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In-laws issues

Dazzler21
Dazzler21 Posts: 51,344
edited October 2017 in Not Sports Related
Right so it seems apparently over recent months (8 or so) since my child was born into this world I've obviously become an arsehole...

Or I just don't agree with the MIL's way of doing many things around the upbringing of my child... Or just about anything she says or does tbh.

The Mrs seems to think it started long ago, but she's really had a bee in her bonnett since Rosa arrived.

I won't deny I have largely been miserable due to a change of work that I had to take to afford to move into the Mrs 'forever home' and I accept that needs to change so am trying to find something better suited to my skills (BA Role that is for a BA and not a Test Analyst would be a start!). I have one interview next Monday so will bust out the best acting I can!

but apparently I am at my worst in terms of negativity when the MIL is about?!
Could it be I resent her for being able to grandparent my child when my own mother couldn't?!

Could it be something far easier to manage as now I seem to be in a really fucked position where my partner is asking her self whether she can put up with me being A miserable or B, being unkind to her mum anymore.

I can see clearly when I am reflecting on these situations (during a heated discussion often) if it were someone else and not me I'd be calling them all kinds of things. However as it's occurring I don't even notice. How do you change something you're unaware of at the time?

Genuinely in a head fucked moment so apologies for the profanities but I don't know what to do.
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Comments

  • Riviera
    Riviera Posts: 8,167
    Sounds grim. Sorry cannot help, I have the best MIL in the world.
  • LenGlover
    LenGlover Posts: 31,651
    Sounds a tough situation. I got on well with my mother in law most of the time although she sadly passed away when the girls were quite young. The youngest was only six.

    I don't know how often your mother in law is around but mine used to come and stay for weeks at a time and basically I'd pretty much leave her to it when she was around. The girls were happy having her there and she was happy getting involved.

    My wife and I disagree and disagreed over many things in our marriage but we were pretty much completely united over how to bring the girls up so I knew that if the mother in law went too far off piste, so to speak, she (my wife) would pull her up anyway without the need for any intervention from me.

    Any 'in law' friction we had was between my wife and my mother and that tended to be over me and what I should or shouldn't be doing rather than the children.

    My advice, for what it is worth, is to chat to your wife honestly about what it is about her mother that is winding you up if you can get into a position where you can understand and articulate it.

    As parents you and your wife need to agree on fundamental principles for how you want to bring up your daughter and if the mother in law undermines those then your wife needs to address it with her mother if the breaches are serious enough.

    You will get through it as you are fully committed to your family. Just as in football commitment takes you a long way in successfully coping with and bringing up a family.
  • kings hill addick
    kings hill addick Posts: 5,781
    edited October 2017
    Both parents can suffer from what is called post natal depression in women.

    The sudden change in feelings, lack of sleep, and increase in exposure to in-laws increase tensions.

    The only advise I would offer (on the basis that I don’t know much about your circumstances) is to try not to make any significant decisions about your future until things settle down.

    Talk to your Mrs and reassure her that you love her and your new child and try to avoid being agitated by her mother. Be nice to her (the MIL) even when you feel like you want to march her out the front door and shut it behind her.

    She will have much more experience than you and even if she is totally wrong, there is little harm she can do if you, for the time being, let her have her way. Be excessively nice, apologise for anything you might have done, even if you don’t know what that is. There’s a quote in a sit com that springs to mind. “You’re right, I’m wrong, I’m sorry!”

    Most importantly though, just remember that it does get easier. Becoming a parent can be the easiest thing in the world but for many it is a shock that takes time to adjust to. The euphoria of the birth soon evaporates and the lack of sleep and the heightened anxiety that comes with it just needs time to adjust to.

    Good luck!
  • aliwibble
    aliwibble Posts: 26,276
    In what way are you being an arsehole? Is it your usual personality but magnified to unpleasant levels, or a bunch of new behaviours that have suddenly appeared due to stress and/or sleep deprivation?

    Personally, I'd strongly recommend going for some counselling, initially as an individual and then as a couple. First off, you get to vent about what pisses you off about whatever your MIL is doing to a neutral third party, who isn't going to take it personally cos they're related or automatically be on your side cos they're your mate. That way you can get some perspective about whether it's rooted in resentment that she's not your Mum, or you feel like she's getting between you and your partner, or you're losing it over minor differences in approach to parenting/household management issues because your work stress is leaking out all over the place, or you're freaking out over the responsibility of being a new Dad. Or something else entirely.

    Then once you've got some handle of what's going on in your head, then you can start having sessions together to sort out how to get the two of you relating to each other properly again, and agree a joint approach to the parenting and domestic stuff. If MIL sticks her oar in you can say "I know you're only trying to help, but we've agreed between the two of us we're going to do things this way", and if you know your Mrs has your back then it's easier to be a bit more chilled out if MIL does something that gets up your nose.
  • Huskaris
    Huskaris Posts: 9,845
    Bit hard to comment without hearing some examples as to whether it's her or you.

