#1 When our eldest was a toddler he had a thing about Garibaldi biscuits, but he couldn't say Garibaldi so he called them baldy baldy biscuits. One day we'd been to the supermarket and he'd seen up put them in the trolley and wanted some. We explained that as we hadn't paid he couldn't have them yet and that he'd have to wait until we got back to the car. As soon as we were in the car park he yelled out "BALDY BALDY" at the top of his voice just as this slaphead bloke was walking past. I don't think anyone has ever given me a filthier look.
#2 Our eldest again but a few years on, I'd guess he was about 7 or 8. The whole family had been out for the day and came back to his Nan's house. Outside on the pavement some filthy scumbag had left a used condom (Westcliff is not the nicest of areas). He pipes up, "nanny, why is there a dildo outside your house"? So there I am half peeing myself, half dead embarrassed trying to explain what a dildo isn't without dropping any hints as to what it is.
On the way back from the shops in the car with my two year old twins, as ever Luke was winding up Alice, nicking her toys etc and prompting screams of "Shut up!" "No, you shut up" and so on.
So, playing the Desmond Tutu card I say to Alice, "Listen, if Luke is bothering you just say to him, 'Leave me in peace', rather than all the 'shut up' stuff, OK?"
She agreed and we got back home 15 minutes later and my wife was interviewing a new nanny for them, a really fit, posh girl who was looking for work to fit in with her university studies.
I wanted to show off my diplomacy skills so I said to my wife, "Listen to this, Alice, what are you going to say next time Luke is annoying you?"
All eyes turned to Alice who was sitting at the breakfast bar having a yoghurt, she poised with spoon in mid-air and said - and I quote - "I will say to him, fuck off you stupid bugger!"
The potential employee gasped and my missus went off her nut.
My brother dropped my Mum in it in the early seventies. The fashion for Afghan coats was followed by a fashion for coats with large black and white patches. My Mum's in the crowded supermarket with my brother when a woman wearing one of these coats passes by prompting my brother to say at the top of his voice: Mummy, Mummy, did you see that big cow?
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#2 Our eldest again but a few years on, I'd guess he was about 7 or 8. The whole family had been out for the day and came back to his Nan's house. Outside on the pavement some filthy scumbag had left a used condom (Westcliff is not the nicest of areas). He pipes up, "nanny, why is there a dildo outside your house"? So there I am half peeing myself, half dead embarrassed trying to explain what a dildo isn't without dropping any hints as to what it is.
So, playing the Desmond Tutu card I say to Alice, "Listen, if Luke is bothering you just say to him, 'Leave me in peace', rather than all the 'shut up' stuff, OK?"
She agreed and we got back home 15 minutes later and my wife was interviewing a new nanny for them, a really fit, posh girl who was looking for work to fit in with her university studies.
I wanted to show off my diplomacy skills so I said to my wife, "Listen to this, Alice, what are you going to say next time Luke is annoying you?"
All eyes turned to Alice who was sitting at the breakfast bar having a yoghurt, she poised with spoon in mid-air and said - and I quote - "I will say to him, fuck off you stupid bugger!"
The potential employee gasped and my missus went off her nut.