There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives. The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation. He asks the first guy what his job was. "I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies. "Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says. "I'm a fireman," the second guy says. "Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince. The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
Bloke walks into a pub and orders nine double whiskies. The barman says "that's a lot of whisky, what's the story?". The bloke says "I had my first blow job last night". "Nice one mate" says the barman "drink those and the tenth one is on the house" The bloke says "well, if the first nine don't take the taste away I don't think the tenth will make a lot of difference".
> During a medical examination the doctor asked a man about his physical > activity level. > > The man described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon I took a five > hour walk about, 10 kms, through some pretty rough terrain. > > I waded along the edge of a lake. > > I pushed my way through brambles. > > I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. > > I avoided standing on a snake. > > I climbed several rocky hills. > > I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left > me shattered. > > At the end of it all I drank eight beers." > > Inspired by the story the doctor said, "You sure are one hell of an outdoor > man!" > > "No doctor," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer." >
"How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy. "Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered. "But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?" "But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack. "But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out. The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack. "Yup," Scott answered. "Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance. "I forgot."
An elderly man is standing in the kitchen about to put his jacket on. "Darling"' says his wife, "If you dare come home drunk tonight, I will leave you, this is your absolute last chance!" The man assures his wife that he will just "have the one ale" and assured her that he would be home before late.
However, the man proceeds to drink excessively late into the night when he then throws up over his front, soaking his jacket, shirt and trousers with vomit.
"My God, I have really done it, my wife really is going to leave me, I am ruined" he sobs to his friend, "what am I going to do?"
"Do Yiu have a crisp twenty pound note? ", "good, tell your wife that a drunk man threw up all over you, was very apologetic and offered to pay for the dry cleaning of your garments"
Relieved with this plan, the drunk man heads home to his wife, who is awake when he returns.
"Right, that's it, I AM LEAVING YOU!" She screams.
The man proceeds to explain how a drunk man threw up on him and the pub and shows the wife the crisp twenty pound note in his top pocket.
"Darling, why do you have two crisp twenty pound notes in your top pocket?"
An elderly man is standing in the kitchen about to put his jacket on. "Darling"' says his wife, "If you dare come home drunk tonight, I will leave you, this is your absolute last chance!" The man assures his wife that he will just "have the one ale" and assured her that he would be home before late.
However, the man proceeds to drink excessively late into the night when he then throws up over his front, soaking his jacket, shirt and trousers with vomit.
"My God, I have really done it, my wife really is going to leave me, I am ruined" he sobs to his friend, "what am I going to do?"
"Do Yiu have a crisp twenty pound note? ", "good, tell your wife that a drunk man threw up all over you, was very apologetic and offered to pay for the dry cleaning of your garments"
Relieved with this plan, the drunk man heads home to his wife, who is awake when he returns.
"Right, that's it, I AM LEAVING YOU!" She screams.
The man proceeds to explain how a drunk man threw up on him and the pub and shows the wife the crisp twenty pound note in his top pocket.
"Darling, why do you have two crisp twenty pound notes in your top pocket?"
An elderly man is standing in the kitchen about to put his jacket on. "Darling"' says his wife, "If you dare come home drunk tonight, I will leave you, this is your absolute last chance!" The man assures his wife that he will just "have the one ale" and assured her that he would be home before late.
However, the man proceeds to drink excessively late into the night when he then throws up over his front, soaking his jacket, shirt and trousers with vomit.
"My God, I have really done it, my wife really is going to leave me, I am ruined" he sobs to his friend, "what am I going to do?"
"Do Yiu have a crisp twenty pound note? ", "good, tell your wife that a drunk man threw up all over you, was very apologetic and offered to pay for the dry cleaning of your garments"
Relieved with this plan, the drunk man heads home to his wife, who is awake when he returns.
"Right, that's it, I AM LEAVING YOU!" She screams.
The man proceeds to explain how a drunk man threw up on him and the pub and shows the wife the crisp twenty pound note in his top pocket.
"Darling, why do you have two crisp twenty pound notes in your top pocket?"
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence, and as he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Comments
''Come back when it grows into a foot!"
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says.
"I'm a fireman," the second guy says.
"Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince.
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
The barman says "that's a lot of whisky, what's the story?".
The bloke says "I had my first blow job last night".
"Nice one mate" says the barman "drink those and the tenth one is on the house"
The bloke says "well, if the first nine don't take the taste away I don't think the tenth will make a lot of difference".
> During a medical examination the doctor asked a man about his physical
> activity level.
>
> The man described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon I took a five
> hour walk about, 10 kms, through some pretty rough terrain.
>
> I waded along the edge of a lake.
>
> I pushed my way through brambles.
>
> I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
>
> I avoided standing on a snake.
>
> I climbed several rocky hills.
>
> I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left
> me shattered.
>
> At the end of it all I drank eight beers."
>
> Inspired by the story the doctor said, "You sure are one hell of an outdoor
> man!"
>
> "No doctor," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer."
>
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."
An elderly man is standing in the kitchen about to put his jacket on. "Darling"' says his wife, "If you dare come home drunk tonight, I will leave you, this is your absolute last chance!"
The man assures his wife that he will just "have the one ale" and assured her that he would be home before late.
However, the man proceeds to drink excessively late into the night when he then throws up over his front, soaking his jacket, shirt and trousers with vomit.
"My God, I have really done it, my wife really is going to leave me, I am ruined" he sobs to his friend, "what am I going to do?"
"Do Yiu have a crisp twenty pound note? ", "good, tell your wife that a drunk man threw up all over you, was very apologetic and offered to pay for the dry cleaning of your garments"
Relieved with this plan, the drunk man heads home to his wife, who is awake when he returns.
"Right, that's it, I AM LEAVING YOU!" She screams.
The man proceeds to explain how a drunk man threw up on him and the pub and shows the wife the crisp twenty pound note in his top pocket.
"Darling, why do you have two crisp twenty pound notes in your top pocket?"
"That was from the man who shat in my pants"
Here's the 3rd question:
Who was the great train robber? Was it:
a) RONNIE Biggs?
b) RONNIE Barker?
c) RONNIE Parker?
d) RONNIE Wood?
Paddy says, "Well Chris, I've had a lovely time & I'm going to take the £200."
Chris says, "Are you fucking stupid? you have all your life lines left!"
Paddy says, "I might be stupid but I'm not a fucking grass!"
I think they misunderstood.
She really wanted a daughter.
"Thanks" he said.
'Don't mention it.'
In the mainstream.
Gets jalapeño business.
Ouch.