A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."
The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
> A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the > door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, > standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. > > "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams > the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. > > "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. > "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning > and it is pouring rain out there!" > > "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about > three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think > you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk > people too. > > The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding > rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" > "Yes," comes back the answer. > "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes > the reply from the dark. > "Where are you?" asks the husband. > > > "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk. >
The other night Sheila was invited out for a night with the “girls.” She told her husband that She would be home by midnight, “I promise!” She said. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, She headed for home. Just as She got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising her husband would probably wake up, Sheila cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, Sheila told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, She got away with that one! She thought to herself. Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When She asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It's unopened, but as I'm well over the customs limits I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not be dishonest or lie to them."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they go through Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
He answered, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer rather strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down?"
The priest replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which to date, is unused."
A Spoonerism joke: Reverend Spooner and his friend arrange to meet in a southeast London pub. On the day of the meeting, Spooner makes his way to the town and walks up and down, round and about, asking here and there, but he cannot find the pub anywhere. On meeting his friend some weeks later, Spooner apologises profusely, saying ' I spent three hours pacing about in Greenwich, and not a soul had heard of The Dull Man'.
Rev. Spooner was looking for The Dull Man in Greenwich (which didn't exist). His friend was in The Green Man....in Dulwich. (Look up William Archibald Spooner for more info).
It's probably the looking it up part that spoils the joke
Rev. Spooner was looking for The Dull Man in Greenwich (which didn't exist). His friend was in The Green Man....in Dulwich. (Look up William Archibald Spooner for more info).
Thought spoonerism was just the first consonant/collection of consonants, eg 'Roonerisms spule ok'
Even with your definition, the joke still doesnt make sense. Sorry.
A Spoonerism joke: Reverend Spooner and his friend arrange to meet in a southeast London pub. On the day of the meeting, Spooner makes his way to the town and walks up and down, round and about, asking here and there, but he cannot find the pub anywhere. On meeting his friend some weeks later, Spooner apologises profusely, saying ' I spent three hours pacing about in Greenwich, and not a soul had heard of The Dull Man'.
Witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach at Skegness today. A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them, the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted 'Thats the way to do it'!!
Witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach at Skegness today. A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them, the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted 'Thats the way to do it'!!
You could easily do a CAFC pastiche of Punch & Judy in the family fun area of the car park: Off the top of my head. The Baby as CAFC, KM = Judy, Punch = Roland, The Policeman = @PragueAddick , The crocodile = Delaware North Catering and just convert the sausages into 14 chips. And, of course, Joey The Clown = whatever interim manager we happened to have that day. With another character shouting "That's Not the way to do it"! from the corner of Floyd Road/Ransom walk.
Witnessed totally disgusting behaviour on the beach at Skegness today. A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them, the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it. Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted 'Thats the way to do it'!!
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The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."
The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.
Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
> A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
> door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
> standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>
> "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams
> the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.
>
> "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
> "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning
> and it is pouring rain out there!"
>
> "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about
> three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think
> you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk
> people too.
>
> The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
> rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
> "Yes," comes back the answer.
> "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes
> the reply from the dark.
> "Where are you?" asks the husband.
>
>
> "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
>
He said it is better than walking the streets.
Quickly, realising her husband would probably wake up, Sheila cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, Sheila told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, She got away with that one! She thought to herself. Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When She asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It's unopened, but as I'm well over the customs limits I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not be dishonest or lie to them."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they go through Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
He answered, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer rather strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down?"
The priest replied, "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which to date, is unused."
With a laugh the official waved him through.
Even with your definition, the joke still doesnt make sense. Sorry.
Who's there ?
Doorbell repairman.
So these two fronts walk into an isobar....
Holding a woman's hand before marriage is love. After marriage it is self defence.
This morning, I had a massive vowel movement.
Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages as the man shouted 'Thats the way to do it'!!
Off the top of my head. The Baby as CAFC, KM = Judy, Punch = Roland, The Policeman = @PragueAddick ,
The crocodile = Delaware North Catering and just convert the sausages into 14 chips.
And, of course, Joey The Clown = whatever interim manager we happened to have that day.
With another character shouting "That's Not the way to do it"! from the corner of Floyd Road/Ransom walk.