I once had a dream that I was in a big kung fu fight with a bad guy, who then turned into Emma Bunton, in my mum's kitchen. It's one of the only times I recall that I was able to fight properly and not that shitty "agggh, I can't lift my arms!" type of dream.
Once I won the fight, I found myself raiding a sort of illegal street market. I had a badge and gun and got to shoot some villains. I would love to go back into that dream.
Also, while we're on the subject of dreams, I'd like to invoke Mitch Hedberg: "I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later."
Bizarrely @oohaahmortimer was in my dream last night. I bumped into a load of guys and girls from my primary school in a pub and oohaah was sitting at the bar on a stall chatting to some woman.
I had a horrendous dream the other night. Nick Clegg was chilling round mine for some unknown reason dressed in casual attire of a t- shirt and tracksuit bottoms.
He was sat across the living room from me sprawled on one of the settees and it became apparent that said tracksuit bottoms visibly identified that Clegg was apparently endowed in the manner of a thoroughbred racehorse in both length and girth.
If that wasn't sufficiently alarming the next stage of the dream saw my missus declare that she was going to "fetch the tape measure and compare you both" which, going by the presented evidence was a contest I was going to come of out of very fucking badly indeed.
To further douse fuel on the blazing fire of self-defeat and humiliation my subconscious caused me to shrivel up like an over ripened grape in a frozen lake at the notion of this prospective political "willy off".
Woke up with the right camel with the wife and a sense of shame and inadequacy not felt since my mum sent me into the 3rd year of a new secondary school in circa 1994 in a green C&A anorak and a £4 haircut.
Two things I learned from that dream
i) Won't be eating cheese that near to bedtime again
Bizarrely @oohaahmortimer was in my dream last night. I bumped into a load of guys and girls from my primary school in a pub and oohaah was sitting at the bar on a stall chatting to some woman.
Random
C'mon, it's not that weird... we all know nothing charms the ladies like an encyclopedic knowledge of lower league english football away attendance figures.
I had a horrendous dream the other night. Nick Clegg was chilling round mine for some unknown reason dressed in casual attire of a t- shirt and tracksuit bottoms.
He was sat across the living room from me sprawled on one of the settees and it became apparent that said tracksuit bottoms visibly identified that Clegg was apparently endowed in the manner of a thoroughbred racehorse in both length and girth.
If that wasn't sufficiently alarming the next stage of the dream saw my missus declare that she was going to "fetch the tape measure and compare you both" which, going by the presented evidence was a contest I was going to come of out of very fucking badly indeed.
To further douse fuel on the blazing fire of self-defeat and humiliation my subconscious caused me to shrivel up like an over ripened grape in a frozen lake at the notion of this prospective political "willy off".
Woke up with the right camel with the wife and a sense of shame and inadequacy not felt since my mum sent me into the 3rd year of a new secondary school in circa 1994 in a green C&A anorak and a £4 haircut.
Two things I learned from that dream
i) Won't be eating cheese that near to bedtime again
ii) Will never ever ever consider voting Lib Dem
I had EXACTLY the same dream, and that's why I always vote Lib Dem.
I had a horrendous dream the other night. Nick Clegg was chilling round mine for some unknown reason dressed in casual attire of a t- shirt and tracksuit bottoms.
He was sat across the living room from me sprawled on one of the settees and it became apparent that said tracksuit bottoms visibly identified that Clegg was apparently endowed in the manner of a thoroughbred racehorse in both length and girth.
If that wasn't sufficiently alarming the next stage of the dream saw my missus declare that she was going to "fetch the tape measure and compare you both" which, going by the presented evidence was a contest I was going to come of out of very fucking badly indeed.
To further douse fuel on the blazing fire of self-defeat and humiliation my subconscious caused me to shrivel up like an over ripened grape in a frozen lake at the notion of this prospective political "willy off".
Woke up with the right camel with the wife and a sense of shame and inadequacy not felt since my mum sent me into the 3rd year of a new secondary school in circa 1994 in a green C&A anorak and a £4 haircut.
Two things I learned from that dream
i) Won't be eating cheese that near to bedtime again
ii) Will never ever ever consider voting Lib Dem
This is fantastic, beautifully written and bloody hilarious. You could base a stand up routine around it.
The author either has the very weirdest dreams ever or has an amazingly warped and wonderful imagination. Either way..... I love it.
I rarely remember dreams but a long time ago..........I awoke in bed in a bit of distress and the wife asked what had upset me. I supposedly answered I had met Big Carl Leaburn and he had been rude to me.
I dreamt that I met Charles Bukowski. 'Can I buy you a drink,' I asked, ''I'm not not drinking anymore,' he replied. I woke up feeling miserable and cheated.
My wife has had the right hump with me for the last week because SHE had a dream I'd been banging a recently divorced friend of hers.
