Two sketches, neither of which took place on the terraces in the thread title, but remain strong images:
1. After our 2-0 victory over Manchester United at Sell-Out Park in November 1989 with two goals from Paul Williams, I hung around the back of the main stand like a groupie. Alex Ferguson came out and spoke to a huddle of three journalists, and me. What impressed me was that even though I obviously wasn't a hack because I wasn't taking notes, he included me in the briefing, making eye contact with that rather chilling stare. I have always admired Ferguson, partly because despite his wealth and fame he has never forgotten his working-class roots in the Ayrshire coalfield.
2. Pre-season friendly at Edgware Town in the early 1990s. Lennie Lawrence was sitting in the dug-out as his assistant Colin Clarke tracked up and down the touchline giving personal coaching to Scott Minto, our promising young full-back. Minto was continually implored to stay wide and not drift inside, and after receiving a short corner he was exhorted by Clarke not to pass back to the corner-taker because he was offside. This specialist one-to-one tuition during a match impressed me.
Vincent - just pleased I wrote that email the day after, would never have remembered otherwise! Couldn't believe Jez had kept it all these years, but glad he did. Probably a little bit of poetic licence on some of the timings but the quotes and characters are accurate!
What about the time when the whole ground including the Ref thought that Colchester had scored when if memory serves CP had words with the 4th official and we ended up with a drop ball on the edge of their area. Please add if you had a clue what went on and why.
I'm still confused even after reading that report. Bizarre refereeing.
I remember it quite clearly and the BBC report isn't quite right. What happened was this...
Colchester player goes through on goal, and lino raises flag. Colchester player shoots and Hamer dives. Ref sees lino's flag and blows whistle, before the ball crosses the line. Lino changes his mind and puts flag down. Ball crosses line. Ref speaks to lino, lino presumably says no offside, ref awards goal. CP speaks to 4th official. Ref rules out goal and gives dropped ball.
I can only assume that what CP pointed out to the 4th official was that the ref had blown his whistle before the ball crossed the line, thus stopping play, and therefore the goal could not have stood. Incredibly unfair on Colchester, but given what had happened he had no choice.
Very poor refereeing all round - the ref should have either blown before the shot was taken, or, if he didn't see the flag, could have waited and then ruled out the goal. Generally I'm in favour of refs blowing early, but the blow up while the shot was in flight was ridiculous.
The ref for this game is the cousin of one of my best mates.
Met him after a few drinks recently & thorougly pissed him off by attempting to start a conversation about it!
What about the time when the whole ground including the Ref thought that Colchester had scored when if memory serves CP had words with the 4th official and we ended up with a drop ball on the edge of their area. Please add if you had a clue what went on and why.
I'm still confused even after reading that report. Bizarre refereeing.
I remember it quite clearly and the BBC report isn't quite right. What happened was this...
Colchester player goes through on goal, and lino raises flag. Colchester player shoots and Hamer dives. Ref sees lino's flag and blows whistle, before the ball crosses the line. Lino changes his mind and puts flag down. Ball crosses line. Ref speaks to lino, lino presumably says no offside, ref awards goal. CP speaks to 4th official. Ref rules out goal and gives dropped ball.
I can only assume that what CP pointed out to the 4th official was that the ref had blown his whistle before the ball crossed the line, thus stopping play, and therefore the goal could not have stood. Incredibly unfair on Colchester, but given what had happened he had no choice.
Very poor refereeing all round - the ref should have either blown before the shot was taken, or, if he didn't see the flag, could have waited and then ruled out the goal. Generally I'm in favour of refs blowing early, but the blow up while the shot was in flight was ridiculous.
The ref for this game is the cousin of one of my best mates.
Met him after a few drinks recently & thorougly pissed him off by attempting to start a conversation about it!
Port Vale away on a Tuesday night. Set up in the worst pub I have ever seen. Popped to the toilet and when I came back started getting a load of abuse from some old dear sitting at the bar. Turns out one of my pissed up travelling companions had decided it would be a laugh to tell her I had just come out of prison for credit card fraud against pensioners! We had to leave in a hurry.
