speak for everyone.
A vicar's hand went straight up.
"Thank fuck for that!" said the pilot. "We're one parachute short!"
Confirm new password: Tomato
Passwords don't match.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
How dairy!
It was a real slap in the faith.
Yes, she said. Could you please find my son Neely. Hes been gone 10 years and has not written or phoned me. Ever! I write to him but he never replies. I try to phone him but he never seems to be in. Anyway, heres his address. And on a back of a handy envelope she scribbled:
Neely Dunn
WC1
London, England.
The next day, the man embarked on his journey. The plane landed at Heathrow. He got off the plane and was walking down the corridor when he saw a sign saying WC.
He entered the room, and saw that it was a washroom. He proceeded to the first toilet stall, knocked on the door and said: – Are you Neely Dunn?
Yes, but I ran out of paper, came the reply.
Well, thats no excuse not to write your mother!!
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can't look up anything
There are four types of people in the world…
I meant eight types.
There are sixteen types of people in the world…
Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."
"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"
That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?
"You're in the team for this Saturday 😄
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
"What a fucking day to be hanged, pissing with rain" he says.
Warder replies, "It's alright for you, we've got to walk back".
So I've started smoking.
Hands down...