I wouldn't mind if I'd actually shagged this woman but she's got the arse with me over something she'd dreamt
Once tried to kick the wife in my sleep as I dreamt she was having an affair. Woke up tangled in the duvet frantically kicking and feeling seriously pissed off with her, made even worse by her killing herself laughing when I told her what happened.
It must be due to a chat recently about Mike Mills, guitarist and non-lead vocalist of REM, that I had this vivid dream last night :
I was evidentely in Athens Georgia looking for the place where REM had recorded their early albums because out of the front door of the house before which I was standing came Mike Mills.
He spoke to me briefly and then somewhat reluctantly, as if he would feel bad otherwise, invited me in.
I use the word ‘in’ with the loosest sense. It was like a ruin. He showed me where the old recording studio used to be and then we went beyond that to a huge space built within the rocks. (Thinking about it now I believe that REM and the B52s used to perform in a church, and this was like we were in a bombed out cathedral). Mike was telling me about his amazing renovation plans whilst deftly climbing up the rocks like a mountain goat. I got stuck on one rock and he had to come to my help and ease me down.
Then we went to a shopping centre. Peter Buck joined up with us along with some other friends of his. From that point Mike was talking to Peter. We were in a glass ceiling food court. I went off looking for something vegetarian but all I could find were hazelnuts that we given to me free by a kind waiter, in a restaurant that only served meat. When I got back Mike told me that hazelnuts were free everywhere in Athens.
Later, I was in what I thought was my hotel room but I had a large lounge. At that point the dream went off at another tangent. I realised that this lounge probably wasn’t private and I heard noises in the corridor. At the end of the corridor in a bedroom were three young women who seemed quite at ease taking their clothes off in front of me. Of course, I woke up at this point.
Apologies about the end but I had to tell it like it was.
Comments
Once I won the fight, I found myself raiding a sort of illegal street market. I had a badge and gun and got to shoot some villains. I would love to go back into that dream.
Also, while we're on the subject of dreams, I'd like to invoke Mitch Hedberg: "I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later."
Random
He was sat across the living room from me sprawled on one of the settees and it became apparent that said tracksuit bottoms visibly identified that Clegg was apparently endowed in the manner of a thoroughbred racehorse in both length and girth.
If that wasn't sufficiently alarming the next stage of the dream saw my missus declare that she was going to "fetch the tape measure and compare you both" which, going by the presented evidence was a contest I was going to come of out of very fucking badly indeed.
To further douse fuel on the blazing fire of self-defeat and humiliation my subconscious caused me to shrivel up like an over ripened grape in a frozen lake at the notion of this prospective political "willy off".
Woke up with the right camel with the wife and a sense of shame and inadequacy not felt since my mum sent me into the 3rd year of a new secondary school in circa 1994 in a green C&A anorak and a £4 haircut.
Two things I learned from that dream
i) Won't be eating cheese that near to bedtime again
ii) Will never ever ever consider voting Lib Dem
This is fantastic, beautifully written and bloody hilarious. You could base a stand up routine around it.
The author either has the very weirdest dreams ever or has an amazingly warped and wonderful imagination. Either way..... I love it.
My first "big boy" dream
Unforgettable
'Can I buy you a drink,' I asked,
''I'm not not drinking anymore,' he replied.
I woke up feeling miserable and cheated.
I wouldn't mind if I'd actually shagged this woman but she's got the arse with me over something she'd dreamt
It must be due to a chat recently about Mike Mills, guitarist and non-lead vocalist of REM, that I had this vivid dream last night :
I was evidentely in Athens Georgia looking for the place where REM had recorded their early albums because out of the front door of the house before which I was standing came Mike Mills.
He spoke to me briefly and then somewhat reluctantly, as if he would feel bad otherwise, invited me in.
I use the word ‘in’ with the loosest sense. It was like a ruin. He showed me where the old recording studio used to be and then we went beyond that to a huge space built within the rocks. (Thinking about it now I believe that REM and the B52s used to perform in a church, and this was like we were in a bombed out cathedral). Mike was telling me about his amazing renovation plans whilst deftly climbing up the rocks like a mountain goat. I got stuck on one rock and he had to come to my help and ease me down.
Then we went to a shopping centre. Peter Buck joined up with us along with some other friends of his. From that point Mike was talking to Peter. We were in a glass ceiling food court. I went off looking for something vegetarian but all I could find were hazelnuts that we given to me free by a kind waiter, in a restaurant that only served meat. When I got back Mike told me that hazelnuts were free everywhere in Athens.
Later, I was in what I thought was my hotel room but I had a large lounge. At that point the dream went off at another tangent. I realised that this lounge probably wasn’t private and I heard noises in the corridor. At the end of the corridor in a bedroom were three young women who seemed quite at ease taking their clothes off in front of me. Of course, I woke up at this point.
Apologies about the end but I had to tell it like it was.