"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."
Guy orders calamari in a restaurant and the waiter aks him to come to the tank to choose. There is a rather large one at the bottom of the tank that was an unusual shade of green and with what looked like a moustache. The customer says 'I'll have that one' and the waiter says 'no sorry - he does our washing up'. 'You must be having a laugh' says the customer to which the waiter replied:
'Have you not heard of lime green hairy lipped squid?'
A couple go to a sex therapist because they're having trouble in the bedroom. The doc suggests working on things that they both like, but they can't agree on anything. Eventually, they decide that food is their only common interest so doc says to go home and try experimenting with different foodstuffs - a bit like 9 and a half weeks. They head off and arrange to come back in a few weeks with details of what they tried. When they come back there's a stark difference in their attitudes and the doc is intrigued: "How'd it go?" "Brilliant" says the wife. "Terrible" says the husband. Doc turns to the wife first and asks what she's tried to get her in the mood. She gets a cucumber out of her bag and explains how she's been getting 'warmed up' so to speak using this. "That's good," says doc, "Then what happens?" "Well that's it. I use the cucumber, then turn to the old man to finish the job, but he just sits there with a huge grimace on his face saying he finds it offensive. I don't mind though, because I've had a bit of fun already!" The doc turns to the husband: "What about you then? How do you feel?" The bloke sticks a jug on the desk and says: "I'm just fuckin' dis custard."
A bloke goes to the docs. 'Hey doc every time I fart it sounds like 'Honda', the doc examines his 'arris, 'I see, you have an abscess on your arse', 'what could that mean doc' says the patient, 'haven't you heard' says the doc 'abscess makes the fart go Honda'
Guy orders calamari in a restaurant and the waiter aks him to come to the tank to choose. There is a rather large one at the bottom of the tank that was an unusual shade of green and with what looked like a moustache. The customer says 'I'll have that one' and the waiter says 'no sorry - he does our washing up'. 'You must be having a laugh' says the customer to which the waiter replied:
'Have you not heard of lime green hairy lipped squid?'
A guy goes to a French restaurant and, when he sees they have a special of the verdant variety with the hirsute labia, orders the calamari. The waiter, Gervais, gets the live cephalopod out of the tank but it looks at him with a very doleful expression and Gervais can't bring himself to chop off its head. So, Gervais calls out Hans from the kitchen and this enormous Teutonic guy who does the washing up comes out carrying a massive cleaver. However, as he's just about to bring down the cleaver, a tear rolls from the cephalopod's eye and he can't bring himself to kill it.
Which just goes to show, Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais with mild green hairy lip squid.
A bloke goes to the docs. 'Hey doc every time I fart it sounds like 'Honda', the doc examines his 'arris, 'I see, you have an abscess on your arse', 'what could that mean doc' says the patient, 'haven't you heard' says the doc 'abscess makes the fart go Honda'
I'm sure we all like a laugh on here, but can you please keep it clean buddy?
I have a 14 year old son who comes on here and I really don't need him reading this kind of filth.
A bloke goes to the docs. 'Hey doc every time I fart it sounds like 'Honda', the doc examines his 'arris, 'I see, you have an abscess on your arse', 'what could that mean doc' says the patient, 'haven't you heard' says the doc 'abscess makes the fart go Honda'
I'm sure we all like a laugh on here, but can you please keep it clean buddy?
I have a 14 year old son who comes on here and I really don't need him reading this kind of filth.
So, can we have the MickeyBennett approved vocabulary?
Seriously, that might be crude but it's not filth.
A bloke goes to the docs. 'Hey doc every time I fart it sounds like 'Honda', the doc examines his 'arris, 'I see, you have an abscess on your arse', 'what could that mean doc' says the patient, 'haven't you heard' says the doc 'abscess makes the fart go Honda'
I'm sure we all like a laugh on here, but can you please keep it clean buddy?
I have a 14 year old son who comes on here and I really don't need him reading this kind of filth.
So, can we have the MickeyBennett approved vocabulary?
Seriously, that might be crude but it's not filth.
I don't want to get into the ins and outs of want constitutes 'filth' buddy.
All I know is that when my lad stands up at the dinner table and tells the mrs that his 'potato waffles taste like a**e' I will know who to blame (and it ain't Captain Birdseye).
A bloke goes to the docs. 'Hey doc every time I fart it sounds like 'Honda', the doc examines his 'arris, 'I see, you have an abscess on your arse', 'what could that mean doc' says the patient, 'haven't you heard' says the doc 'abscess makes the fart go Honda'
I'm sure we all like a laugh on here, but can you please keep it clean buddy?
I have a 14 year old son who comes on here and I really don't need him reading this kind of filth.
