I've just unintentionally terrified everyone on my train carriage.
I googled a quote my mate sent me ("Why us sarge"?) in a message in reference to our anticlimax cup draw and it was from the film Zulu.
So I clicked on the following video link which came up to watch the scene.
Except unknowingly i hadn't connected my Bluetooth headphones so at a really loud volume it went "You're all going to die!!!"
Panicked and rapidly turned it off so they didn't even get context of following dialogue. Just "You're all going to die!!!" blaring out from me.
https://youtu.be/HUq8gXhI0y8Normally can't watch a YouTube video without effing adverts but oh no let's not bother this time and stitch this muppet up on his commute.
Few nervous looks and now an atmosphere in my carriage for rest of my one plus hour journey. Ffs.
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We met a lady we knew and stood there chatting with her, all of a sudden I looked down and saw the dog taking an almighty diarrhoea shite right in the middle of the walk way! Blind panic in how I was going to deal with it, not helped with some bloke walking past shouting 'good luck picking that up mate'!
The lady walked away holding her nose whilst I had to stand over this pile of shite with loads of people trying to get past, whilst my wife frantically looked around for something to clear it all up!
Total embarrassment!
He springs up on his seat facing the people behind. No problem, kids do it all the time.
Then he stretches out his arm to point at the person immediately behind and asks in a very loud voice "why is she so fat".
I look at my wife, she pretends not to have heard anything. I turn around hoping for a skinny man and we can all laugh. Instead I find a large lady, looking upset, trying to pretend it doesn't matter.
After apologizing profusely we stayed on the plane until everyone had got off to avoid seeing her again. We then saw her 4 times as we walked through the airport.
On the way home, he asked the Duncan Goodhew lookalike behind why he had no hair, if he had any hair anywhere else on his body, if he had a brother and whether he had any hair. We didn't fly again for 4 years and holidayed in northern Europe so we could drive instead.
Jesus Christ - after the afternoon I have had, this thread was the first thing to come to mind. Along with wondering if I will ever regain control of my sphincter.
Walking to a meeting with a colleague this afternoon and all seemed fine and well with the world. That’s until I walked round the corner onto the road where the clients office is and my stomach cramped, the tell tale bubbles moving in a downward direction, and the rapid realisation that I was in dire need of the biggest evacuation since the Titanic hit that berg.
My colleague looked at me in consternation as I bent over double; I am relatively new in the company so haven’t yet reached the poo comfort zone. As such I made up the most bollox excuse ever - stating I had just come over a bit faint.
As he came over in concern and suggested I sit down for a while, he then looked even more confused as I slapped him out the way before sprinting at breakneck speed back towards the sanctuary of the bogs at Kings Cross station 5 mins walk back. At this point I had a build up of liquid shit so extreme, I had enough thrust stored up to make me the first man on mars this side of Christmas.
So I legged it and haven’t spoken to him since.
Of course the last thing on my mind was getting my 30p ready, so when I came storming in hot to the gents and the old lady at the gate asked for my 30p - I fucked that request right off by barrel rolling over the top of the gates (accidentally kicking off a kids glasses from his head as he was coming back through he other way).
I am pretty sure it was at that moment that the first dribble came out but thank fuck there was a spare cubicle.
I charged in to it with my belt buckle already coming undone - and the faint awareness that the kids father was coming after me questioning why I had almost taken his son out by going all Andy McNab on my way in.
Think they were soon left in no doubt as to my predicament as I flew onto the khazi and launched an eruption that would have resembled Vesuvius had Willy Wonka turned it into an extension of his wonderful chocolate factory.
And as if it couldn’t get any worse, the door hadn’t locked in my rush. As I sat sweating and convulsed over the bog- the door swung slowly outward (it was the disabled cubicle) to reveal a pissed dad, son with glasses cracked, tutting cleaner.
Oh and a guy in a wheelchair asking if I would be long.
Just the time for my poorly arse to squelch a secondary shitty fart into the pan.
I had a bit of upset stomach in the morning and when coming round in the dentist chair I announced to everyone 'well I didn't shit myself' and then when my dad was paying for the procedure, I was crouching behind the reception desk and jumping up and saying 'boo' to people who were coming into the reception area.
I was 29....
A family of 4 were sat on the table next to us, and had ordered food, which duly arrived - they were saying how lovely Scooby was just before their food arrived, and their 2 young kids were patting him etc - they start to eat their food, at which point Scooby stood up, cocked his leg against their patio table, and deposited what I can only describe as the dog piss equivalent of the European Wine Lake all over the leg of their table, and of course under it - he must have pissed for well over a minute
We didn’t finish our pints and left after apologising profusely
Scooby looked mighty pleased with himself 😃
Both me and the missus are in pain with laughter by the way...
They joked about it the rest of the day.
But that was fine... I had the essay all along but took a calculated risk on the embarrassment front... Real reason I had to go home is because I'd shit myself
My friend had met a stunning looking girl, and was taking things slow and casual with the aim of
bedding the girl and putting on a bravo performance.
They met for a third date and decided to go for a curry. A few drinks before the meal had been imbibed and things were looking good. The girl was definatley interested and when she told my friend
she was wearing stockings he nearly blew his top then and there. with they curry eaten and cab ordered they decided to go to the young ladies flat.
By this time both participants were equally excited and couuld not wait to arrive a her flat.
