A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decreed, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympic boxing. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."
A Chinese bloke walks into the pub and starts drinking right next to me. "Do you know Kung pho, karate or any of that Bruce lee martial arts stuff?" I asked him. "Why the Fuk you ask me dat? He cried... " is it because I Chinese?" "Not at all" I replied... " it's because your drinking my fucking pint..."
AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.
THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE."SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.
THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.
THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" .
SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.
THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE.
THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."
A company of infantry in the British Army come on the the parade ground. The CSM calls them to attention and announces
"Livermore, your mother's dead".
Livermore is understandbly very upset and is given the rest of the day off. The captain has a word with the CSM and tells him the brusqueness of his telling Livermore has contributed to his trauma and that the sergeant needs to learn compassion and subtlety when dealing with such matters.
A few weeks later, the company is at parade again. The CSM call them to attention and calls out
"All those with a father, take one step forward."
and then immediately after
"Livermore, where the hell do you think your going?"
Two Generals... One American / one British are talking about which nations soldiers have the most bollocks (guts), the American is sure its their nation whilst the Brit is sure its theirs... the American General turns round and says: there's only one way to settle this: Private Johnson, climb to the top of that 10ft tower and jump off
Private Johnson duly climbs the tower, jumps off and falls to the ground, surprisingly he gets up, salutes the Generals and walks off, the American General turns to his compatriot and says: You see that, thats bollocks
The British General agrees it was impressive and turns: Private Evans, climb to the top of that 10ft tower and jump off... Private Evans looks at the tower, turns to his General and says: Fuck off sir, and walks off
The British General turns to the American and goes... Now THATS what you call Bollocks!!
Inspired by the latest offer by Katrien, an old joke came to mind:
A salesman is in Glasgow for the first time. He sees a written notice on the window of a pub which read "pie and a pint and a kindly word £1" He went into the pub and found it empty except for the barman. "I'll have your offer in the window for £1 please" The barman said nothing, turned around and came back with his pint and a pie and then started to walk away. "What about the kindly word then?" the salesman called after the barman. "Don't eat the pie" came the reply.
Comments
Didn't really achieve anything though, we've still got a great big shit on our lawn and the bastards next door have got my shovel!
Apparently, in HD with a wet wipe in me hand is that wrong answer
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Subject:British Guiana
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decreed, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympic boxing. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file.
Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off."
They say history is written by the victors. That's why French history books are blank from cover to cover.
"Do you know Kung pho, karate or any of that Bruce lee martial arts stuff?" I asked him.
"Why the Fuk you ask me dat? He cried... " is it because I Chinese?"
"Not at all" I replied... " it's because your drinking my fucking pint..."
AN AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.
THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE."SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.
THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.
THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" .
SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.
THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE.
THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."
They will now walk out of Poundland after 1 minute.
I wasn't alone
"Livermore, your mother's dead".
Livermore is understandbly very upset and is given the rest of the day off. The captain has a word with the CSM and tells him the brusqueness of his telling Livermore has contributed to his trauma and that the sergeant needs to learn compassion and subtlety when dealing with such matters.
A few weeks later, the company is at parade again. The CSM call them to attention and calls out
"All those with a father, take one step forward."
and then immediately after
"Livermore, where the hell do you think your going?"
Private Johnson duly climbs the tower, jumps off and falls to the ground, surprisingly he gets up, salutes the Generals and walks off, the American General turns to his compatriot and says: You see that, thats bollocks
The British General agrees it was impressive and turns: Private Evans, climb to the top of that 10ft tower and jump off... Private Evans looks at the tower, turns to his General and says: Fuck off sir, and walks off
The British General turns to the American and goes... Now THATS what you call Bollocks!!
I just hope she likes snooker
A salesman is in Glasgow for the first time.
He sees a written notice on the window of a pub which read "pie and a pint and a kindly word £1"
He went into the pub and found it empty except for the barman.
"I'll have your offer in the window for £1 please"
The barman said nothing, turned around and came back with his pint and a pie and then started to walk away.
"What about the kindly word then?" the salesman called after the barman.
"Don't eat the pie" came the reply.
The church have informed the missing parsons bureau
Because their scum
This has really made me laugh - not the joke I should add.
Leicester City have not seen their former manager for over a week.
The club have informed the missing pearsons bureau