My mate and his girlfriend were on the beach when she said "I'd like to make love in the sea." He thought about it and said "OK but I can't swim, so not too deep." After a while she giggled and said"Do you think anyone realises what we're doing?" "Probably,"he said as another wave broke over his ankles
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth. So why did you come around then? Well, I saw this light at the window...!
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon! Well sit still and don't stir!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache? Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me One at a time please
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises!
Doctor: You need new glasses Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple. We must get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up! Just simmer down!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger!
Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits! What, you mean those square ones? Yes! The ones you put butter on? Yes! Oh, You're Crackers!
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film! Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops then.
Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake Sleep in another room then!
Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday. Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells? What do you mean "took them out of their shells!"
Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me. Next please!
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. You're too tents.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog. Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality Well, you'd better both sit down then!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit Will you get out of my hair!
There's this Englishman who sets up a taxidermy business in the Australian outback. He has this very flash sign above his shop window that says, unsurprisingly, Taxidermy. This causes no end of consternation to the locals, none of whom knows what this means.
Eventually, after a town meeting to which the Englishman is not invited, they townspeople summon up the courage to approach the Englishman at home. They ring the doorbell and the Englishman comes out to see the whole town assembled in the street. The mayor has been appointed spokesman and asks (cue Australian accent)
"Excuse me, cobber, but you've been here a few weeks now and we're still wondering what it is you do with this 'taxidermy'."
to which the Englishman replies (cue posh accent)
"Oh, it's quite simple really, I stuff animals."
There's a murmuring in the crowd and the mayor continues
"Does that include sheep?"
"Well, yes, I suppose. No reason at all that I can think of why it wouldn't."
The mayor turns to the townspeople and says with a great deal of relief
A Higgs boson walks in to a church. The verger says "We don't allow Higgs bosons in here". The Higgs boson replies "You have to, without me you can't have mass".
Comments
After a while she giggled and said"Do you think anyone realises what we're doing?"
"Probably,"he said as another wave broke over his ankles
Doctor, doctor, I think I'm invisible. Sorry, I can't see you now.
Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a billiard ball. Get to the end of the queue.
Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains. Pull yourself together.
Doctor, doctor, I think I've got three heads. There, there, there.
Anabolic?
No just the penis.
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!
Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!
Take one of these every 4 laps!
Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories!
Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Patient: How do you know?, I haven't told you whats wrong with me yet
Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a snail
Don't worry we'll soon have you out of your shell!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a butterfly
Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!
Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up!
Just simmer down!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an adder
Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!
You have a broken finger!
Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!
Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops then.
Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
Sleep in another room then!
Well don't point him at anyone until I get there!
Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name!
Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog
What's wrong with that
I think I'm going to croak
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a vampire.
Necks please!
Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking?
Sprinkle drawing pins on your bedroom floor!
Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift!
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor!
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells!"
Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!
Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor, Doctor I've a split personality
Well, you'd better both sit down then!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a nit
Will you get out of my hair!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band
Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it!
Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar
I can't believe that!
Doctor, Doctor I need something to keep my falling hair in
What about a matchbox!
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodworm
How boring for you!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
That's shocking!
Janet: Ach, Dr Finlay, it's awful gruesome.
Dr Finlay: Well, stroke it Janet and it'll grow some more.
I've got some cream for that.
Doctor Finlay, I've got a terrible pain in ma chest.
Take your t!ts out of the soup, woman.
They need to learn to share.
There's this Englishman who sets up a taxidermy business in the Australian outback. He has this very flash sign above his shop window that says, unsurprisingly, Taxidermy. This causes no end of consternation to the locals, none of whom knows what this means.
Eventually, after a town meeting to which the Englishman is not invited, they townspeople summon up the courage to approach the Englishman at home. They ring the doorbell and the Englishman comes out to see the whole town assembled in the street. The mayor has been appointed spokesman and asks (cue Australian accent)
"Excuse me, cobber, but you've been here a few weeks now and we're still wondering what it is you do with this 'taxidermy'."
to which the Englishman replies (cue posh accent)
"Oh, it's quite simple really, I stuff animals."
There's a murmuring in the crowd and the mayor continues
"Does that include sheep?"
"Well, yes, I suppose. No reason at all that I can think of why it wouldn't."
The mayor turns to the townspeople and says with a great deal of relief
"It's OK, folks, he's one of us."
David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him
in the rear view mirror.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue"
Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played
in America and got over a 100 caps for England. Is that enough ?"
Driver replies "No you thick twat, where do you want to go ?"
The horrified female assistant says 'Excuse sir, this is a watch menders'.
He replied' Ok put a couple of hands on that '.