Attention: Please take a moment to consider our terms and conditions before posting.

Getting your kids to revise

So I have a 16 (in June) yr old lad currently preparing for his GCSEs. I like to think he has been set a good example in life - he has seen where hard work gets you, and generally speaking has seen the benefit of it with a life he is fortunate to have been provided.

So now it comes to his turn to do his best for his future.

And he is doing fuck all.

Trying to get him to revise is a chore. Always ends in arguments. Because frankly he cant be bothered. I tried creating a revision planner and he sits there on his phone looking at shit. Take his phone away and he sits vegging out on the PS5 playing FIFA. I threw that in the bin the other night, and he just heads out the door with his mates.

I try to explain to him how important working hard at school is for his future, and I swear he thinks he is just going to live off me for the rest of his life.

When he is 16 I am sending him out the door to get a part time job, but thats not going to help with the exam problem. 

Its a horrible atmosphere at home, the missus always backs him up and goes easy on him, but if he doesnt buck his ideas up his whole future will suffer.

How do you get through to them to try their best? Any tips on how to get past this, as its genuinely driving a wedge between us?

I dont expect him to be Einstein but I am a firm believer that as long as you do your best in life you cant go far wrong. And he isnt doing that. He doesnt give a shit.
«1

Comments

  • Schools are much better these days at providing revision classes / extra lessons. Maybe encourage using those ?
  • Schools are much better these days at providing revision classes / extra lessons. Maybe encourage using those ?
    Yep - already done that. Also spending about £300 a month at the moment on tutors. But as soon as he has to take the initiative and do it himself, it all goes to shit.
  • So I have a 16 (in June) yr old lad currently preparing for his GCSEs. I like to think he has been set a good example in life - he has seen where hard work gets you, and generally speaking has seen the benefit of it with a life he is fortunate to have been provided.

    So now it comes to his turn to do his best for his future.

    And he is doing fuck all.

    Trying to get him to revise is a chore. Always ends in arguments. Because frankly he cant be bothered. I tried creating a revision planner and he sits there on his phone looking at shit. Take his phone away and he sits vegging out on the PS5 playing FIFA. I threw that in the bin the other night, and he just heads out the door with his mates.

    I try to explain to him how important working hard at school is for his future, and I swear he thinks he is just going to live off me for the rest of his life.

    When he is 16 I am sending him out the door to get a part time job, but thats not going to help with the exam problem. 

    Its a horrible atmosphere at home, the missus always backs him up and goes easy on him, but if he doesnt buck his ideas up his whole future will suffer.

    How do you get through to them to try their best? Any tips on how to get past this, as its genuinely driving a wedge between us?

    I dont expect him to be Einstein but I am a firm believer that as long as you do your best in life you cant go far wrong. And he isnt doing that. He doesnt give a shit.
    Sorry, I don't know the answer and feel for you. I didn't revise much but really wish I had and was fortunately I was able to get by. But I would always say to anyone to put in a more effort than I did.

    Think you and your missus need to agree a common approach. Who pays for his beloved phone? A basic Nokia would mean he could communicate in an emergency without unnecessary extras. A colleague of mine put controls on their internet as his son was staying up all night playing games.

    Does he think he will ultimately inherit from you, as you could put some 'conditions' on that? Sadly many of us may need any equity for care anyway, so that isn't even guaranteed - and where would that leave him. I'm sure you (definitely not your wife) would not want to 'ask him to find somewhere else to live' when he is 18, but you could use that as a bargaining point?

    Instead of the 'stick' approach, would the carrot one work better? How does he fund anything he does? What about the £5x for a top grade, £4x for the second grade etc help? Is there anyone he would listen to, a beloved grandparent etc?

    I expect there are others on here who have/have had similar, so I'm hoping someone has some better advice.

