I played Bonopoly last night. It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name
Not technically a joke but it made me chuckle and is linked to the above. My wife said that she was talking to someone at her work who saw them play once. Apparently, in true Bono form he was half performing half using it as a platform to discuss the grave plight of the world's poor. He was on stage and said "Every 10 seconds I clap my hands, and a child dies in Africa" To which someone shouted from the audience "Stop doing it then"
I played Bonopoly last night. It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name
Not technically a joke but it made me chuckle and is linked to the above. My wife said that she was talking to someone at her work who saw them play once. Apparently, in true Bono form he was half performing half using it as a platform to discuss the grave plight of the world's poor. He was on stage and said "Every 10 seconds I clap my hands, and a child dies in Africa" To which someone shouted from the audience "Stop doing it then"
The real life stories are the best. I loved the one about U2 playing Hampden Park in Glasgow a few years ago. Mid song Bono demanded quiet from the audience, stood head bowed at the microphone and started very slowly clapping his hands together with about a second between claps. Still head bowed he began to speak in his best sanctimonious voice..."every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies..." At which point the silence was broken by a loud drunken Scottish voice shouting..."well stop fucking doing it then!"
The real life stories are the best. I loved the one about U2 playing Hampden Park in Glasgow a few years ago. Mid song Bono demanded quiet from the audience, stood head bowed at the microphone and started very slowly clapping his hands together with about a second between claps. Still head bowed he began to speak in his best sanctimonious voice..."every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies..." At which point the silence was broken by a loud drunken Scottish voice shouting..."well stop fucking doing it then!"
Little Johnny was 13 years old. One day he was up in his bedroom buffing up the happy lamp when his mum walked in and caught him. A bit shocked she thought the had better nip this habit in the bud, so she said, "That's not the way we do things in this family, Johnny. You should save that sort of thing until you are married and then you will find it all the more satisfying".
A couple of weeks later she thought, in her best mumsie way, that she had better check how he was getting on. "Johnny", she said, "you remember the other day when I caught you in your bedroom and said to save certain things until you were married". "yes, mum" he replied. "Well, how are you getting on with that"? "Oh great mum", he said, "I've got half a pint already"!
Three old timers at the retirement home were complaining about growing old. The first one says, "I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a poo." The second one says, "Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to pee." The third one says, "I take a nice poo at 7:00 AM and about 7:30 AM take a nice pee." The other two guys look at him and ask, "What are you complaining about?" The third man explains, "I don't wake up till 8:30 AM."
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife
Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant : What is her height ? Husband : Oh, 5 something . . . Sergeant : Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant : Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed. Sergeant : Color of hair? Husband : Changes according to season. Sergeant : What was she wearing? Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly. Sergeant : Did she go in a car? Husband : yes. Sergeant : What kind of car was it? Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door...... at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car
Comments
Husband says " What do you expect you're in a f*****g wheelchair"
It's like Monopoly but where the streets have no name
I can just imagine his face
A couple of weeks later she thought, in her best mumsie way, that she had better check how he was getting on. "Johnny", she said, "you remember the other day when I caught you in your bedroom and said to save certain things until you were married". "yes, mum" he replied. "Well, how are you getting on with that"? "Oh great mum", he said, "I've got half a pint already"!
pick it up and suck its cock...................
Funny name for a cock.
Turns out it was a Jihaddy Long Legs.
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
Husband : I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door...... at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We'll find your car
=
I met her online.
'But....Wait!.....Rose!', he yelled after her