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Embarrassing moments in public

I've just unintentionally terrified everyone on my train carriage.

 I googled a quote my mate sent me ("Why us sarge"?) in a message in reference to our anticlimax cup draw and it was from the film Zulu.

So I clicked on  the following video link which came up to watch the scene.

Except unknowingly i hadn't connected my Bluetooth headphones so at a really loud volume it went "You're all going to die!!!" 

Panicked and rapidly turned it off so they didn't even get context of following dialogue. Just "You're all going to die!!!" blaring out from me.

Normally can't watch a YouTube video without effing adverts but oh no let's not bother this time and stitch this muppet up on his commute.

Few nervous looks and now an atmosphere in my carriage for rest of my one plus hour journey. Ffs.


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    How's the dog feeling now?
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    My wife was queueing at a supermarket till with our daughter (who would have been about 5 at the time). Daughter was wandering about and suddenly shouted "Mummy, there's a man dressed as a lady here". My wife went cold and didn't know where to look. Daughter then showed her a DVD of Mrs Brown's Boys that she'd picked up from the rack. 
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    My mate Philip once walked into a bistro in a southern french village.
    In his effort to blend with the local Rugby players looking farmers he decided to get on the front foot and order food confidently in his developing french.  
    'j'ai faim' (I am hungry) he thought he declared to the bewildered man behind the counter. 
    What actually came out was: 
    'Je suis une femme' (I am a woman...)
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    Being a Charlton supporter sometimes…
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    When Thomas was walking round the pitch playing the guitar…
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    Our previous dog, Scooby - we took him for a walk and then we went to a country pub for a few beers - being an English Springer Spaniel, he loved the water, and had been happily swimming about in the river - at the pub, we sat outside on a patio table - Scooby was laying down next to me, his lead tied to the patio table - it was a fairly long lead….

    A family of 4 were sat on the table next to us, and had ordered food, which duly arrived - they were saying how lovely Scooby was just before their food arrived, and their 2 young kids were patting him etc - they start to eat their food, at which point Scooby stood up, cocked his leg against their patio table, and deposited what I can only describe as the dog piss equivalent of the European Wine Lake all over the leg of their table, and of course under it - he must have pissed for well over a minute

    We didn’t finish our pints and left after apologising profusely 

    Scooby looked mighty pleased with himself 😃
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    I direct you to my story below taking directly from the famous Needing to go for a Barry thread from a few years back. My arsehole is giving post traumatic twitches at the memory:

    Jesus Christ - after the afternoon I have had, this thread was the first thing to come to mind. Along with wondering if I will ever regain control of my sphincter.

    Walking to a meeting with a colleague this afternoon and all seemed fine and well with the world. That’s until I walked round the corner onto the road where the clients office is and my stomach cramped, the tell tale bubbles moving in a downward direction, and the rapid realisation that I was in dire need of the biggest evacuation since the Titanic hit that berg.

    My colleague looked at me in consternation as I bent over double; I am relatively new in the company so haven’t yet reached the poo comfort zone. As such I made up the most bollox excuse ever - stating I had just come over a bit faint.

    As he came over in concern and suggested I sit down for a while, he then looked even more confused as I slapped him out the way before sprinting at breakneck speed back towards the sanctuary of the bogs at Kings Cross station 5 mins walk back. At this point I had a build up of liquid shit so extreme, I had enough thrust stored up to make me the first man on mars this side of Christmas. 

    So I legged it and haven’t spoken to him since.

    Of course the last thing on my mind was getting my 30p ready, so when I came storming in hot to the gents and the old lady at the gate asked for my 30p - I fucked that request right off by barrel rolling over the top of the gates (accidentally kicking off a kids glasses from his head as he was coming back through he other way).

    I am pretty sure it was at that moment that the first dribble came out but thank fuck there was a spare cubicle.

    I charged in to it with my belt buckle already coming undone - and the faint awareness that the kids father was coming after me questioning why I had almost taken his son out by going all Andy McNab on my way in. 

    Think they were soon left in no doubt as to my predicament as I flew onto the khazi and launched an eruption that would have resembled Vesuvius had Willy Wonka turned it into an extension of his wonderful chocolate factory.

    And as if it couldn’t get any worse, the door hadn’t locked in my rush. As I sat sweating and convulsed over the bog- the door swung slowly outward (it was the disabled cubicle) to reveal a pissed dad, son with glasses cracked, tutting cleaner. 

    Oh and a guy in a wheelchair asking if I would be long.

    Just the time for my poorly arse to squelch a secondary shitty fart into the pan.