Liverpool away 3-3. In the Arkles beforehand @riscardo introduced one of our group to a few scousers. Called him "gay Steve 33 from Southend" (his name was Phil). 5 minutes later 200-300 people in the pub were all singing "gay Steve, 33 from Southend"
@razil getting 80 miles up the M1 on route to Everton before realising he had left his ticket at home. The look on the 3 people who were in his XR3 with him faces' whem he announced he was going home for it had me in hysterics. He then thrashed the car so hard to get there on time that his exhaust fell off in a service station on the M6. He drove home with the exhaust held in place by a printer cable!
@Clem_Snide, were you with us on the ill-fated 7-hour midweek trip to Tranmere, when we arrived with only half hour of the game left? Got to walk through the players tunnel around the pitch to the cheers of the 200 faithful, but it was 0-0 with absolutely zero incident. Got back to the car and the seats were depressingly still warm.
My only memorable appearance on MOTD was being behind the goal in the 4-3 at Aston Villa - same game I think Clem did his knee in. Pie dropping out my mouth as I abused the referee, of all the bloody times to capture my otherwise magnificence.
Third and final story: I was linesman at Dartford in an evening game Conference game in about 1986. I had a bridge of false teeth, which in the corridor at half time, detached from my upper jaw. Embarrassed I rushed back into our dressing room and put the bridge in the pocket of the suit jacket. Game finished, we match officials had a few drinks and went our separate ways home. About midnight I received a call from the other linesman to ask if I knew anything about a bridge of false teeth - I had put them in his jacket pocket in haste!
Port Vale away on a Tuesday night. Set up in the worst pub I have ever seen. Popped to the toilet and when I came back started getting a load of abuse from some old dear sitting at the bar. Turns out one of my pissed up travelling companions had decided it would be a laugh to tell her I had just come out of prison for credit card fraud against pensioners! We had to leave in a hurry.
Liverpool away 3-3. In the Arkles beforehand @riscardo introduced one of our group to a few scousers. Called him "gay Steve 33 from Southend" (his name was Phil). 5 minutes later 200-300 people in the pub were all singing "gay Steve, 33 from Southend"
@razil getting 80 miles up the M1 on route to Everton before realising he had left his ticket at home. The look on the 3 people who were in his XR3 with him faces' whem he announced he was going home for it had me in hysterics. He then thrashed the car so hard to get there on time that his exhaust fell off in a service station on the M6. He drove home with the exhaust held in place by a printer cable!
@Clem_Snide, were you with us on the ill-fated 7-hour midweek trip to Tranmere, when we arrived with only half hour of the game left? Got to walk through the players tunnel around the pitch to the cheers of the 200 faithful, but it was 0-0 with absolutely zero incident. Got back to the car and the seats were depressingly still warm.
My only memorable appearance on MOTD was being behind the goal in the 4-3 at Aston Villa - same game I think Clem did his knee in. Pie dropping out my mouth as I abused the referee, of all the bloody times to capture my otherwise magnificence.
I was at Tranmere. Still have nightmares about spending 6hrs 30mins on route only for it to be extended to 7hrs when a certain Mr Ron Baker took a wrong turn thus extending the journey.
Remember asking Curbs if there was any score as we passed the bench. He looked at us like we were mad!
Snapped my cruciate ligament at Villa and nearly drowned.
Remember a Tuesday night at The Victoria Ground Stoke. Horrible 2-0 defeat.
@rikofold had a new Corsa SRi and after such a depressing defeat was keen to test the top speed on the way home. We were halfway down the M11 by 11ish.
Unbeknown to us we were followed by an unmarked police car for some distance and the average speed clocked in at 99.5! When we were pulled over the copper asked where we had been and when @rikofold told him he glanced at his watch and looked pretty shocked.
You must have been travelling at well over 100mph for most of the journey was the question posed. "Couldn't possibly comment officer" was the response.
