Attention: Please take a moment to consider our terms and conditions before posting.

The Wisdom of Tommy Cooper

edited March 2007 in Fun, Jokes & Captions
> Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
> The Ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

> Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

> "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
> "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
> "Is it common? "
> "It's not unusual."

> A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
> "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
> "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
> So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
> Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
> "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
> "No, because he's really heavy"

> "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
> "Well you can't say fairer than that then"

> Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

> So I went to the dentist.
> He said "Say Aaah."
> I said "Why?"
> He said "My dog's died.'"

> "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
> 'Who's speaking please?'
> And a voice said 'You are.'"

> So I rang up my local swimming baths.
> I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

> "So I rang up a local building firm,
> I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
> He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

> Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,
> so it must be one of them.
> It's either my mum or my dad.
> Or my older brother Colin.
> Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
> But I think it's Colin.

> So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
> said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
> And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted
> again.' And I swerved again.
> He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
> And I went into a tree.
> And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
> And I said 'I careered off the road.

> Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
> The one I was in went back and forwards.
> I thought 'This is unusual'.
> And the dentist said to me
> Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

> So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
> I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

> Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
> "Does this taste funny to you?"

> Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks.
> They charged one and let the other one off.

> "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
> So that was nice."

> A man walked into the doctors,
> The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
> The man replied "I know I've been ill"
> A man walked into the doctors,
> he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
> The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

> I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
> He wasn't very happy.

> I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

> I bought some HP sauce the other day.
> It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

> Two blondes walk into a'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

> Phone answering machine message -
> "...If you want to buy the hash key..."

> I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
> He said, "No, the stakes are too high."

> My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
> He was pulled under by a strong currant.

> A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
> He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
> The doctor replied, "I know, I've had to cut your arms off".

> I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel .

> Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
> They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
> that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

> Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
> Police say that he topped himself.

> Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
> The other one says "So are you, you fat slob!"

> Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
> two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
> Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
> expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night....


  • I think you may find that these are actually Tim Vine's jokes.
  • Tommy Cooper is by far the greatest comedian of all time imo!

    >i went to the dentist yesterday and he said 'your teeth are fine but your gums have got to come out'!
  • so good. Does anyone tell jokes about cannibals and going to the doctor anymore?
  • Absolute legend !
    You can picture him as your reading the jokes .
  • Thank you

    You have no idea how much that has cheered me up

  • [cite]Posted By: kigelia[/cite]I think you may find that these are actually Tim Vine's jokes.
  • My fav is:

    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
    He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know, I've had to cut your arms off".

    Absolutely brilliant!!
Sign In or Register to comment.

Roland Out Forever!