    A lot like with the children though, couples need an agreed united front against parents (depending on the parents)
  • nth_london_addick
    nth_london_addick Posts: 35,919
    Sounds like you and the mrs need joint counseling,

    This way she can see your serious about fixing up

    Tbh there’s never a good time to be rude and abrasive to someone’s mother ( unless that persons relationship with them has well and truly broken down and your stepping in to support your partner ) so you need sort this out quick

    Imagine someone else bringing up your kid that should motivate you to act quick

    You clearly recognise this is your own doing so atleast you can take control of your actions now
  • Dazzler21
    Dazzler21 Posts: 51,344
    I wouldn't say I'm sleep deprived but stress levels are through the roof at the moment.

    I don't think I'm different with the MIL than I am with others, however I do recognise that my fuse is short right now though and that I need to change first!

    Will certainly take some of the things said here into consideration.
  • Chris_from_Sidcup
    Chris_from_Sidcup Posts: 36,007
    " I just don't agree with the MIL's way of doing many things around the upbringing of my child... Or just about anything she says or does tbh"

    Can you share any examples which might help us to determine if it's her being annoying or you being unreasonable.
  • Henry Irving
    Henry Irving Posts: 85,219
    Counseling as @nth london addick and @aliwibble say is needed not CL
  • Baldybonce
    Baldybonce Posts: 9,640
    Henry Irving said:

    Counseling as @nth london addick and @aliwibble say is needed not CL

    I disagree about not CL. Counseling might be 1 hour a week or month but there's always someone on here who's got something to say.
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  • Baldybonce
    Baldybonce Posts: 9,640
    I'd buy the Mrs and the MiL a big bunch of flowers each, say sorry I'm very stressed at the moment. Can you please be patient with me.
  • Addickted
    Addickted Posts: 19,456
    Agreed.

    Acknowledge to them both that you are aware how stressed you've been recently and it's not the normal you. Ask them for patience, understanding and support over this period and I'm sure you'll all get through it.
  • Dazzler21
    Dazzler21 Posts: 51,344
    Baldybonce said:

    I'd buy the Mrs and the MiL a big bunch of flowers each, say sorry I'm very stressed at the moment. Can you please be patient with me.

    Addickted said:

    Agreed.

    Acknowledge to them both that you are aware how stressed you've been recently and it's not the normal you. Ask them for patience, understanding and support over this period and I'm sure you'll all get through it.

    Cheers guys will definitely be giving this a go.
  • Six-a-bag-of-nuts
    Six-a-bag-of-nuts Posts: 8,127
    Baldybonce said:

    I'd buy the Mrs and the MiL a big bunch of flowers each, say sorry I'm very stressed at the moment. Can you please be patient with me.

    What, and concede that he is to blame?
    Fatal error, that will be taken down and used in evidence :wink:

    Seriously though, I would just say try to be conciliatory and tolerant as much as you can.
    The last thing you want to do is create a permanent wedge between you and MIL.
    You will need her, your child will need her and at the end of the day it is your wife's mother.
    Speak to your wife, air your grievances, but be prepared to listen and consider if you need to change or admit you are wrong.
    Try to conciously stand back and rise above it.
  • ForeverAddickted
    ForeverAddickted Posts: 94,302
    edited October 2017
    Dazzler21 said:

    Baldybonce said:

    I'd buy the Mrs and the MiL a big bunch of flowers each, say sorry I'm very stressed at the moment. Can you please be patient with me.

    Addickted said:

    Agreed.

    Acknowledge to them both that you are aware how stressed you've been recently and it's not the normal you. Ask them for patience, understanding and support over this period and I'm sure you'll all get through it.

    Cheers guys will definitely be giving this a go.
    Just remember for your Wife you'll want to get a nice bunch from a florist. For the MIL Im sure those half dead looking ones when you go to get petrol will be appreciated ;)

    On a serious note... Good luck mate, I had conflicts with my MIL at the beginning which resulted in a few rows between us so know how you must feel, now though there is utmost respect and we get on brilliantly so dont give up hope
  • newyorkaddick
    newyorkaddick Posts: 3,052
    Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

