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A eulogy - help and support needed.

I sadly lost my beloved stepdad ( tho for all intents and purposes he was 'my dad') Clive on Saturday 14th. He passed at the age of 67, unexpectedly, and as you can imagine I'm heartbroken at losing my best mate. However I've vowed to write and read his eulogy when we gather to say goodbye on the 27th. The words will be easy, I have so many positives to say that condensing it will be the hard part.

What I need is advice on how I get through the reading. The tears come now without warning now so I'm concerned that I'll break down especially when I look up and see my mum who truly was his soul mate. I just want to do him proud so if anyone who has read a eulogy at a funeral can give me some tips on how I can keep it together I would be eternally grateful.

I've asked on here because I know that there are some truly wonderful people on CL.

Thanks for taking the time to read.
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Comments

  • I know it's not ideal to read from the paper in front of you but it helped me when I had to do my Dads. If I had stopped to look at all the people around me I may well have had to stop.
    Not a nice thing to have to do ,but like you, I felt it was the right thing to do.
    I wish you all the very best.
  • edited December 2013
    First of all my condolences. From what you said before he seems a wonderful guy you should, and are clearly are, proud of.

    I couldn't speak at my parents funerals as I knew I would start crying and not be able to finish. It was hard enough just listening to others. We had an secular officiant who collected stories from us and others and that worked very well. Worth considering at least.

    But if you prefer to speak yourself I would suggest a lot of practice so you know your material. Rather than word for word notes I would suggest headings and key words so you can then try to speak more naturally rather than sound like reading a script. Slow down, explain to people when you start that it will be hard for you and then if you cry you cry. No one will blame you.

    Sometimes it is good to pick one person at the back of the room to focus on. Look at them and try to avoid eye contact with those close to you who will set you off. This helps you to keep your voice level up. Try to pick someone you don't know too well, if possible, at the back as that will be easy than a close relative.

    The other option is to ask if there is someone who can step in if you don't want to carry on. A brother or sister maybe or just a friend. Most likely you will be OK when you get going but it can be re-assuring to know that if not you have a fall back.

    Hope that helps and once again sorry for your sad news.
  • Very sorry for your loss.

    It's important to remember, you are not alone. Especially in the funeral.

    I remember being ridiculously nervous about a reading, and spent the morning before in a mess trying to psych myself up for it. But once in there, I found I got a bit of extra strength (probably adrenaline) and focus. You also have to remember, every single person in there is on your side. All willing you to get through the whole thing, and all will tell you after that you did a great job.

    I'd wager that you will find you WANT to share your memories so much that the tears will wait. You can't and won't let them get between you and your reading. That's how I felt. There's plenty of time for tears. If looking up will break you, don't look up - pretty sure i didn't. If you do break down, you will be given the time to recover. Every soul will understand. There's absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
  • The other option is to ask if there is someone who can step in if you don't want to carry on. A brother or sister maybe or just a friend. Most likely you will be OK when you get going but it can be re-assuring to know that if not you have a fall back.

    Totally this. You have to take the pressure off yourself, it'll make a huge difference if you can feel comfortable with the idea.
  • Sorry to hear that mate.

    Lost my Dad last year and knew I would struggle to read the eulogy.

    In the end, the vicar read it out on my/our behalf. I had a pretty good idea I wouldn't be able to do it so typed out 2 versions of the eulogy, one as if i was reading it and the other in the 3rd person.

    Can't give you any advice on holding it together I'm afraid as I'm probably the worlds worse.
  • My best friend asked me to read her Dad's on her behalf last week. I did it. But I dont envy you. Good luck.

    I avoided all eye contact with my friend so dont look at your mum and also like Ben says, ask for a back up.
  • very sorry for your loss, there's some great advice already on here....I spoke at my Nan's funeral and would've echoed the advice about focusing on someone you don't know towards the back of the room as if you are speaking to them.

    remember every single person there will be wanting you to get through it and I'm pretty sure once you start that you will.
  • So sorry for your loss. Some excellent advice on here already on what is undoubtedly one of the most difficult things you're ever likely to do. Certainly try to avoid eye contact with close relatives as, if they're upset, it will start you off. I concentrated on my dad's coffin which worked for me. Above all, if the tears flow, dont be embarrassed as everyone will fully understand and admire your courage for speaking in the first place. Best wishes
  • I spoke at my Mum's funeral last year and although it was difficult and I need a few pauses and deep breaths I managed to get through it.

    Usually if I speak in any form of 'public' then I can do it with notes - I needed a word for word script for Mum's and it went over three pages.

    I found looking up at certain points (I mentioned a lot of friends and family) and catching a smile or a nod really helped rather than looking down but that's obviously a personal thing.

    One thing to remember is that nothing you say or do will be wrong. You're not speaking on behalf of anybody other than yourself and using your own memories and experiences.

    Hope it all goes well and sorry for your loss.
  • My thoughts are with you and your family.
    Ray
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  • very sorry to hear AUN, thoughts with you

    There is some really good advice here, there is no right or wrong so hopefully there is something which will be useful to you.

    At my grandad's earlier this year, i really wanted to say something but knew i would not be able to, so i wrote a poem about him which was printed in the order of service / handout.

    I felt better that i had done 'something personal' without the additional pressure. I wanted my time there to be fixed on him, and not on fear and nerves of public speaking.

    Dave Mehmet's advise on the two versions seems a very good back up. It will take the pressure off if you do break down, what you want to say will still be told.