    I really hope you can turn around his attitude
  • Schools are much better these days at providing revision classes / extra lessons. Maybe encourage using those ?
    At least the extra tutoring will increase his chances without revision. Ultimately, it's coming out of any inheritance!
  • I was lucky my son made the decision himself that he didn't want to be like the other divs at his school and he got his head down and did what he had to do.
    Does he go to football with you? A lot of our father/son chats took place in the Covered end and i think that helped a lot.
    When he is 16 and fancies some work experience he can work with me for a couple of hours a day.

  • It's a society problem mate. Have the same issue with mine. So many kids glued to their phones. They can't cope without them.
    When ever I've had trades round to do bits and bobs indoors they never seem to have any youngsters with them learning the job. When I ask why, they say it isn't worth the hassle and they just want to sit in the corner fiddling with their phones!
    I've tried to explain to my two that if they actually get off their arse and do something they'll be at a huge advantage because there are seriously so many kids out there that won't.
  • How has he done in his mocks?
    what has the school said are his expected marks ? 
  • Sponsored links:


  • edited April 5
    Yep sadly it is a society problem now for majority of kids. They are used to the 20 seconds social media videos, streaming what they want when they want. 
    Back 22 years ago when I was doing my GCSEs phones were a new thing no social media really bar msn and MySpace and you still had to wait for programmes to watch them. 
    There is only so much you can do, but firstly definitely speak to the missus get her on the same sort of page or he will continue to just use her as his get out. 
    Don’t Chuck him out but stop anything he wants to do or has benefit of ie. Phone bill etc.
    Create a reward scheme for his revision if he shows u he has revised for few hours then he gets a small reward or phone bill paid.
    As someone else said they need to want to do it and I think kids of today think they can get money just by doing nothing and on their phones, and although there are a lot more ways to earn these days online you still need some skills and desire to do that and it’s no stable income.
    Sit down as a family ask him what he wants to do. If his response is nothing, don’t care, whatever, make it clear if he would be happy on a minimum wage role paying rent to you and unable to go out with friends and on holidays because he couldn’t be bothered to put a few months effort into his future.
    sorry can’t be of more help and good luck.
  • Have you tried the pomodoro technique? It sounds silly but I've seen it be effective on PhD students so it definitely can help. At the moment it sounds like it's very polarised between playing and working and what pomodoro does is it builds frequent breaks into focused periods of work to limit procrastination. You can change the times about which you might want to do, especially at the start, but usually you basically set a 25 minute schedule for working and then a 5 minute break at the end of it. Then you do it again until you've done 4 cycles of that, and then you can have a longer break, maybe 30 minutes. You can do longer breaks initially if you think 5 minutes isn't going to get anywhere and then reduce them over time, but the important thing is that 25 minute period of work isn't broken through checking a phone or something similar. This way there's fun breaks being woven into the work instead of the two things being completely separate. It might work, though ultimately if he's just not interested in engaging in the first place but it makes sacking the whole thing off entirely less attractive if there's incentive tied into working and not having to scrap with you all day. Maybe give it a go and hopefully it'll work. If it doesn't, can always just beat him with a sack of oranges
  • Don't know your son or what his thoughts are so can't comment on him.

    Bur since you asked a lot of what you have posted isn't actually about him, it's about you.

    You've written about your success in life and the example you have set.

    You're going to push him out the door at 16 to get a part time job, you wrote his revision plan.

    Maybe he "doesn't give a shit" or maybe he's 15 and his coping mechanism to deal with the pressure from school and his dad is to figuratively hide away.

    Growing up, having to be tested or as he might see it "judged" is scary

    Maybe a less full frontal attack might work.  Speak to his teachers, find out how he learns best (we don't all absorb info in the same way) and agree in advance with your wife what you are both going to do so it's a united front.

    The other thing I'd suggest is focus on what he has done well and had success in.  What has he achieved and how? IE got in a sports team, got badges in scouts, etc.  Then reinforce that success.