    Surely Patel-gate is a walk in the park after that?  :D

    Both me and the missus are in pain with laughter by the way...   
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    edited November 2022
    Not me, but somebody I know. His dog escaped and he ran after it. After a couple of mins of chasing it the dog ran in to a cemetery, and straight towards a burial that was going on, the coffin had been lowered, the dog jumped straight in the hole and on top of it and proceeded to jump in and out a couple of times - my mate just turned his back and waited for the dog to come back. 
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    My uncle's dog likes to roll in poo, and had managed to combine this with a nice swim in a pond as well. It then ran off down a long, straight country path to a family, who all petted it and got covered. Uncle said the walk down the path towards the cack-covered family was the longest of his life.
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    Well, thats a first for me, I've never heard or known of a shit sling before!!!

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    I went to a chinese on lunch with my cousin years ago in Croydon, i go to pay (wearing joggers). Yes you guessed it as i paid my cousin whipped my trousers down, also got my boxers and stood on them too whilst i was trying to pay. What a little treat for everyone, thankfully it was only half full... 

    He has done this on a few occasions with family or on the high street, i really need to stop wearing joggers... 
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    edited November 2022
    Mine is similar to Rodney’s, but so, so much worse.

    Roughly 7 years ago I worked for a large education company and was one of 10 or so foreign managers, we were at a national conference with the other 60 or so local managers. The entire thing was in Chinese and my level was nowhere near good enough to keep up, so me and my mate Carl basically switched off, chatting quietly and playing on our phones. 

    I opened a video in WeChat (chinese WhatsApp) it was totally silent so I hadn’t realised how loud my phone was set, about 40seconds in the most outrageous sex noises started blaring out of my phone, in a country where porn is illegal. Luckily I think I managed to get “wtf are you doing Carl”out quick enough.

    later than night we get kicked out of the swimming pool in the 5* hotel for being shit faced and Carl was smoking in the pool, as we went up in the lobby, holding carrier bags of booze in bath robes I asked how funny would it be if Peng (the ceo) saw us like this. 

    Lift doors open and who’s standing right there, yep, Mr CEO, luckily he took it really well and said he was glad we were all having a good time. 

    We also got a 1,000 RMB fine for smoking in our non smoking room (it was Carl, honest) that went straight on the company bill. We both lived in Kunming, it wasn’t uncommon to see people smoking in hospitals back then, little did we know, in Shenzhen no smoking means exactly that. 

    I left the company in September, so I guess he really didn’t mind. 

    Fun times. 
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    When I was a young lad  I used to jump off the bus at the corner of the Equitable building instead of waiting for it to come to a full stop in General Gordon Square.
    Well one day the obvious happened and I misjudged and did a full faceplate on the pavement, just as the crowd was coming over to see if I was ok some with comments like "I seen him go" a Bobby came over to ask if I was ok and said "I am betting you won't try that stunt again" a painful lesson learned.
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    Rhymes with "squirter"
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    JohnBoyUK said:
    One thing will always stand out for me...above all others.
    I posted this in the 'ever got caught getting jiggy' thread from 3-4 years ago...

    "I remember flat-sitting for my brother when he went off to Glastonbury many years ago.  I'd been introduced to this new lass through one of my friends at work.  She was bloody lovely and was one of the fittest lasses I'd ever even spoken to let alone done anything else with up to that point.  So, invited her over to spend some time with me in the flat.  One thing led to another and off we went to the bedroom.

    Now nothing can ever prepare you for the first time you encounter a 'Norris McWhirter'.  Jesus F Christ.  Up until that point, I thought I'd seen everything.  I may has well have dropped the bed into the deep end at Crook Log for how soaking wet it bloody was.  After we'd finished, I was in a blind panic.  How the hell could I cover my tracks?  There was no google on your phone then to work out how to switch the washing machine on, or the tumble drier in them days.  I still lived at home with my parents and I had never switched on a washing machine in my life.  So, in my wisdom, I made her strip the bed and put the washing machine on.  I drove her home but was still bricking it.  I went back the next day with a hair dryer, to try and dry out the mattress.  I ended up dragging the mattress out on the balcony for 24hrs and that seemed to have done the trick.   Brother came back day after and I thought I'd got away with it until he threw her knickers at me a couple of days later which were stuffed down the back of the sofa.

    And yes, sadly, I never saw her again after that tip gents, don't ask them how to use a washing machine before you've barely finished the post-coital cigarette.'

    Oh the joys of dating.

    I’ll probably regret asking this, but what on earth is a ‘Norris mcwhirter’
    Squirter as in lady juice…..
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    ffs, never heard that before lol
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    I’ll probably regret asking this, but what on earth is a ‘Norris mcwhirter’
    Google when you get home, not in front of the wife and NOT in the office!!!
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