When Hollywood makes a feature film about Sunday, it’ll be a bit like this.
It starts with a funeral cortege, being lead down Floyd Road. Women and children are crying, it is probably snowing, weird lay preacher types are standing on corners peaching that the end is nigh. The match goes ahead, constantly interrupted by whistles from the crowd, the ref finally finds a solution to this after trying hand bells and a tuba and settles on a huge organ that is set up at the side of the pitch near the sofa. Charlton go three nil down, on the 60th minute 200 Charlton ninjas storm the pitch occupying the centre circle. A crack force of Belgian surrealist storm troopers try to remove them with the use of sprouts and waffles. After 74 minutes everyone leaves the ground, the last one being Seb who after taking down his flag, switches the light off in the Covered End.
Meanwhile in a bunker in Belgium a docu drama is being made. Cabbies, Manish, Clem and a Latvian Girl (love interest) are with Twoshats watching the live feed, Clem finds something in the bunker that is too horrible to show or even mention. Upon discovering that his dark dark secret is now out in the open Twoshats is quickly on the phone to The Valley saying “I’ve been rumbled, all Belgians, get out now, run for your lives”
Pinocchio, Riga and other assorted hangers on all leap into laundry baskets and are driven away at speed by Murrey in a laundry van.
The match is now about to be abandoned, due to Charlton not having anyone with a relevant UEFA license in charge, but after jumping down from the Sky Sports gantry Chris Powell steps up, a small boy hand him his rascal cap, he put it on and then says “let’s go to work” The crowd swarms back in, Charlton quickly score 3 goals to put themselves on parity with Boro, the match is heading deep into stoppage time but Charlton still can’t get the winner. Meanwhile (again), in the museum, Henry Irving is desperately looking for something in a box of dusty papers. He finds it! It’s conclusive proof that the transfer of Yann Kermongant never took place and was still on Charlton’s books. He rushes to the 4th official, because by chance and due to a clerical error by a University of Greenwich student, Big Yann was a named substitute. With seconds left Big Yann comes on, his head is bandaged due to the fact he was one of the 200 ninjas and took a hit by a sprout on the noggin. A ball is sent into the box towards Yann, where he volleys it ferociously into the back of the net. 4-3.
The film finishes with a tunnel run and back in Belgium a hand cuffed Twoshats has his mask pulled off revealing himself to be none other than former pocket billiard magnate Simon Jordan. “I could have got away with it if it hadn’t been for you pesky kids” Cabbies, Clem and Manish laugh.
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Comments
No matter how bad things are we can manage a song and a dance...
and at least one wet sari scene.