Pretty sure that quip cost 6 points and a hefty fine.
Clem - I'm intrigued; can we hear more about the snapped ligament and near-drowning? Same incident, or separate?
Same. Horribly drunk. We went 1-0 up, decided I was going on the pitch, slipped and got my leg caught under a seat. Loads tumbled over from the rows behind. Seat holding me snapped as did my cruciate, flipped over the front crush barrier and ended up face down in a puddle with two blokes on top of me.
Was so pissed it wasn't till the journey home that it got painful. Couple of Villa fans took pity and gave me some medicinal cigarettes for the journey.
By the time we got to Euston I couldn't walk and was wheeled up the slope on a luggage trolley. @razil and others thought it would be a laugh to push me back down the slope towards an incoming train! Was saved by a platform worker.
1968/69 Season at the Derby home game which my uncle took me too, we stood on the terracing between the main stand and the southstand, I went to the toilet and on my way back couldn't find my uncle so went to mr plod who took me to the main stand and i ended up watching the rest of the game from there, club made a tannoy announcement to my uncle who collected me at full time. Have to say over 30,000 at the the game which we won 2-0 The worst thing was although we beat them we then lost to Preston on the last game having missed two pens which meant Derby and Palace got promoted.
Clem - I'm intrigued; can we hear more about the snapped ligament and near-drowning? Same incident, or separate?
Same. Horribly drunk. We went 1-0 up, decided I was going on the pitch, slipped and got my leg caught under a seat. Loads tumbled over from the rows behind. Seat holding me snapped as did my cruciate, flipped over the front crush barrier and ended up face down in a puddle with two blokes on top of me.
Was so pissed it wasn't till the journey home that it got painful. Couple of Villa fans took pity and gave me some medicinal cigarettes for the journey.
By the time we got to Euston I couldn't walk and was wheeled up the slope on a luggage trolley. @razil and others thought it would be a laugh to push me back down the slope towards an incoming train! Was saved by a platform worker.
Was discharged from Greenwich Hospital about 4am.
A brilliant story, Clem: amusing for us and excruciating for you. Villa strikes a chord because I have fond memories of three years at university in Brum in the 1980s. Two of my London pals drove up for a weekend that included Derby v Charlton at the old Baseball Ground. We had been drinking most of Friday night and were still sinking Davenport's bitter in a Birmingham pub well after 2 p.m. on the Saturday when we decided we'd better get a move on. We grabbed a couple of bottles of Blue Nun and a corkscrew, hammered along the A38 to Derby, parked up near the ground and just made the kick-off. Peter Shilton was in goal with his poovy bubble-perm, and I was well out of it, screaming "You're an old woman, Shilton - Where's yer handbag?" and giving him the wanker sign. Eventually a copper sidled up behind me and said: "If I see you make that gesture again I won't just throw you out of the ground, I will charge you." I kept my hands deep in my pockets for a while....
Remember a Tuesday night at The Victoria Ground Stoke. Horrible 2-0 defeat.
@rikofold had a new Corsa SRi and after such a depressing defeat was keen to test the top speed on the way home. We were halfway down the M11 by 11ish.
Unbeknown to us we were followed by an unmarked police car for some distance and the average speed clocked in at 99.5! When we were pulled over the copper asked where we had been and when @rikofold told him he glanced at his watch and looked pretty shocked.
You must have been travelling at well over 100mph for most of the journey was the question posed. "Couldn't possibly comment officer" was the response.
Pretty sure that quip cost 6 points and a hefty fine.
£250 yeah. Probably shouldn't have mentioned where I'd been. He'd been following me for about 5 miles apparently, I was too busy pretending I was in hyperspace to notice.
Arsenal 2-2 89? Mayhem after McKenzie goal, such a crush after the game, feet off the floor until popped out of the gates and the crowd could spread out, scary at the time but looking back so much more exciting than seated tedium of today. Hull away toothless Flanagan on the fence, 1-1 and a long wobbly drive home, liquid away trips and white line fever.
