Jokes..

A-R-T-H-U-R

One by one, members of my orchestra keep on disappearing.
I'm finding the whole thing disconcerting.

Stig

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her nan that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

man_at_milletts

Went to the doctors today he said

'You got OCD'
I said' You mean CDO, how do you know that?'

i_b_b_o_r_g

i_b_b_o_r_g

Jack Wilshere and David Luiz spotted at Heathrow airport.

palarsehater

my wife said shes leaving me because of my obsession with only fools and horses

so i said to her ill get the suitcase from the van

i_b_b_o_r_g

Got home last night and said to the Mrs I can't see you no more

I'm over here behind the sofa

i_b_b_o_r_g

i_b_b_o_r_g

Bournemouth fans queing up to give blood outside Dean Court today, following the arrival of Jack Wilshere...

Sillybilly

Husband. "Bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

Wife. "You have the biggest penis amongst all your friends".

Floyd Montana

Knocked off my bike by a Marmite van.
When the police asked for details, I told them that it headed off in a yeasterly direction.

Greenie

.

Taxi_Lad

Floyd Montana said:

Knocked off my bike by a Marmite van.
When the police asked for details, I told them that it headed off in a yeasterly direction.

Suppose that is a proper "Love it or Hate it" joke!

A-R-T-H-U-R

Don't buy the new iPhone. Impress your friends and save money by simply writing "Sent from my iPhone 7" at the end of each email

A-R-T-H-U-R

I see the British Army is investing in the latest technology and have brought out a scrabble grenade.

I think it might spell danger for the enemy.

Fiiish

https://twitter.com/mansfieldtownfc/status/776034904140292096

i_b_b_o_r_g

stevec

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian

Charlton_Stu

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

Sorry if it offends anyone.

Greenie

Charlton_Stu said:

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

Sorry if it offends anyone.

They'll be an 'offended on behalf of others' along in a minute to ask why do they have to be Irish...... ;o)

stackitsteve

With a surname like O'Kinly they're unlikely to be from Peru

cafcnick1992

Charlton_Stu said:

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

Sorry if it offends anyone.

That is the most racist joke I have ever heard

LoOkOuT

My uncle's an archaeologist. His life is in ruins.

AddicksAddict

stackitsteve said:

With a surname like O'Kinly they're unlikely to be from Peru

Are you sure? https://www.internations.org/peru-expats/irish

AddicksAddict

cafcnick1992 said:

Charlton_Stu said:

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

Sorry if it offends anyone.

That is the most racist joke I have ever heard

You shouldn't read out loud!

AddicksAddict

If I had a pound for every woman who found me unattractive, at some point I'd finally become attractive to them.

Sillybilly

I bought my wife a pair of crotchless knickers. Nothing sexual. Just wanted to give her a better grip on her broomstick.

A-R-T-H-U-R

Science update.
Longest unit of time: a Chilcot.
Shortest unit of time: an Allardyce.

AddicksAddict

My local mobile 'phone shop has stopped selling the Samsung Note 7. The manager explained they sell handsets, not hand grenades.

i_b_b_o_r_g

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right...... we had 6 matching balls.