The Pope visits Liverpool and conducts an open air mass by the docks. Scally walks up to him and says "Holy Father could you help me with my hearing". Pope replies "I'll try my son - kneel down before me".
Scally kneels down and the Pope cups his hands on the scally's ears - says a prayer and makes the sign of the cross "In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti". The Pope then asks the scally to rise.
"Has that helped my son", says the Pope - Scally replies "I don't know yet, Holy Father - it's next Tuesday".
One night in a local Liverpool pub, a huge scouser was sitting at the bar slowly getting pissed. He was about 6ft 8 and nearly as wide.
A little later a short, skinny man walks in, sits next to the huge guy and gives him a coy smile. After having a few drinks the man sidled over to the huge scouser and whispered in his gigantic ear, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the giant Merseysider jumped off his chair, punched the guy in the face breaking his nose, grabbed him by the feet and threw him out into the car park where he proceeded to give him a few kicks to the body and head. He then left the poor man laying prone on the floor and went back into the bar.
Amazed, the bartender brought the huge scouser a beer and said, "I have never seen you like that before. You are normally such a gentle man. Just what did he say to you anyway?"
"I'm not sure," replied the scouser, "It was something about a job."
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"Fuck off, I'll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!!"
Jurgen Klopp goes in to church to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned!" The priest replies, "Come forth my child!" Klopp retorts, "Come forth? We'll be lucky if we come bloody tenth!"
A Scouser went to sign on as usual at the job centre. The job centre staff asked ''Have you worked this week''? The Scouser said ''Yes, having helped build a new nuclear power station on Monday and Tuesday, on Wednesday I painted Buckingham Palace'' The job centre employee, not impressed, said ''You're taking the piss'' The Scouser replied ''Well you started it''
The Pope visits Liverpool and conducts an open air mass by the docks. Scally walks up to him and says "Holy Father could you help me with my hearing". Pope replies "I'll try my son - kneel down before me".
Scally kneels down and the Pope cups his hands on the scally's ears - says a prayer and makes the sign of the cross "In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti". The Pope then asks the scally to rise.
"Has that helped my son", says the Pope - Scally replies "I don't know yet, Holy Father - it's next Tuesday".
Comments
It could well be your bike he's riding.
The police charged him with Merseyside.
A bus shelter
Because if it went any slower, it would probably get mugged.
The Caretaker
Scally kneels down and the Pope cups his hands on the scally's ears - says a prayer and makes the sign of the cross "In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti". The Pope then asks the scally to rise.
"Has that helped my son", says the Pope - Scally replies "I don't know yet, Holy Father - it's next Tuesday".
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
A little later a short, skinny man walks in, sits next to the huge guy and gives him a coy smile. After having a few drinks the man sidled over to the huge scouser and whispered in his gigantic ear, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the giant Merseysider jumped off his chair, punched the guy in the face breaking his nose, grabbed him by the feet and threw him out into the car park where he proceeded to give him a few kicks to the body and head. He then left the poor man laying prone on the floor and went back into the bar.
Amazed, the bartender brought the huge scouser a beer and said, "I have never seen you like that before. You are normally such a gentle man. Just what did he say to you anyway?"
"I'm not sure," replied the scouser, "It was something about a job."
the accused .... or a scouser in a Mercedes ?
a car thief
Batman can go anywhere without Robin.
pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The
bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass
of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, giv us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so
the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.
As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his
leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his backstraighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"Fuck off, I'll lose my disabiltity benefit!!!!"
At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked an American. “Watch” answers a scouser.
They all board the train.
The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the scousers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket,” asks one perplexed American. “Watch” says a scouser.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please”.
Liverpool Airport
"Forgive me father for I have sinned!"
The priest replies, "Come forth my child!" Klopp retorts, "Come forth? We'll be lucky if we come bloody tenth!"
The Scouser said ''Yes, having helped build a new nuclear power station on Monday and Tuesday, on Wednesday I painted Buckingham Palace''
The job centre employee, not impressed, said ''You're taking the piss''
The Scouser replied ''Well you started it''
You look in the dustbin for something to eat,
You find a dead cat and you think it's a treat,
In your Liverpool.............
......a shopping trolley has a mind of its own....!
stick a DVD player under his arm