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In-laws issues

edited October 2017 in Not Sports Related
Right so it seems apparently over recent months (8 or so) since my child was born into this world I've obviously become an arsehole...

Or I just don't agree with the MIL's way of doing many things around the upbringing of my child... Or just about anything she says or does tbh.

The Mrs seems to think it started long ago, but she's really had a bee in her bonnett since Rosa arrived.

I won't deny I have largely been miserable due to a change of work that I had to take to afford to move into the Mrs 'forever home' and I accept that needs to change so am trying to find something better suited to my skills (BA Role that is for a BA and not a Test Analyst would be a start!). I have one interview next Monday so will bust out the best acting I can!

but apparently I am at my worst in terms of negativity when the MIL is about?!
Could it be I resent her for being able to grandparent my child when my own mother couldn't?!

Could it be something far easier to manage as now I seem to be in a really fucked position where my partner is asking her self whether she can put up with me being A miserable or B, being unkind to her mum anymore.

I can see clearly when I am reflecting on these situations (during a heated discussion often) if it were someone else and not me I'd be calling them all kinds of things. However as it's occurring I don't even notice. How do you change something you're unaware of at the time?

Genuinely in a head fucked moment so apologies for the profanities but I don't know what to do.
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Comments

  • Sounds grim. Sorry cannot help, I have the best MIL in the world.
  • Bit hard to comment without hearing some examples as to whether it's her or you.

    A lot like with the children though, couples need an agreed united front against parents (depending on the parents)
  • I wouldn't say I'm sleep deprived but stress levels are through the roof at the moment.

    I don't think I'm different with the MIL than I am with others, however I do recognise that my fuse is short right now though and that I need to change first!

    Will certainly take some of the things said here into consideration.
  • " I just don't agree with the MIL's way of doing many things around the upbringing of my child... Or just about anything she says or does tbh"

    Can you share any examples which might help us to determine if it's her being annoying or you being unreasonable.
  • Counseling as @nth london addick and @aliwibble say is needed not CL
  • Counseling as @nth london addick and @aliwibble say is needed not CL

    I disagree about not CL. Counseling might be 1 hour a week or month but there's always someone on here who's got something to say.
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  • Agreed.

    Acknowledge to them both that you are aware how stressed you've been recently and it's not the normal you. Ask them for patience, understanding and support over this period and I'm sure you'll all get through it.
  • I'd buy the Mrs and the MiL a big bunch of flowers each, say sorry I'm very stressed at the moment. Can you please be patient with me.

    Addickted said:

    Agreed.

    Acknowledge to them both that you are aware how stressed you've been recently and it's not the normal you. Ask them for patience, understanding and support over this period and I'm sure you'll all get through it.

    Cheers guys will definitely be giving this a go.
  • I'd buy the Mrs and the MiL a big bunch of flowers each, say sorry I'm very stressed at the moment. Can you please be patient with me.

    What, and concede that he is to blame?
    Fatal error, that will be taken down and used in evidence :wink:

    Seriously though, I would just say try to be conciliatory and tolerant as much as you can.
    The last thing you want to do is create a permanent wedge between you and MIL.
    You will need her, your child will need her and at the end of the day it is your wife's mother.
    Speak to your wife, air your grievances, but be prepared to listen and consider if you need to change or admit you are wrong.
    Try to conciously stand back and rise above it.
  • edited October 2017
    Dazzler21 said:

    I'd buy the Mrs and the MiL a big bunch of flowers each, say sorry I'm very stressed at the moment. Can you please be patient with me.

    Addickted said:

    Agreed.

    Acknowledge to them both that you are aware how stressed you've been recently and it's not the normal you. Ask them for patience, understanding and support over this period and I'm sure you'll all get through it.

    Cheers guys will definitely be giving this a go.
    Just remember for your Wife you'll want to get a nice bunch from a florist. For the MIL Im sure those half dead looking ones when you go to get petrol will be appreciated ;)

    On a serious note... Good luck mate, I had conflicts with my MIL at the beginning which resulted in a few rows between us so know how you must feel, now though there is utmost respect and we get on brilliantly so dont give up hope
  • Genuinely sympathise as I've been through all of that, and the only reason it has calmed is that relations between myself amd my MIL are zero. She snatched my new born daughter out of my arms within five minutes of getting back from hospital, and despite my wife telling her that wouldn't be aceptable, she continued to act as if the decisions regarding my children (food, clothes, education, religión) would be taken by her, and any divergence was et with sulking.
    I would certainly recommend trying to explain to your wife (without the MIL being there) that you love her and your daughter, and this is a new phase for both of you and there needs to be a bit of understanding, and that both of you have a role to play, and a valid point of view. I would also suggest you mention as smoothly as posible that as this is your first crack at parrenthood, while the occasional help is welcome, you don't really want to find youreslf having to justify things to a third arty (the MIL). However, that is a dodgy bit. To be honest, my experience is that you do need to draw a bit of a line here as your feelings are valid and deserve recognition, but my experience is also that a wife will probably have an extremely limited tolerance for any criticsm of her mother, however justified.
    We don't really have the counselling here in Spain, which is a pity as I've come close to asking for it on dozens of occasions, but depending how things play out, it would be better to try and talk things out together first.

    By the way, don't tell her you asked us on here first :-)
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  • All I can comment is good luck and I hope it all works out.
  • It is a very stressful, completely head- fucking time when a child comes into your life and can put a huge strain on you and your relationship with the missus and generally everyone.

    Try and keep perspective and stay rational. Don''t do or say anything rash that may seem right at the time but in retrospect you may regret.

    Everyone talks about how wonderful it is having children and of course it is, it is the most amazing thing that can happen to a person. However, very few blokes particularly talk about how difficult it can be particularly in the early days with sleep deprivation etc.

    Hang in there mate.
  • edited October 2017
    I know the MiL is your wife's mum, but you and your missus need a united front on this one.

    And better to first take a deep breath and speak quietly and firmly to MiL, rather than aggressively.
    Keep your dignity.

    You never know when you might need her to baby-sit.

    ;o)


  • kids are exhausting, I'm lucky that our older 3 (10, 7 and 2) all sleep brilliantly and now we just have the boy who's nearly 9 months old to get through. The first year is incredibly tough no matter how many kids you have, I'm lucky that my wife is superb and we have a great family support network around us.

    We see a lot of my MIL but she's great and whilst is 'there' quite a lot, she never 'interferes' too much.

    We had our first date night this year last Saturday and the MIL babysat (only really had to deal with the baby who wakes 2/3 times still in the night) and we weren't late home.

    Try having a night out with the missus, me and the wife get on amazingly but it's still pretty stressful with a house full of kids and not too much time to ourselves. Was great to just have a meal and drink and chat about stuff we don't normally find time to.

    Best of luck
  • Cheers for the comments all.

    Well most of the comments. :lol:
  • edited October 2017
    All I can say is try to communicate with your Mrs. about it as much as possible, do the difficult thing and ditch any blokey resistance to talking about feelings, be honest and tell her what's bothering you... work, money, MIL's actions etc.

    I'd avoid theorising about why too much, could be worth talking to someone professional about the resentment issue you mentioned if it's eating you up a bit. There's a (wildly wrong) stigma in the UK about seeing a counselor/psychiatrist... best money you'll spend if you're having a tough time, and an incredibly healthy thing to talk to someone properly neutral about some things.
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