Arsenal 2-2 89? Mayhem after McKenzie goal, such a crush after the game, feet off the floor until popped out of the gates and the crowd could spread out, scary at the time but looking back so much more exciting than seated tedium of today. Hull away toothless Flanagan on the fence, 1-1 and a long wobbly drive home, liquid away trips and white line fever.
Yeah after that Mackenzie equaliser after really exciting midweek 2-2 at Highbury I bruised my ribs on one of the crush barriers they had in those days celebrating that great goal. Was in agony for about three weeks but worth the pain. I remember an Arsenal fan goading us all throughout the match too as I was standing right next to the coppers who were separating the fans. He was furious his boys didn't win.
Not charlton but went with work people to arsenal v Man U at highbury. Arsenal had won league after Liverpool lost earlier in day (season arsenal had two points deducted) and we were in with united fans in corner of clock end. Jeremy Beadle was in corporate boxes at clock end and got loads of of grief from united fans so he went and got a big champions banner and hung it over the side of the box and started giving it back to united fans. Unfortunately he hung it upside down so all the united fans were singing 'watch out, beadles a c*nt' and he was getting more and more irate as this went on for twenty mins. Didn't come out in second half and someone later came and sheepishly removed the banner when they finally realised.
Everton at the valley, gravesen taking a corner in front of the the covered end. "You're just gravesend without the d" shouts someone. He looked baffled!
At home park plymouth in the early 80's where you stood behind the goal. My mate turned round and said theres a giraffe eating some of the foliage at the back of the terraces, i told him to bugger off, then when i looked there was. Apparently there was an animal sanctury behind their ground and they took in animals like giraffes...strange thing.
Another when i saw Ebbsfleet Utd (then Gravesend & Northfleet) at a cup replay at wimbledon. Some young wimbledon fan was trying to threaten some older Fleet fans with silly king fu kicks down the terraces, then as he went down one he slipped and fell right in the middle of the fleet fans. They gave him the odd kick up the backside as he fled and bet he was bruised in the morning. That will teach him.
Remember that game at Southend - early 90's, finished 1-1, two missed penalties? (I think Chris Powell was playing for them) If so, maybe you remember this - maybe it was you!
There was a bloke in the Charlton section a few rows behind me bellowing at whoever on the pitch he felt deserved it throughout the match and the abuse always kept the same structure, ie: "Oi! (Insert name here) (Abuse referring to being fat/bald/shit etc) You c**t! (Or c**ts)"
As an example, one that sticks in my mind is:
"Oi! Ref! You're so bald, my arse has got more hair on it than your head! You c**t!"
Anyway, he did this a number of times through the match - he wasn't hurting anyone, but it was a bit lame - but eventually, at the top of his voice he came out with:
"Oi! Charlton! It's a good job you ain't chefs..."
To which the crowd seemed to go silent and turn as one to him for enlightenment as to what the fuck he was talking about.
I swear I could hear a general murmur from all around me of "What?"
He never got to the "You c**t" that time. It was like he suddenly realised he didn't have a punchline.
Really tickled me at the time and still makes me chuckle when I think about it.
Ha ha brilliant. It wasn't me but how about a competition to finish the sentence off? Here's my effort Oi Charlton! It's a good job you ain't chefs you'd soon be out of work serving up sh*t like this every week you c**ts
A grim visit to Ayresome Park years ago when we had a tiny turnout (Oohh Arr will confirm). There was less than fifty of us. Some major Boro lumps who were in our end decided that there was nothing to fight except for a handful of us so moved back into the neighbouring stand which was lined with Boro hooligans. They left behind a complete arsehole dressed in pink and bowling about the terracing give it large. He then decided to pick on a woman who was a regular away traveller (let's call her Karen to save any blushes) and he called her an ugly name. Unimpressed, she asked him to repeat what he had said and he obliged even more cockily than the first time. Before anyone of us could jump in she took two steps forward and smacked him straight in the mouth. As he reeled backwards in front of his Boro audience, she followed up with a couple more and the place erupted in laughter. Plod ran down and chummy was escorted back to his hysterical mates with a crimson face. I can't be certain but I am pretty sure he hasn't done that since. The lady in question is still a Valley regular.
