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The Christmas Sh*ts

2

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  • oohaahmortimer
    oohaahmortimer Posts: 34,207
    It’s a cross I have to bear , I live half my life stuck on a bog reading CL 
    In case you’re worried still no sign of solids , all I want for Christmas is a solid one wiper .
    Andrex and Cadbury’s shares to plummet in the New Year 
  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,200
    oohaahmortimer said:
    It’s a cross I have to bear , I live half my life stuck on a bog reading CL 
    In case you’re worried still no sign of solids , all I want for Christmas is a solid one wiper .
    Andrex and Cadbury’s shares to plummet in the New Year 
    Codeine makes you solid mate, try it.
  • McBobbin
    McBobbin Posts: 12,058
    Christmas Eve used to be the big pub day for me and my mates. Star and garter for an evening of slightly cheaper ale. Christmas day typically starts with the mass clear out normally reserved for the children's toy cupboard
  • Baldybonce
    Baldybonce Posts: 9,677
    ElfsborgAddick said:
    oohaahmortimer said:
    It’s a cross I have to bear , I live half my life stuck on a bog reading CL 
    In case you’re worried still no sign of solids , all I want for Christmas is a solid one wiper .
    Andrex and Cadbury’s shares to plummet in the New Year 
    Codeine makes you solid mate, try it.
    Does work but can be addictive. Solpadeine pain killers can do the job on a temporary basis.
  • oohaahmortimer
    oohaahmortimer Posts: 34,207
    I’d rather it came out than stayed in , you should know all about that Elf’s !!
    Just need a firming of the stool so I don’t have to wipe and do a bog roll each Richard 
  • blackpool72
    blackpool72 Posts: 23,729
    McBobbin said:
    Christmas Eve used to be the big pub day for me and my mates. Star and garter for an evening of slightly cheaper ale. Christmas day typically starts with the mass clear out normally reserved for the children's toy cupboard
    Thats disgusting 🤣
  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,200
    oohaahmortimer said:
    I’d rather it came out than stayed in , you should know all about that Elf’s !!
    Just need a firming of the stool so I don’t have to wipe and do a bog roll each Richard 
    Senna and Lactulose does the trick. The recipe for the bowels working properly.

    With you all the way on preference.
  • iaitch
    iaitch Posts: 10,261
    soapy_jones said:
    Blissfully regular the whole year around.  In fact Great Western Railways set their clocks by me.
    Announcement on GWR, we apologise for the late running service, this is due to Mr S Jones not having had a shit this morning.
  • T_C_E
    T_C_E Posts: 16,426
    Curb_It said:
    Seriously. Does anyone know more  about any other person’s bowel movements than they do about OohAahs? Every time he tells us he’s on the loo reading... too much thinking of his gold plated shite in his palatial Essex barn conversion. Stop!!  We don’t want to know you don’t have solids. Please. 😊
    But we do, the Queen has said she will make the day he does a Bank Holiday! 😉
  • iaitch
    iaitch Posts: 10,261
    The Queen did have an anus horriblis the other year.

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  • Curb_It
    Curb_It Posts: 21,240
    The other year? That was 1992!  Christ knows what she’s going to call this one.

  • iaitch
    iaitch Posts: 10,261
    Blimey time flies like an arrow.

    Fruit flies like a banana.
  • PopIcon
    PopIcon Posts: 5,970
    My poop-hoop has taken a battering today already, with two large anaemic looking loads. I'm not a specialist in this thing, but my guess would be as much as 2kg of matter. Could be a new household record.

    I am now ravenous.
  • man_at_milletts
    man_at_milletts Posts: 5,621
    oohaahmortimer said:
    It’s a cross I have to bear , I live half my life stuck on a bog reading CL 
    In case you’re worried still no sign of solids , all I want for Christmas is a solid one wiper .
    Andrex and Cadbury’s shares to plummet in the New Year 

    You could try a teaspoonful or two of Bisto twice day.  It may not cure it, but will certainly thicken it up.
  • Huskaris
    Huskaris Posts: 9,862
    Worried that I haven't heard from @oohaahmortimer on here for a bit... Just checking in... 
  • AddickUpNorth
    AddickUpNorth Posts: 8,325
    edited December 2020
    My bowels are regular as clockwork, regardless of Christmas. One roll up and a coffee and ten minutes later a perfect snake like deposit is dropped. No pushing, no grunting effort. Sit down, evacuation complete, quick wipe, pants up and on with my day. The key? Vegan diet. It’s a beautiful thing.
  • oohaahmortimer
    oohaahmortimer Posts: 34,207
    Huskaris said:
    Worried that I haven't heard from @oohaahmortimer on here for a bit... Just checking in... 
    Appreciate your rightful concern
    Christmas Day pressure of not being on the khazi cos it’s opening presents time for the kids has thrown me in to turmoil . 
    7-9am is a big part of the days pooing procedures.
    So I had to hold it in and throw my bodily functions in to turmoil .
    Secret Santa delivered two 850g Cadbury’s Dairy Milk that was delved in to for breakfast before Christmas dinner hit home ..
    I’m now on the pan at a time of day that is not in the usual regime but it’s required cos turkey sarnies and warmed up roast potatoes are calling .
    could be a long night tonight 


