A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with some of the other old fellows.
So I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are over 75 and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
“Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called an ambulance. when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to Pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. Then there's the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
40ish = 49 Adventurous = Slept with everyone Athletic = No tits Average looking = Ugly Beautiful = Pathological liar Emotionally secure = On medication Feminist = Fat Fun = Annoying New Age = Body hair in the wrong places Open minded = Desperate Outgoing = Loud and embarrassing Passionate = Sloppy drunk Professional = Bitch Voluptuous = Very fat Wants soul mate = Stalker
Women's English
Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I am sorry = You'll be sorry We need to talk = You're in trouble Sure, go ahead = You better not Do what you want = You'll pay for this later I am not upset = Of course I'm upset You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Men's English
I am hungry = I am hungry I am sleepy = I am sleepy I am tired = I am tired Nice dress = Nice cleavage I love you = Let's have sex now I am bored = Do you want to have sex? May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
40ish = 49 Adventurous = Slept with everyone Athletic = No tits Average looking = Ugly Beautiful = Pathological liar Emotionally secure = On medication Feminist = Fat Fun = Annoying New Age = Body hair in the wrong places Open minded = Desperate Outgoing = Loud and embarrassing Passionate = Sloppy drunk Professional = Bitch Voluptuous = Very fat Wants soul mate = Stalker
Women's English
Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I am sorry = You'll be sorry We need to talk = You're in trouble Sure, go ahead = You better not Do what you want = You'll pay for this later I am not upset = Of course I'm upset You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Men's English
I am hungry = I am hungry I am sleepy = I am sleepy I am tired = I am tired Nice dress = Nice cleavage I love you = Let's have sex now I am bored = Do you want to have sex? May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
I'd add the following to the Women's ads:
Curvy - Fat cow Likes eating out - Greedy fat cow Likes nights in - Lazy fat cow New age - Hairy with a smelly fanny Seeks knight in shining armour - Ex husband is a fu****g nutter Lovely eyes - Face like a robbers dog
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by a hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger...
"In honour of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days. "Before we kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?' The Lone Ranger said, "I'd like to speak to my horse Silver."
The Chief nodded “yes” and Silver was brought Before the Lone Ranger who whispered in Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, The blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse,"
But we will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak To his horse. Silver came to him, And he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared Over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned, this time with a voluptuous brunette, Even more attractive than the blonde
She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief Said: "You are indeed a man of many talents, "but we will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed, and Silver was brought to The Lone Ranger's tent. Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears, looked him square in the eye and said,
Comments
Another medical breakthrough...........
A couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing
an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion
of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much
in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining
that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The
husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's
blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued
to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably,
the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the
husband continued to experience no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.
He must've been a sundae driver.
"Why did you write that, son?"
"Because that's the password for the computer"
"No it isn't" i said perplexed
"Yes it is. Look on the screen,... It says it - 'the password is incorrect'
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with some of the other old fellows.
So I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are over 75 and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
“Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
We found a match in Argentina
The operation was a success
Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.
He one second prize for his dried arrangement.
Police have released a statement saying-
'There is a small medium at large'.
A ninety year-old woman decided to streak through the lounge at an old people's home.
Two old boys sitting in the lounge watched the event.
One said to the other "Was that Joan?" His companion replied "I believe so." His bemused friend enquired "But what was she wearing?"
The reply was "I don't know. Whatever it was, it certainly needed ironing."
First time I heard that one, it was a tuesday and it rained.
Have you heard about the woman taking a bath and the blind man turns up??
The store clerks called an ambulance. when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to Pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. Then there's the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.
May 14th 1977.
First time I heard that one, it was a tuesday and it rained.
Have you heard about the woman taking a bath and the blind man turns up??
No, I haven't heard that one, was he Roman?
Venetian I believe.
40ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very fat
Wants soul mate = Stalker
Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I am sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead = You better not
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course I'm upset
You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Men's English
I am hungry = I am hungry
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
I am tired = I am tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
I love you = Let's have sex now
I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
Curvy - Fat cow
Likes eating out - Greedy fat cow
Likes nights in - Lazy fat cow
New age - Hairy with a smelly fanny
Seeks knight in shining armour - Ex husband is a fu****g nutter
Lovely eyes - Face like a robbers dog
by a hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger...
"In honour of the Buffalo Hunt, YOU will be sacrificed in three days.
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger said,
"I'd like to speak to my horse Silver."
The Chief nodded “yes” and Silver was brought
Before the Lone Ranger who whispered in
Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched, The blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admitted that he was impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse,"
But we will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak To his horse.
Silver came to him, And he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared Over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returned,
this time with a voluptuous brunette, Even more attractive than the blonde
She entered the Lone Ranger's tent and spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
Said: "You are indeed a man of many talents,
"but we will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded,
"I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed,
and Silver was brought to The Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they were alone, The Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
looked him square in the eye and said,
"Listen Very Carefully!
FOR...THE...LAST..TIME...
"BRING POSSE!"
So, to all in tents and porpoises, it's free!
The boss asked me, "So, what makes you suitable for this job?"
"Well," I replied, "I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!"