DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." ____________________________________
AA don't want to rain on your parade, but could you actually post something that is funny!
To some people, the feminist light bulb joke is funny precisely because it's not a joke. If you're referring to my (many) other posts in this thread, some people find them funny, some don't. I'm not making any quality judgement myself, I'm just putting up what I can remember. You should be thankful I've forgotten most of what I've heard over the years!
My mate tried some Walkers mystery flavour crisps last night & swore they tasted like his wife's fanny. He thought it was his imagination, but everyone in the pub said he was right!!!
Okay as, thanks to Sillybilly, we've nearly got there anyway. (This joke works best in a pub after a few beers and with the c word and the appropriate actions - but you can work that out yourselves!) I give you the infamous ice cream joke.
This bloke is walking along the Golden Mile in Blackpool and walks past a smart ice cream parlour. He stops and does a double take. There's a sign in the window that reads proudly: "We can make any flavour ice cream you like". He thinks to himself, "that can't be right, I bet I could think of a flavour they can't do." So, he goes into the shop and says to the assistant "I'd like a cornet please - fanny flavour." Without batting an eyelid, the assistant says "Certainly Sir, It'll be a few minutes, I've got to mix up a fresh batch" and he disappears out the back. Five minutes later, he's back with this fabulous-looking cornet. The ice cream is in a pretty squirl, has a fantastic colour and is piled high on the cornet. He says, "there you are Sir, one fanny flavour ice cream". The customer looks surprised but impressed, he takes the ice cream and starting near the edge of the cornet, gives it a long lick right to the very top. Almost immediately, his eyes are wide open, his face contorts into a grimace and he gasps, "Arrgh, that's really disgusting - it tastes like shit". The assistant replies "may I recommend that Sir takes shorter licks?"
There's a very weedy bloke, only 5'4", bald as a coot, sitting in the pub, nursing his half of shandy. The pub comedian decides to have some fun at his expense. He strolls over, rubs the weedy bloke on top of his head and says, very loudly for the whole pub to hear,
"Your head feels just like my wife's arse."
The weedy guy puts down his shandy, rubs his own head and says to the comedian, also very loudly for the whole pub to hear,
3 Yorkshire lads and 3 Cockney blokes were in a ticket queue at York Central train station heading to Euston for a Scotland - England International at Wembley.
The 3 Cockneys each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Yorkies bought just one ticket between them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cockneys. "Thall av t watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the North.
When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Londoners sat down, but the 3 Northerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on into the next car.
The Southerners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save themselves some money.
That evening after the game, when they all got to Euston, the Cockney blokes bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment, the 3 Yorkshire lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Cockneys. "A tell thee, Lad, tha has t watch and learn", answered one of the Tykes.
When they boarded the train the 3 Cockneys crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Yorkies crammed themselves into another toilet.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Tykes left their toilet and walked over to the Cockney's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".
"Those pills you gave me to improve my husband's libido, well there's some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news", asks the doctor.
"Well", says the woman "we were having dinner and as you suggested I slipped one in his drink when he went to the loo. When he came back, he took one sip, ripped off his clothes, ripped off my clothes and made mad, passionate love to me on the table".
A passer by approaches a farmer who is standing infront of a sheep suspended from a tree. What are you doing. I am sheep shagging. You chaps don't normally do it like that do you? Not usually, but I like to snog with them while I am doing it.
A passer by approaches a farmer who is standing infront of a sheep suspended from a tree. What are you doing. I am sheep shagging. You chaps don't normally do it like that do you? Not usually, but I like to snog with them while I am doing it.
This bloke goes on to a jokes thread and says. 'Ive got a subjective joke', the next bloke says 'thats not funny' the third bloke says, 'thats brilliant'.
Comments
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have,
He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"
Ikea Turner.
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
____________________________________
"I say, Major, when did you last have congress with a member of the opposite sex?"
to which the Major replies
"Nineteen fifty-eight, Group Captain".
The Group Captain commiserates with the Major, seeing as it's so long ago, to which the Major replies
"It's not that long, old bean, it's only 22 hundred hours now".
This bloke is walking along the Golden Mile in Blackpool and walks past a smart ice cream parlour.
He stops and does a double take. There's a sign in the window that reads proudly: "We can make any flavour ice cream you like".
He thinks to himself, "that can't be right, I bet I could think of a flavour they can't do."
So, he goes into the shop and says to the assistant "I'd like a cornet please - fanny flavour."
Without batting an eyelid, the assistant says "Certainly Sir, It'll be a few minutes, I've got to mix up a fresh batch" and he disappears out the back.
Five minutes later, he's back with this fabulous-looking cornet. The ice cream is in a pretty squirl, has a fantastic colour and is piled high on the cornet. He says, "there you are Sir, one fanny flavour ice cream".
The customer looks surprised but impressed, he takes the ice cream and starting near the edge of the cornet, gives it a long lick right to the very top.
Almost immediately, his eyes are wide open, his face contorts into a grimace and he gasps, "Arrgh, that's really disgusting - it tastes like shit".
The assistant replies "may I recommend that Sir takes shorter licks?"
"Your head feels just like my wife's arse."
The weedy guy puts down his shandy, rubs his own head and says to the comedian, also very loudly for the whole pub to hear,
"It does, doesn't it."
The 3 Cockneys each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Yorkies bought just one ticket between them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on 1 ticket?" asked one of the Cockneys.
"Thall av t watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the North.
When the 6 travellers boarded the train, the 3 Londoners sat down, but the 3 Northerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train set off the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said, "tickets please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on into the next car.
The Southerners saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save themselves some money.
That evening after the game, when they all got to Euston, the Cockney blokes bought a single ticket for the return trip, while to their astonishment, the 3 Yorkshire lads didn't even buy 1 ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Cockneys.
"A tell thee, Lad, tha has t watch and learn", answered one of the Tykes.
When they boarded the train the 3 Cockneys crammed themselves into a toilet and the 3 Yorkies crammed themselves into another toilet.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Tykes left their toilet and walked over to the Cockney's toilet. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".
"Those pills you gave me to improve my husband's libido, well there's some good news and some bad news."
"What's the good news", asks the doctor.
"Well", says the woman "we were having dinner and as you suggested I slipped one in his drink when he went to the loo. When he came back, he took one sip, ripped off his clothes, ripped off my clothes and made mad, passionate love to me on the table".
"And what's the bad news?", asks the doctor.
"We're banned for life from the restaurant!"
What are you doing.
I am sheep shagging.
You chaps don't normally do it like that do you?
Not usually, but I like to snog with them while I am doing it.
Where men are men...
...and sheep are nervous.
A Leisure Centre
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglas.
Next day, his wife rang to ask how it went.
The doctor said, "I'm afraid it's till touch and go."
The thief got away with the lute.
The police say they are looking for a bald Catholic.