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  • People see me, and they see the suit, and they go: "you're not fooling anyone", they know I'm rock and roll through and through. But you know that old thing, live fast, die young? Not my way. Live fast, sure, live too bloody fast sometimes, but die young? Die old. That's the way- not orthodox, I don't live by "the rules" you know. And if there's one other person who's influenced me in that way I think, someone who is a maverick, someone who does that to the system, then, it's Ian Botham. Because Beefy will happily say "that's what I think of your selection policy, yes I've hit the odd copper, yes I've enjoyed the old dooby, but will you piss off and leave me alone, I'm walking to John O'Groats for some spastics."
  • When people say to me: "would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss?" my answer's always the same, to me, they're not mutually exclusive.
  • You will never work in a place like this again. It’s brilliant. Fact. And you’ll never have another boss like me, someone who’s basically a chilled-out entertainer.
  • I’m just your wife's personal fitness trainer, look I can do press up’s and everything.
  • "Carrie? Come back here at once."
  • Boris cuckolds Reed Richards. 
  • What a plank.
  • What a massive arse.
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  • Where the bloody hells she gone!
  • "Damn! Someone's stapled my tie to the carpet again".
  • Katrien takes delivery of cardboard cutout man but still awaits cardboard cutout woman for new centre circle marketing campaign.
  • "And that, kids, is how I met your mother."
  • Shag pile, as long as you get your under felt.
  • Boris getting ready to star in the latest Charlton Athletic pitch hire commercial
  • Designers really mess up the 'Boris Bike' Rack
  • Boris's impression of Corbyn and Diane Abbott?

  • Buffoon saves nation from deadly pandemic

    (give or take 43,000 dead people)
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  • I'm so pleased my carpet fitting mate said I shouldn't bother to buy a knee kicker to stretch this last bit.
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Roland Out!