TWO BLIND PILOTS WERE BOTH WEARING DARK GLASSES...ONE IS USING A GUIDE DOG AND THE OTHER IS TAPPING HIS WAY ALONG THE AISLE WITH A CANE.
NERVOUS LAUGHTER SPREADS THROUGH THE CABIN, BUT THE MEN ENTER THE COCKPIT, THE DOOR CLOSES AND THE ENGINES START UP.
THE PASSENGERS BEGIN GLANCING NERVOUSLY AROUND, SEARCHING FOR SOME SIGN THAT THIS IS JUST A LITTLE PRACTICAL JOKE. NONE IS FORTHCOMING.
THE PLANE MOVES FASTER AND FASTER DOWN THE RUNWAY AND THE PEOPLE SITTING IN THE WINDOW SEATS REALIZE THEY RE HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE WATER AT THE EDGE OF THE AIRPORT.
AS IT BEGINS TO LOOK AS THOUGH THE PLANE WILL PLOUGH INTO THE WATER, PANICKED SCREAMS FILL THE CABIN.
AT THAT MOMENT, THE PLANE LIFTS SMOOTHLY INTO THE AIR. THE PASSENGERS RELAX AND LAUGH A LITTLE SHEEPISHLY AND SOON ALL RETREAT INTO THEIR MAGAZINES, SECURE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THE PLANE IS IN GOOD HANDS.
IN THE COCKPIT, ONE OF THE BLIND PILOTS TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS, YA KNOW, BOB, ONE OF THESE DAYS, THEY RE GONNA SCREAM TOO LATE AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
> She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. > > > > Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream? > > > > "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous." > > "Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK." > > So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. > > > > Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success. > > > > After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead." > > > > Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened. > > > > The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." > > > > Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. > > > > Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left. > > > > The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum....."I can't believe that bloke!" > > > > "What bloke?" > > "You know, the bastard who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down." >
Saw my one armed mate Dave the Other day walking on the street. I shouted " Dave where you off to?" "To change a lightbulb " he replied I laughed my head off and shouted back "that'll be fucking difficult!" "Not really " he replied "I've got the receipt....., you utter cunt!!"
Comments
Because they have little antybodies.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
R? Nope, the C is always a pirate's first love.
NERVOUS LAUGHTER SPREADS THROUGH THE CABIN, BUT THE MEN ENTER THE COCKPIT, THE DOOR CLOSES AND THE ENGINES START UP.
THE PASSENGERS BEGIN GLANCING NERVOUSLY AROUND, SEARCHING FOR SOME SIGN THAT THIS IS JUST A LITTLE PRACTICAL JOKE. NONE IS FORTHCOMING.
THE PLANE MOVES FASTER AND FASTER DOWN THE RUNWAY AND THE PEOPLE SITTING IN THE WINDOW SEATS REALIZE THEY RE HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE WATER AT THE EDGE OF THE AIRPORT.
AS IT BEGINS TO LOOK AS THOUGH THE PLANE WILL PLOUGH INTO THE WATER, PANICKED SCREAMS FILL THE CABIN.
AT THAT MOMENT, THE PLANE LIFTS SMOOTHLY INTO THE AIR. THE PASSENGERS RELAX AND LAUGH A LITTLE SHEEPISHLY AND SOON ALL RETREAT INTO THEIR MAGAZINES, SECURE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THE PLANE IS IN GOOD HANDS.
IN THE COCKPIT, ONE OF THE BLIND PILOTS TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS, YA KNOW, BOB, ONE OF THESE DAYS, THEY RE GONNA SCREAM TOO LATE AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
>
>
>
go out with her sister Sheila instead
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because the Aaaaargh.
May he erect a penis.
After 3 weeks in hospital he's still pissing like a watering can.
Surgeon says to him:
"I've done all I can so I think it's best if I introduce to my friend who plays the clarinet for the LSO".
"What good can he do then?" the bloke asks.
"He'll show you how to hold it" the surgeon replies.
A large woman approached and he wondered
Should I toss myself off or block her passage
a waiter
" Open on a Sunday. 11-2"
Stuck a score on it. He was definitely open last Sunday!
> She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
>
>
>
> Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
>
>
>
> "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
>
> "Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
>
> So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
>
>
>
> Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.
>
>
>
> After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
>
>
>
> Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
>
>
>
> The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
>
>
>
> Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
>
>
>
> Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
>
>
>
> The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum....."I can't believe that bloke!"
>
>
>
> "What bloke?"
>
> "You know, the bastard who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."
>
I don't know why I bothered though -
She's crap at Snooker
'Sort of' she said, 'but more like A rag and bone man'.
"To change a lightbulb " he replied
I laughed my head off and shouted back "that'll be fucking difficult!"
"Not really " he replied "I've got the receipt....., you utter cunt!!"
She's still not talking to me.