They got caught a some in traffic due to the Blackwall tunnel being shut, however this only added to the anticipation of the forthcomming event,
HOWEVER my friend now needed to empty his bowels and was holding not only an erection but stiffing farts and his spintcher. They arrive at the flat and my friend says he whishes to use the bathroom to freshen up. The young lady now naked apart from her underwear directs him into the en-suite toilet.
Not wishing for her to hear the "splash" of said aboultions he lifts the seat and out of toilet paper makes a makeshift sling to catch his deposit and then lower it into the bowl silently, all goes well until he look back to see if the sling has worked. It has, but at this point his hand slips the sling is now a catapault and his semi liquid turd is hurled out of the pan into his CK pants onto his Chino troursers,
and her bathroom rug.
A knock at the door asked "Are you OK?" To which he replies " can you give me a minute"
After about 10 mins of trying to clean up as best he could, he came out from the toilet with the moment toally gone, he made his excuses and left, never to see the young lady again.
He has done this on a few occasions with family or on the high street, i really need to stop wearing joggers...
Roughly 7 years ago I worked for a large education company and was one of 10 or so foreign managers, we were at a national conference with the other 60 or so local managers. The entire thing was in Chinese and my level was nowhere near good enough to keep up, so me and my mate Carl basically switched off, chatting quietly and playing on our phones.
later than night we get kicked out of the swimming pool in the 5* hotel for being shit faced and Carl was smoking in the pool, as we went up in the lobby, holding carrier bags of booze in bath robes I asked how funny would it be if Peng (the ceo) saw us like this.
We also got a 1,000 RMB fine for smoking in our non smoking room (it was Carl, honest) that went straight on the company bill. We both lived in Kunming, it wasn’t uncommon to see people smoking in hospitals back then, little did we know, in Shenzhen no smoking means exactly that.
I was well in to my 20's and had never flown, partly through fear and having always driven down to the med for holidays. In the late 1980's I had to fly to Tel Aviv and I was beyond fear, never known a feeling like it plus El-Al's gestapo type interrogation before boarding didn't help (this was just after the bomb in the baby's pram terrorist attempt).
Anyway, I get on the plane and end up sitting in the aisle seat next to a drop dead gorgeous girl who was super posh and I thought at least she would take my mind off take off. The plane roars down the runway and is up and away and I am nearly crying with fear and shaking like a leaf when the engines died down (as they do at a certain height) and at that point being so terrified, it got the better of me and I screamed at the top of my voice, the fooking thing has broken down, along with more swearing than I want to remember, every head on that plane turned to stare at me.
However that wasn't all, after I stopped screaming, a posh voice whispered in my ear as calmly as anything 'please let go of my breast'. At the point I thought the plane was dropping from the sky, I had swung both arms out wide and I had used her boob to hang on to for dear life! I let go and she then said 'first time, what?'
Mortified doesn't even begin to cover how I felt.
Turned out we were heading for the same place in Israel and I spent 4 weeks with her and she was indeed well posh, mum who was with her was lady Christine something or other and her dad was a lord.
Well one day the obvious happened and I misjudged and did a full faceplate on the pavement, just as the crowd was coming over to see if I was ok some with comments like "I seen him go" a Bobby came over to ask if I was ok and said "I am betting you won't try that stunt again" a painful lesson learned.
I posted this in the 'ever got caught getting jiggy' thread from 3-4 years ago...
"I remember flat-sitting for my brother when he went off to Glastonbury many years ago. I'd been introduced to this new lass through one of my friends at work. She was bloody lovely and was one of the fittest lasses I'd ever even spoken to let alone done anything else with up to that point. So, invited her over to spend some time with me in the flat. One thing led to another and off we went to the bedroom.
Now nothing can ever prepare you for the first time you encounter a 'Norris McWhirter'. Jesus F Christ. Up until that point, I thought I'd seen everything. I may has well have dropped the bed into the deep end at Crook Log for how soaking wet it bloody was. After we'd finished, I was in a blind panic. How the hell could I cover my tracks? There was no google on your phone then to work out how to switch the washing machine on, or the tumble drier in them days. I still lived at home with my parents and I had never switched on a washing machine in my life. So, in my wisdom, I made her strip the bed and put the washing machine on. I drove her home but was still bricking it. I went back the next day with a hair dryer, to try and dry out the mattress. I ended up dragging the mattress out on the balcony for 24hrs and that seemed to have done the trick. Brother came back day after and I thought I'd got away with it until he threw her knickers at me a couple of days later which were stuffed down the back of the sofa.
And yes, sadly, I never saw her again after that night...top tip gents, don't ask them how to use a washing machine before you've barely finished the post-coital cigarette.'
Oh the joys of dating.
Early 1990’s white Levi jeans were all the rage - me and my mates went to Cafe de Paris for a dance music event - one of my mates had white Levi’s on - one of my other mates let off a ripper of a fart, that absolutely stank - my mate with the white Levi’s on said that he had a big fart brewing, and he would out stink the first fart (puerile I know, but we were young and idiotic) - anyway he lets out this ripper, and indeed it stank - just after he farted, a tune came on that he really liked, and he headed out of the bar area to go and dance, to reveal to us a large brown stain on the arse of his jeans - did we tell him, did we fuck - he only found out after about 10 minutes when a girl dancing near him said she could smell shit 🤣🤣