    There is no point telling claus Jensen to get stuck in, you lazy sod, it's not his strength but you can ask him how he mastered free kicks and see if he can use the same method to learn something else.
    This is a very valuable post henners - thank you.

    I am definitely taking a look as well as how my pressure on him is being perceived.

    Funny enough - Maths is an area that he has responded well to the tutor and when his mocks showed an uplift, we massively praised him and asked him how happy he felt and proud?

    Then I took him to Stevenage at the weekend as a well done, so kinda undid all the hard work 😂
    Glad it was helpful.

    Maybe, gently, dig deeper and ask open questions about "why did the maths go well?"  "What was it about the way you learnt that that clicked?"

    Let him answer and give him room and time to figure out for himself why rather than offering what you think. You might be right that is was focus, hard work and a good tutor but let him reach that conclusion himself so he owns it.

    Another trick is don't tell HIM he's doing welll. Accidently let him overhear you tellling someone else, a relative naybe, what he's done well.

    And telll hiim to shape up or he'lll have to watch the Stevenage game on a loop 😉
  • The extra revision classes are a godsend for us as my lad is lazy like a lot of 15 year old boys and very easily distracted

    I would say bribe them with financial rewards for grades but I’m sure you’ve already done that 😂
  • I have personally also noticed a link between people doing fuck all and smoking cannabis.
    Just a lived experience as I don't wish to derail the subject.
  • My daughter’s revising as I type this. Her school have done a lot to support the kids and parents with workshops and tips/advice etc.

    Thankfully she’s got her mum’s application and not her dad’s (and her intelligence as well)
  • He's at that age where the rebel streak is likely to emerge, the hormones are kicking in fast .. bribery might work, I reckon the more you nag him the more will he dig his heels in and not co-operate.

    Offer him 'incentives' (i.e. cash) to revise and perhaps to give up his distracting phone for a while (presumably he has one)

    On the very negative side, during a very recent Times Radio (if I remember right) discussion on this topic, it seemed to conclude that a lot of young people have become disenchanted with study and the idea of 'getting a good job or Uni place.'
    Fears that AI will usurp human brain power in jobs like banking, accountancy, law and the like, allied to a fear or being stuck in a boring, ill paying drudge job, have (according to the Times pundits) led to widespread problems similar to you and your son's. Aint easy is it ??!!

    Just good luck with this, and, easy to say, don't let this situation ruin the relationship between the two of you, there's a long life ahead
  • Sponsored links:


  • Don't know your son or what his thoughts are so can't comment on him.

    Bur since you asked a lot of what you have posted isn't actually about him, it's about you.

    You've written about your success in life and the example you have set.

    You're going to push him out the door at 16 to get a part time job, you wrote his revision plan.

    Maybe he "doesn't give a shit" or maybe he's 15 and his coping mechanism to deal with the pressure from school and his dad is to figuratively hide away.

    Growing up, having to be tested or as he might see it "judged" is scary

    Maybe a less full frontal attack might work.  Speak to his teachers, find out how he learns best (we don't all absorb info in the same way) and agree in advance with your wife what you are both going to do so it's a united front.

    The other thing I'd suggest is focus on what he has done well and had success in.  What has he achieved and how? IE got in a sports team, got badges in scouts, etc.  Then reinforce that success.

    There is no point telling claus Jensen to get stuck in, you lazy sod, it's not his strength but you can ask him how he mastered free kicks and see if he can use the same method to learn something else.
    This is a very valuable post henners - thank you.

    I am definitely taking a look as well as how my pressure on him is being perceived.

    Funny enough - Maths is an area that he has responded well to the tutor and when his mocks showed an uplift, we massively praised him and asked him how happy he felt and proud?

    Then I took him to Stevenage at the weekend as a well done, so kinda undid all the hard work 😂
     I can see how the 'pressure' could makes things worse, but by the time kids reach GCSEs they have done at least yearly exams for several years, so it is hardly a new way of being assessed.