    A: Seeing your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your brand new car.
  • Robbo on the wing
    Robbo on the wing Posts: 4,135
    You could start by posting a photo of her.
    That would allow us to give a more concise answer to your dilemma.
  • SantaClaus
    SantaClaus Posts: 7,651
    edited October 2017
    Reading between the lines it seems that you're in love with your mother in law. You should sit your wife and mother in law down and tell them both how you feel about them and how you'd like each relationship to develop in the future. Honesty is always the best policy and I'm sure that you opening up will lift a huge weight off your shoulders. Good luck.
  • ken_shabby
    ken_shabby Posts: 6,255
    Genuinely sympathise as I've been through all of that, and the only reason it has calmed is that relations between myself amd my MIL are zero. She snatched my new born daughter out of my arms within five minutes of getting back from hospital, and despite my wife telling her that wouldn't be aceptable, she continued to act as if the decisions regarding my children (food, clothes, education, religión) would be taken by her, and any divergence was et with sulking.
    I would certainly recommend trying to explain to your wife (without the MIL being there) that you love her and your daughter, and this is a new phase for both of you and there needs to be a bit of understanding, and that both of you have a role to play, and a valid point of view. I would also suggest you mention as smoothly as posible that as this is your first crack at parrenthood, while the occasional help is welcome, you don't really want to find youreslf having to justify things to a third arty (the MIL). However, that is a dodgy bit. To be honest, my experience is that you do need to draw a bit of a line here as your feelings are valid and deserve recognition, but my experience is also that a wife will probably have an extremely limited tolerance for any criticsm of her mother, however justified.
    We don't really have the counselling here in Spain, which is a pity as I've come close to asking for it on dozens of occasions, but depending how things play out, it would be better to try and talk things out together first.

    By the way, don't tell her you asked us on here first :-)
  • se9addick
    se9addick Posts: 32,034
    edited October 2017
    Not an expert but it sounds like your frustration at work and probably the pressure (and lack of sleep!) of being a new Dad is manifesting itself in this behaviour. Maybe you could do worse than talk to someone and learn some coping methods and to try and rein it in a bit ?

    Or you mother in law is just a complete cow and there's nothing wrong with your behaviour!
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  • hoof_it_up_to_benty
    hoof_it_up_to_benty Posts: 22,441
    Important that in-laws respect boundaries and don't keep offering unwanted advice. Getting the right balance is hard to achieve and ultimately relies on good communication.

    If everyone has the best interests of your child at heart then that's the most important thing and hopefully enough common ground can be agreed upon.

  • ShootersHillGuru
    ShootersHillGuru Posts: 50,619
    All I can comment is good luck and I hope it all works out.
  • RodneyCharltonTrotta
    RodneyCharltonTrotta Posts: 14,827
    It is a very stressful, completely head- fucking time when a child comes into your life and can put a huge strain on you and your relationship with the missus and generally everyone.

    Try and keep perspective and stay rational. Don''t do or say anything rash that may seem right at the time but in retrospect you may regret.

    Everyone talks about how wonderful it is having children and of course it is, it is the most amazing thing that can happen to a person. However, very few blokes particularly talk about how difficult it can be particularly in the early days with sleep deprivation etc.

    Hang in there mate.
  • Oggy Red
    Oggy Red Posts: 44,954
    edited October 2017
    I know the MiL is your wife's mum, but you and your missus need a united front on this one.

    And better to first take a deep breath and speak quietly and firmly to MiL, rather than aggressively.
    Keep your dignity.

    You never know when you might need her to baby-sit.

    ;o)


  • cafcdave123
    cafcdave123 Posts: 11,491
    sounds like you fancy her
  • Elthamaddick
    Elthamaddick Posts: 15,810
    kids are exhausting, I'm lucky that our older 3 (10, 7 and 2) all sleep brilliantly and now we just have the boy who's nearly 9 months old to get through. The first year is incredibly tough no matter how many kids you have, I'm lucky that my wife is superb and we have a great family support network around us.

    We see a lot of my MIL but she's great and whilst is 'there' quite a lot, she never 'interferes' too much.

    We had our first date night this year last Saturday and the MIL babysat (only really had to deal with the baby who wakes 2/3 times still in the night) and we weren't late home.

    Try having a night out with the missus, me and the wife get on amazingly but it's still pretty stressful with a house full of kids and not too much time to ourselves. Was great to just have a meal and drink and chat about stuff we don't normally find time to.

    Best of luck
  • Dazzler21
    Dazzler21 Posts: 51,344
    Cheers for the comments all.

    Well most of the comments. :lol:
  • MrOneLung
    MrOneLung Posts: 26,846
    Riviera said:

    Sounds grim. Sorry cannot help, I have the best MIL in the world.

    Someones wife has got their charltonlife password !!!
  • Fiiish
    Fiiish Posts: 7,998
    edited October 2017
    Trying to take on both your MIL and wife is like taking on a boxer whilst your cornerman is punching you in the back of your head.
  • Oh_Yoni_Boy
    Oh_Yoni_Boy Posts: 1,762
    edited October 2017
    All I can say is try to communicate with your Mrs. about it as much as possible, do the difficult thing and ditch any blokey resistance to talking about feelings, be honest and tell her what's bothering you... work, money, MIL's actions etc.

    I'd avoid theorising about why too much, could be worth talking to someone professional about the resentment issue you mentioned if it's eating you up a bit. There's a (wildly wrong) stigma in the UK about seeing a counselor/psychiatrist... best money you'll spend if you're having a tough time, and an incredibly healthy thing to talk to someone properly neutral about some things.

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