A grim visit to Ayresome Park years ago when we had a tiny turnout (Oohh Arr will confirm). There was less than fifty of us. Some major Boro lumps who were in our end decided that there was nothing to fight except for a handful of us so moved back into the neighbouring stand which was lined with Boro hooligans. They left behind a complete arsehole dressed in pink and bowling about the terracing give it large. He then decided to pick on a woman who was a regular away traveller (let's call her Karen to save any blushes) and he called her an ugly name. Unimpressed, she asked him to repeat what he had said and he obliged even more cockily than the first time. Before anyone of us could jump in she took two steps forward and smacked him straight in the mouth. As he reeled backwards in front of his Boro audience, she followed up with a couple more and the place erupted in laughter. Plod ran down and chummy was escorted back to his hysterical mates with a crimson face. I can't be certain but I am pretty sure he hasn't done that since. The lady in question is still a Valley regular.
A grim visit to Ayresome Park years ago when we had a tiny turnout (Oohh Arr will confirm). There was less than fifty of us. Some major Boro lumps who were in our end decided that there was nothing to fight except for a handful of us so moved back into the neighbouring stand which was lined with Boro hooligans. They left behind a complete arsehole dressed in pink and bowling about the terracing give it large. He then decided to pick on a woman who was a regular away traveller (let's call her Karen to save any blushes) and he called her an ugly name. Unimpressed, she asked him to repeat what he had said and he obliged even more cockily than the first time. Before anyone of us could jump in she took two steps forward and smacked him straight in the mouth. As he reeled backwards in front of his Boro audience, she followed up with a couple more and the place erupted in laughter. Plod ran down and chummy was escorted back to his hysterical mates with a crimson face. I can't be certain but I am pretty sure he hasn't done that since. The lady in question is still a Valley regular.
You have name names. That lady needs the recognition that heroic act deserves. Is she on CL?
A grim visit to Ayresome Park years ago when we had a tiny turnout (Oohh Arr will confirm). There was less than fifty of us. Some major Boro lumps who were in our end decided that there was nothing to fight except for a handful of us so moved back into the neighbouring stand which was lined with Boro hooligans. They left behind a complete arsehole dressed in pink and bowling about the terracing give it large. He then decided to pick on a woman who was a regular away traveller (let's call her Karen to save any blushes) and he called her an ugly name. Unimpressed, she asked him to repeat what he had said and he obliged even more cockily than the first time. Before anyone of us could jump in she took two steps forward and smacked him straight in the mouth. As he reeled backwards in front of his Boro audience, she followed up with a couple more and the place erupted in laughter. Plod ran down and chummy was escorted back to his hysterical mates with a crimson face. I can't be certain but I am pretty sure he hasn't done that since. The lady in question is still a Valley regular.
You have name names. That lady needs the recognition that heroic act deserves. Is she on CL?
A grim visit to Ayresome Park years ago when we had a tiny turnout (Oohh Arr will confirm). There was less than fifty of us. Some major Boro lumps who were in our end decided that there was nothing to fight except for a handful of us so moved back into the neighbouring stand which was lined with Boro hooligans. They left behind a complete arsehole dressed in pink and bowling about the terracing give it large. He then decided to pick on a woman who was a regular away traveller (let's call her Karen to save any blushes) and he called her an ugly name. Unimpressed, she asked him to repeat what he had said and he obliged even more cockily than the first time. Before anyone of us could jump in she took two steps forward and smacked him straight in the mouth. As he reeled backwards in front of his Boro audience, she followed up with a couple more and the place erupted in laughter. Plod ran down and chummy was escorted back to his hysterical mates with a crimson face. I can't be certain but I am pretty sure he hasn't done that since. The lady in question is still a Valley regular.
