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Jokes..

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  • I was talking to my wife today after our son got sent home early from school for swearing.

    I said, "Apparently, he said the 'c' word."

    She said, "Well that wasn't clever was it?"

    I replied, "No... It was 'cunt'."
  • The life of Brian

    A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. What luck !!
    He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time, like my coming along when you needed a
    cab - things happen like that happen to Brian, every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano!! He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine,which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix
    anything!! Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian - he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew
    how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
    He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ...."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his F#%!!*g widow "
  • Brilliant stuff!
  • What have Arsenal, Spurs and Paul McCartney all got in common?

    They've all got over excited over 1 leg!!
  • I was working behind the bar in my local last night, when this sexy woman came in and asked for a double entendre.
    So I gave her one.
  • [cite]Posted By: eaststandmike[/cite]I got my Valentines cards mixed up on Monday.

    Now the gril friend thinks I love and the wife thinks I want to f**k her.

    Why would you want to f*ck a gril. A knot hole too big?
  • [cite]Posted By: better red than dead[/cite]
    [cite]Posted By: eaststandmike[/cite]I got my Valentines cards mixed up on Monday.

    Now the gril friend thinks I love and the wife thinks I want to f**k her.

    Why would you want to f*ck a gril. ?

    Might be trying to get a bun in the oven.
  • You know you're in Essex when your rape victim sticks their finger up your arse.
  • Second Opinion!

    The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

    You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 ye . ars, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

    He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

    Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

    Joe tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

    As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

    Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

    'Been in the business 60 years.'

    Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

    Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

    Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

    The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

    Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

    The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.'
  • The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said... I wanna watch
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  • Police have confirmed that two premiership footballers have had their homes burgled. Ryan Giggs lost 10 Premiership medals, 2 Champions League medals, 5 FA Cup medals, 8 Community Shield medals, 2 Club Championship medals and 1 Super Cup medal.

    Robin Van Persie lost a DVD player and a toaster...
  • Apparently Rooney didn't turned up at training today...




    ....he's been wandering around Manchester looking for some Nanny with a big gash.
  • A rabbi walks into a bar, in traditional Jewish garb. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Sorry, you'll have to leave". The Jewish gentleman says "Why, don't you serve Jews in here?". The bartender replies "Of course we do, but we just found asbestos in the walls and we're closing for remodeling." The rabbi politely apologizes for making misplaced assumptions about the bartender's place of business.
  • Paddy in the Bathroom and Murphy shouts up to him " Did you find the Shampoo?

    Paddy " Yes but its for dry hair and i just wet mine"
  • Man Sits waiting for his wife to cook breakfast, He hears a thud and goes into the kitchen 2 find her dead on the floor.

    He goes into a blind panic , then suddenly remembers Wetherspoons do breakfast till 11.30
  • What has antlers? A high pitched voice? And wears White gloves?
  • Mickey Moose
  • Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
    Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
    One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
    The woman shakes her head no.
    Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
    The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her asshole a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
  • Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and says "can I get a large aperitif?". Barman says "I f***ing doubt it."
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  • A bloke walks into WH Smiths and says “Do you have that new self-help book for men with small cocks?”



    The girls behind the counter says “I don’t think it’s in yet”



    To which the man replies “Yeah, that’s the one”
  • Maybe too soon but:

    Have you heard they are making a film about Eddie Stobart's life. Should be a decent film, the trailer looks good.
  • Apparently Andy Murray wants Torres to coach him at his tennis, he needs help getting his shots over the net.
  • Wales.......the only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a quality knitted jumper and a decent shag...........all from the same animal...!!
  • [cite]Posted By: E-cafc[/cite]Wales.......the only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a quality knitted jumper and a decent shag...........all from the same animal...!!

    What about Bettie from Coronation St?
  • Well yeah, you can have her as well if you like!! Whatever floats your boat.
  • What's the difference between a drum and a w*nk? You CAN beat a drum.




    All right, I'll get me coat...
  • Women should be like golf caddies


    Either holding your balls or getting your Tee ready
  • Saw Cristiano Ronaldo in town today.
    I said, "Can you sign my shirt?"
    He said, "Have you got a pen?"
    I said, "Shit, no. Hang on".
    With that I threw myself on the floor, rolled over theatrically and began to cry.
    He said, "How's that going to get a pen?"
    I said, "Well that's how you fucking do it"
  • Two blondes walked into a building, you would have thought one of them would have seen it !
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