So, can we have the MickeyBennett approved vocabulary?
Seriously, that might be crude but it's not filth.
I don't want to get into the ins and outs of want constitutes 'filth' buddy.
All I know is that when my lad stands up at the dinner table and tells the mrs that his 'potato waffles taste like a**e' I will know who to blame (and it ain't Captain Birdseye).
You think a 14 year old has never heard nor used the word arse? Have they ever been to a Charlton game?
There's this panda, and he escapes from the zoo, and he's walking around town, and he thinks "I could really do with a shag!" So off he goes down to the local bar to try and pick up a girl.
So he's at the bar, and this girl (a prostitute) slides up to him and starts hitting on him. Panda thinks "Ello...I'm on here."
So they end up back at her place and the Panda says "I'm really hungry, do you have any food?"
The prostitute gives him some food, and then they get down to it.
Afterwards, the panda gets up and goes to walk out. Now the whore doesn't like this and she says, "Where are you going, where's my money?"
Panda says, "Money? What are you on about?"
Prostitute says, "I'm a prostitute for pete's sake!!"
Panda says, "What's a prostitute?"
She throws him a dictionary and says, "Look it up!!"
Panda looks it up: "PROSTITUTE - A woman who has sex for money." Panda throws the dictionary back at her and says "So what. I'm a panda."
Prostitute says, "So."
Panda says, "Look it up."
So she looks it up, and reads out aloud: "PANDA - Eats shoots and leaves."
There's this panda, and he escapes from the zoo, and he's walking around town, and he thinks "I could really do with a shag!" So off he goes down to the local bar to try and pick up a girl.
So he's at the bar, and this girl (a prostitute) slides up to him and starts hitting on him. Panda thinks "Ello...I'm on here."
So they end up back at her place and the Panda says "I'm really hungry, do you have any food?"
The prostitute gives him some food, and then they get down to it.
Afterwards, the panda gets up and goes to walk out. Now the whore doesn't like this and she says, "Where are you going, where's my money?"
Panda says, "Money? What are you on about?"
Prostitute says, "I'm a prostitute for pete's sake!!"
Panda says, "What's a prostitute?"
She throws him a dictionary and says, "Look it up!!"
Panda looks it up: "PROSTITUTE - A woman who has sex for money." Panda throws the dictionary back at her and says "So what. I'm a panda."
Prostitute says, "So."
Panda says, "Look it up."
So she looks it up, and reads out aloud: "PANDA - Eats shoots and leaves."
There's this panda, and he escapes from the zoo, and he's walking around town, and he thinks "I could really do with a shag!" So off he goes down to the local bar to try and pick up a girl.
So he's at the bar, and this girl (a prostitute) slides up to him and starts hitting on him. Panda thinks "Ello...I'm on here."
So they end up back at her place and the Panda says "I'm really hungry, do you have any food?"
The prostitute gives him some food, and then they get down to it.
Afterwards, the panda gets up and goes to walk out. Now the whore doesn't like this and she says, "Where are you going, where's my money?"
Panda says, "Money? What are you on about?"
Prostitute says, "I'm a prostitute for pete's sake!!"
Panda says, "What's a prostitute?"
She throws him a dictionary and says, "Look it up!!"
Panda looks it up: "PROSTITUTE - A woman who has sex for money." Panda throws the dictionary back at her and says "So what. I'm a panda."
Prostitute says, "So."
Panda says, "Look it up."
So she looks it up, and reads out aloud: "PANDA - Eats shoots and leaves."
Vile
Would say more tasteless than vile, but not really a pun.
Guy walks up to a girl in a bar and goes "The names Bond" She says; "Oh! Let me guess. James Bond?" He replies, "Nope. UniBond! Here to fill your crack!"
Guy walks up to a girl in a bar and goes "The names Bond" She says; "Oh! Let me guess. James Bond?" He replies, "Nope. UniBond! Here to fill your crack!"
There's this panda, and he escapes from the zoo, and he's walking around town, and he thinks "I could really do with a shag!" So off he goes down to the local bar to try and pick up a girl.
So he's at the bar, and this girl (a prostitute) slides up to him and starts hitting on him. Panda thinks "Ello...I'm on here."
So they end up back at her place and the Panda says "I'm really hungry, do you have any food?"
The prostitute gives him some food, and then they get down to it.
Afterwards, the panda gets up and goes to walk out. Now the whore doesn't like this and she says, "Where are you going, where's my money?"
Panda says, "Money? What are you on about?"
Prostitute says, "I'm a prostitute for pete's sake!!"
Panda says, "What's a prostitute?"
She throws him a dictionary and says, "Look it up!!"
Panda looks it up: "PROSTITUTE - A woman who has sex for money." Panda throws the dictionary back at her and says "So what. I'm a panda."