Comments
1. After our 2-0 victory over Manchester United at Sell-Out Park in November 1989 with two goals from Paul Williams, I hung around the back of the main stand like a groupie. Alex Ferguson came out and spoke to a huddle of three journalists, and me. What impressed me was that even though I obviously wasn't a hack because I wasn't taking notes, he included me in the briefing, making eye contact with that rather chilling stare. I have always admired Ferguson, partly because despite his wealth and fame he has never forgotten his working-class roots in the Ayrshire coalfield.
2. Pre-season friendly at Edgware Town in the early 1990s. Lennie Lawrence was sitting in the dug-out as his assistant Colin Clarke tracked up and down the touchline giving personal coaching to Scott Minto, our promising young full-back. Minto was continually implored to stay wide and not drift inside, and after receiving a short corner he was exhorted by Clarke not to pass back to the corner-taker because he was offside. This specialist one-to-one tuition during a match impressed me.
Vincent - just pleased I wrote that email the day after, would never have remembered otherwise! Couldn't believe Jez had kept it all these years, but glad he did. Probably a little bit of poetic licence on some of the timings but the quotes and characters are accurate!
Met him after a few drinks recently & thorougly pissed him off by attempting to start a conversation about it!
My only memorable appearance on MOTD was being behind the goal in the 4-3 at Aston Villa - same game I think Clem did his knee in. Pie dropping out my mouth as I abused the referee, of all the bloody times to capture my otherwise magnificence.
Remember asking Curbs if there was any score as we passed the bench. He looked at us like we were mad!
Snapped my cruciate ligament at Villa and nearly drowned.
@rikofold had a new Corsa SRi and after such a depressing defeat was keen to test the top speed on the way home. We were halfway down the M11 by 11ish.
Unbeknown to us we were followed by an unmarked police car for some distance and the average speed clocked in at 99.5! When we were pulled over the copper asked where we had been and when @rikofold told him he glanced at his watch and looked pretty shocked.
You must have been travelling at well over 100mph for most of the journey was the question posed. "Couldn't possibly comment officer" was the response.
Pretty sure that quip cost 6 points and a hefty fine.
Was so pissed it wasn't till the journey home that it got painful. Couple of Villa fans took pity and gave me some medicinal cigarettes for the journey.
By the time we got to Euston I couldn't walk and was wheeled up the slope on a luggage trolley. @razil and others thought it would be a laugh to push me back down the slope towards an incoming train! Was saved by a platform worker.
Was discharged from Greenwich Hospital about 4am.
The worst thing was although we beat them we then lost to Preston on the last game having missed two pens which meant Derby and Palace got promoted.
Another when i saw Ebbsfleet Utd (then Gravesend & Northfleet) at a cup replay at wimbledon. Some young wimbledon fan was trying to threaten some older Fleet fans with silly king fu kicks down the terraces, then as he went down one he slipped and fell right in the middle of the fleet fans. They gave him the odd kick up the backside as he fled and bet he was bruised in the morning. That will teach him.
If so, maybe you remember this - maybe it was you!
There was a bloke in the Charlton section a few rows behind me bellowing at whoever on the pitch he felt deserved it throughout the match and the abuse always kept the same structure, ie:
"Oi! (Insert name here)
(Abuse referring to being fat/bald/shit etc)
You c**t! (Or c**ts)"
As an example, one that sticks in my mind is:
"Oi! Ref!
You're so bald, my arse has got more hair on it than your head!
You c**t!"
Anyway, he did this a number of times through the match - he wasn't hurting anyone, but it was a bit lame - but eventually, at the top of his voice he came out with:
"Oi! Charlton!
It's a good job you ain't chefs..."
To which the crowd seemed to go silent and turn as one to him for enlightenment as to what the fuck he was talking about.
I swear I could hear a general murmur from all around me of "What?"
He never got to the "You c**t" that time.
It was like he suddenly realised he didn't have a punchline.
Really tickled me at the time and still makes me chuckle when I think about it.