    Maybe a mix of approaches commonly referred to as 'carrot' and 'stick' is best? Ultimately, in many jobs, you have to get on with things. Exams aren't an ideal system for everyone, but it is the system that is in place. That said, academic qualifications, whilst in many instances are very important, aren't everything. But he'd probably have to have an skill or trade. But if he has academic qualification to fall back on, he at least has the choice. Great that he has ability in Maths, as Maths and English seen as the most important. Without the grades, he may have less choice.

    How has he done previously in exams, most recently the mocks?
  • Great thread, Damo
  • I took mine up Charing Cross late at night, had a walk around Embankment and indicated that if you fuck around in life, this is where you could end up.
  • He is most probably doing exam technique, past papers  and revision and learning different revision technique in most of his school lessons at the moment.

    most exam normally start in June with the odd exam in May. 

    A few weeks before is one you need to make sure his doing revision at home but not to try and cram it in last minute

    Boys are lazy and tend to leave it to nearer the exam compared to girls who tend to start really early.

    I had students who told me they hardly revised for gcse and got top grades. They tried the same approach for a levels and failed. Sometimes you have to let them fail/ struggle so that they take ownership 

    in my experience it’s as much about exam technique like using keywords in your answers and practicing past papers helps with this.
  • edited April 5
    Damo was in a similar situation to you a few years back, didn’t want my lads to balls up their exams, said I would reward them for the grades they got, I can’t remember what the numbers were to be honest, but it seemed to work for one of the lads, who could see that their was a reward for doing well.

    Not everyone can afford to do it, and some kids just don’t want to learn, I couldn’t wait to get out of school at 16, the hardest bit is to not fall out with them, obviously you want them to do well and not waste their life, some are late bloomers, and others it takes a while to ‘get it’ I’d think at parents evenings the teachers would give you a steer, about how interested your son is in education at the moment, maybe ask the teachers about techniques to get kids interested?

    Good luck, it’s certainly not easy bringing kids up.


  • Yep sadly it is a society problem now for majority of kids. They are used to the 20 seconds social media videos, streaming what they want when they want. 
    Back 22 years ago when I was doing my GCSEs phones were a new thing no social media really bar msn and MySpace and you still had to wait for programmes to watch them. 
    There is only so much you can do, but firstly definitely speak to the missus get her on the same sort of page or he will continue to just use her as his get out. 
    Don’t Chuck him out but stop anything he wants to do or has benefit of ie. Phone bill etc.
    Create a reward scheme for his revision if he shows u he has revised for few hours then he gets a small reward or phone bill paid.
    As someone else said they need to want to do it and I think kids of today think they can get money just by doing nothing and on their phones, and although there are a lot more ways to earn these days online you still need some skills and desire to do that and it’s no stable income.
    Sit down as a family ask him what he wants to do. If his response is nothing, don’t care, whatever, make it clear if he would be happy on a minimum wage role paying rent to you and unable to go out with friends and on holidays because he couldn’t be bothered to put a few months effort into his future.
    sorry can’t be of more help and good luck.
    Not exactly helped by a seemingly never ending stream of talentless 'influencers' all over social media that kids see every day who in most cases do appear to pretty much get money for nothing.

    A friend of mine is a teacher and said most kids these days when asked what they want to be when they're older, the answer is 'a youtuber'. No doubt without realising that being a successful youtuber usually requires you to put in years of work building a channel without earning money. Even the most successful Youtuber (Mr Beast) did it religiously for at least 5-6 years before he made money, and he was incredibly dedicated and obsessed with it. Hardly any of the kids around today are going to do that, as they'd get bored easily and give up. But they think they'll just start posting stuff and become rich and famous overnight.
  • edited April 6
    R0TW said:
    I took mine up Charing Cross late at night, had a walk around Embankment and indicated that if you fuck around in life, this is where you could end up.
    You took him to Heaven nightclub?

    That would have been an eye opener!
Sign In or Register to comment.

Roland Out Forever!