Prostitute says, "So."
Panda says, "Look it up."
So she looks it up, and reads out aloud: "PANDA - Eats shoots and leaves."
Vile
I genuinely can't work out if this guy is joking or serious.
Bloke goes to fancy dress party wearing only his Y-fronts, when asked by the hostess what his fancy dress is he tells her he's come as a premature ejaculation! When the hostess says she is not going to tell that to her other guests he says, well just tell everyone I came in my pants!
Bloke goes to fancy dress party wearing only his Y-fronts, when asked by the hostess what his fancy dress is he tells her he's come as a premature ejaculation! When the hostess says she is not going to tell that to her other guests he says, well just tell everyone I came in my pants!
Since we've moved on from puns to fancy dress jokes... this one always cracks me up:
A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions. From fear to happiness, and so on.
The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. "What did you come as?" the host asks. "I'm green with envy". "Wow, that's brilliant" says the host. "Come in and have a drink"
A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts. "Wow, great outfit" says the host. "And you've come as?","I'm tickled pink!" she says. "Brilliant!"the host replies.
Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes at the door. One's standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other's got his cock stuck in a pear. "What the hell are you both doing?" screams the host. "Well, I'm fucking dis custard and he's deep in dis pear!"
Comments
'Have you not heard of lime green hairy lipped squid?'
"Super Caley Go Ballistic Celtic Are Atrocious"
Eventually, they decide that food is their only common interest so doc says to go home and try experimenting with different foodstuffs - a bit like 9 and a half weeks.
They head off and arrange to come back in a few weeks with details of what they tried.
When they come back there's a stark difference in their attitudes and the doc is intrigued:
"How'd it go?"
"Brilliant" says the wife.
"Terrible" says the husband.
Doc turns to the wife first and asks what she's tried to get her in the mood. She gets a cucumber out of her bag and explains how she's been getting 'warmed up' so to speak using this.
"That's good," says doc, "Then what happens?"
"Well that's it. I use the cucumber, then turn to the old man to finish the job, but he just sits there with a huge grimace on his face saying he finds it offensive. I don't mind though, because I've had a bit of fun already!"
The doc turns to the husband: "What about you then? How do you feel?"
The bloke sticks a jug on the desk and says:
"I'm just fuckin' dis custard."
'Hey doc every time I fart it sounds like 'Honda', the doc examines his 'arris, 'I see, you have an abscess on your arse', 'what could that mean doc' says the patient, 'haven't you heard' says the doc 'abscess makes the fart go Honda'
Which just goes to show, Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais with mild green hairy lip squid.
I have a 14 year old son who comes on here and I really don't need him reading this kind of filth.
Seriously, that might be crude but it's not filth.
All I know is that when my lad stands up at the dinner table and tells the mrs that his 'potato waffles taste like a**e' I will know who to blame (and it ain't Captain Birdseye).
http://sunshineonheath.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/super_caley_go_ballistic_celtic_are_atrocious-scaled500.jpg
"The problem with money is that it is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine!"
So he's at the bar, and this girl (a prostitute) slides up to him and starts hitting on him. Panda thinks "Ello...I'm on here."
So they end up back at her place and the Panda says "I'm really hungry, do you have any food?"
The prostitute gives him some food, and then they get down to it.
Afterwards, the panda gets up and goes to walk out. Now the whore doesn't like this and she says, "Where are you going, where's my money?"
Panda says, "Money? What are you on about?"
Prostitute says, "I'm a prostitute for pete's sake!!"
Panda says, "What's a prostitute?"
She throws him a dictionary and says, "Look it up!!"
Panda looks it up: "PROSTITUTE - A woman who has sex for money." Panda throws the dictionary back at her and says "So what. I'm a panda."
Prostitute says, "So."
Panda says, "Look it up."
So she looks it up, and reads out aloud: "PANDA - Eats shoots and leaves."
"What have you come as?" Asks the host.
"A tortoise" comes the reply.
"So what's with the girl?"
"That's Michelle."
She says; "Oh! Let me guess. James Bond?"
He replies, "Nope. UniBond! Here to fill your crack!"
;-)
A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions. From fear to happiness, and so on.
The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. "What did you come as?" the host asks. "I'm green with envy". "Wow, that's brilliant" says the host. "Come in and have a drink"
A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts. "Wow, great outfit" says the host. "And you've come as?","I'm tickled pink!" she says. "Brilliant!"the host replies.
Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes at the door. One's standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other's got his cock stuck in a pear. "What the hell are you both doing?" screams the host. "Well, I'm fucking dis custard and he's deep in dis pear!"
Sorry sticky Mickey....