  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,200
    oohaahmortimer said:
    Huskaris said:
    Worried that I haven't heard from @oohaahmortimer on here for a bit... Just checking in... 
    Appreciate your rightful concern
    Christmas Day pressure of not being on the khazi cos it’s opening presents time for the kids has thrown me in to turmoil . 
    7-9am is a big part of the days pooing procedures.
    So I had to hold it in and throw my bodily functions in to turmoil .
    Secret Santa delivered two 850g Cadbury’s Dairy Milk that was delved in to for breakfast before Christmas dinner hit home ..
    I’m now on the pan at a time of day that is not in the usual regime but it’s required cos turkey sarnies and warmed up roast potatoes are calling .
    could be a long night tonight 


    I'm so glad I eat healthy now. 
  • Ormiston_Addick
    Ormiston_Addick Posts: 8,813
    Curb_It said:
    Seriously. Does anyone know more  about any other person’s bowel movements than they do about OohAahs? Every time he tells us he’s on the loo reading... too much thinking of his gold plated shite in his palatial Essex barn conversion. Stop!!  We don’t want to know you don’t have solids. Please. 😊
    In tears of laughter reading this! What a place this is!
  • SheffieldRed
    SheffieldRed Posts: 3,772
    Bit of a missed opportunity here. Alongside the popular ‘rate my plate’ there could be a ‘rate my faeces’. A turdometer could be used to show excremental scores between @AddickUpNorth perfect vegan roll and @oohaahmortimer chocolate based sloppy mess. 

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  • AddickUpNorth
    AddickUpNorth Posts: 8,325
    I’m pretty certain that in some dark corner of the ‘net there are sites for turd pics @SheffieldRed but not sure if CL is ready for such ‘specialist’ submissions. If the mods allow it I’ll leave out the sweet corn for a couple of days as I find they spoil the aesthetics of a truly beautiful example.
  • guinnessaddick
    guinnessaddick Posts: 28,761
    SheffieldRed said:
    Bit of a missed opportunity here. Alongside the popular ‘rate my plate’ there could be a ‘rate my faeces’. A turdometer could be used to show excremental scores between @AddickUpNorth perfect vegan roll and @oohaahmortimer chocolate based sloppy mess. 
    The final would be between a spanner’s shirt & a nigel’s shirt.
  • SheffieldRed
    SheffieldRed Posts: 3,772
    AddickUpNorth said:
    If the mods allow it I’ll leave out the sweet corn for a couple of days as I find they spoil the aesthetics of a truly beautiful example.
    Wise. And where do you stand (or indeed sit) on the matter of beetroot and a potentially reddened stool.
  • SuedeAdidas
    SuedeAdidas Posts: 7,760
    Let’s just say - my one just now didn’t have a lot of shape to it. 
  • EricBanterna
    EricBanterna Posts: 1,740
    AddickUpNorth said:
    I’m pretty certain that in some dark corner of the ‘net there are sites for turd pics @SheffieldRed but not sure if CL is ready for such ‘specialist’ submissions. If the mods allow it I’ll leave out the sweet corn for a couple of days as I find they spoil the aesthetics of a truly beautiful example.
    Ratemypoo.com 
  • AddickUpNorth
    AddickUpNorth Posts: 8,325
    SheffieldRed said:
    AddickUpNorth said:
    If the mods allow it I’ll leave out the sweet corn for a couple of days as I find they spoil the aesthetics of a truly beautiful example.
    Wise. And where do you stand (or indeed sit) on the matter of beetroot and a potentially reddened stool.
    I’d be worried I have some sort of bowel bleed and I worry enough without adding to the list.
  • ElfsborgAddick
    ElfsborgAddick Posts: 29,200
    SheffieldRed said:
    Bit of a missed opportunity here. Alongside the popular ‘rate my plate’ there could be a ‘rate my faeces’. A turdometer could be used to show excremental scores between @AddickUpNorth perfect vegan roll and @oohaahmortimer chocolate based sloppy mess. 
    Good idea, we can put it on the members only for privacy.
    @oohaahmortimer can get the ball rolling....so to speak.
  • carly burn
    carly burn Posts: 19,499
    SheffieldRed said:
    Bit of a missed opportunity here. Alongside the popular ‘rate my plate’ there could be a ‘rate my faeces’. A turdometer could be used to show excremental scores between @AddickUpNorth perfect vegan roll and @oohaahmortimer chocolate based sloppy mess. 
     Wait till you see the RMP's!
  • Spitfire76
    Spitfire76 Posts: 1,136
    edited December 2020
    SheffieldRed said:
    Bit of a missed opportunity here. Alongside the popular ‘rate my plate’ there could be a ‘rate my faeces’. A turdometer could be used to show excremental scores between @AddickUpNorth perfect vegan roll and @oohaahmortimer chocolate based sloppy mess. 
    This is perfect to go alongside rate my plate , it’s important to see that plate on its full journey to properly score it & to truly see if it had full balance.

    can I throw into the ring (pun intended)

    view my poo
    or
    like my shite
  • Baldybonce
    Baldybonce Posts: 9,677
    Spitfire76 said:
    SheffieldRed said:
    Bit of a missed opportunity here. Alongside the popular ‘rate my plate’ there could be a ‘rate my faeces’. A turdometer could be used to show excremental scores between @AddickUpNorth perfect vegan roll and @oohaahmortimer chocolate based sloppy mess. 
    This is perfect to go alongside rate my plate , it’s important to see that plate on its full journey to properly score it & to truly see if it had full balance.

    can I throw into the ring (pun intended)

    view my poo
    or
    like my shite
    or if we measure..

    Rule my stool

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