    Hope it goes ok
  • edited December 2013
    Some very good advice and It's each to their own @AddickUpNorth but like quite a few have said I also knew I could not attempt it for my father. Although it was not a poem like AFKA did for his Grandad I felt that I had to write something in the Order Of Service, which preceded the invite to the wake on the last page and I will PM this to you to have a look at.
  • It is brilliant that you are going to do this.

    Definitely write what you are going to say and read it. You don't need the extra stress of having to try to remember stuff

    You will probably find you want to get through to the end as quickly as possible. Try to resist this. People will really appreciate it if you can take your time and read it clearly. Also, you will feel better afterwards if you don't feel you rushed it. Pause and take deep breaths if you need to. Everyone is on your side.

    Try to include some humour (near the start if possible). People love to smile /laugh at funerals - it helps them celebrate the life of the person. It will also relax you and make you feel more confident.

    I would suggest you look up and speak over the heads of the people there (or certainly the people closest to you) and avoid any eye contact.

    Arrange with someone else (eg the person conducting the service) that they will take over from you if you can't continue. Just that knowledge should be enough to ensure that you do get through.

    Good luck.

  • edited December 2013
    Sorry to hear your news AUN.

    My father was very eminent in his field and a former colleague gave the eulogy at his funeral. I did read a reading though the thought of which filled me with anxiety and trepidation in the run up to his funeral.

    I eventually conquered it by mentally reminding myself that everyone attending the funeral would be "on my side" and if by some remote chance they were not they were not worth worrying or bothering about anyway.

    You want to do this in honour of Clive you WILL find the strength.
  • My condolences AUN.

    Knowing I'd blub uncontrollably I was pleased that my younger son volunteered to do a reading at my mother's funeral. I have never been more proud of him than I was at that moment - he was just brilliant.

    Just to echo what others have said, you will be with family and friends who all know what you are going through so you can't "get it wrong".
  • Sincere condolences AUN. It sounds like you had a great relationship with him, and no doubt many great memories to treasure.

    Some excellent advice already given. All I would add is from my own experience, when my dad passed away. I was worried about not holding it together but somehow, when the time came, I found strength in the thought that this, the eulogy, would be the last thing I would ever do for him and it filled me with a fierce determination to "do him proud". I imagined him looking down and being full of pride that his son could make this last tribute. No tips exactly, and if anything it adds a bit of pressure, but that feeling of doing it for him is a powerful one.

    Good luck mate.
  • Sorry for your loss. In addition to some very good advice already given, i found that speaking slowly, taking deep breaths and pausing if I felt myself going really helped. Hope all goes well for you.
  • My condolences AUN.
    I did a eulogy for a close friend 17 years ago. I am moved to cry really easily so it worried me beforehand. I dealt with it by running through it in front of a mirror dozens of times. I cracked up loads then, but got enough of it out of my system that it went well. It's worth remembering that the service is for you and all the others who loved or respected him. They will have no problem if you hit any issues and will be supportive. Good luck.
  • I would like to thank you all for your kind and supportive words. Will be re-reading the words of advice from now until the funeral. I know the vicar has said that he'd take over if I crumble but I am determined to do this. He was always there for me, to pick up the pieces if I messed up but most importantly he and my mum shared the purest of love which was most needed by my mum. Paying my tribute to him is the least I can do.

    Thanks again x
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  • Thanks for that @Simon E. I was in two minds whether to start this thread but I knew I'd get some sound advice and my worries have been relieved slightly.

    It's what makes Charlton Life such a quality forum. I'm grateful it's here.
  • Condolences AUN. Not easy and life is cruel sometimes
  • Sorry to hear that AUN....it's good that you started this thread, brings out the best in people.
  • Condolences on your loss AUN. I'm not going to add any further advice as there has been plenty of great advice already and, thankfully, I've yet to be put in your position. Whatever happens no-one there is going to judge you because you are all there for the same reason, to say goodbye to someone you all loved. I'm sure you'll be fine but good luck and hope all goes well. Be thinking of you.

  • Sorry to hear your news.

    Good luck & best wishes.
  • Well done to all for some excellent guidance. Ask your Mum and other close relatives and friends what they would want to hear you say, and build it into your script. Rehearse as often as is practical and so that you become familiar with what you intend to say. Above all speak slowly, make sure that you can be heard by everyone, pause as often as you wish and don't let the words run as a torrent. Everyone will be willing you to do well, and it sounds to me as if your 'Dad' would have been very proud of you. You will be fine.
  • I know what it's like. I wanted to do my dad's eulogy some years ago but I cracked up every time I tried to write it so got my uncle to do it, but felt bad about that.

    I was determined to do my mum's last year and I did it fine. The tip I was given was to read it, and read it, and read it some more and do it every day. You eventually get past the tears and get numb to the bits that are most emotional. Just don't give up, it will come.

    It helped me by imagining she was there listening to me, just let all your feelings out. Then when you see the coffin you can just talk as if your step dad is there with you and you will be used to it. The congregation will not affect you if you have practised talking as if your step dad was there.

    In the end I knew I would be able to do it and then I found myself looking forward to telling everyone what a fantastic full life she led and how proud I was of the hardships she took in her stride. Believe me, you can do it and you will feel so good and so will your family. I'm even getting weepy writing this, so if I managed it, so can you, its only practice.
  • Thank you @Granpa and @Dippenhall. Been writing this morning and thinking of everyone's words of advice, still think it's going to be the hardest thing I've done, but I will do it and it'll be partly thanks to my fellow Lifers. You really don't know how much it means to me.
  • Al the best AUN , its not easy , but you can do it.
  • My condolences AUN.

    I lost both my parents within ten days of each other two years ago and like you,dreaded the thought of breaking down whilst giving their eulogy.

    There has been some excellent advice here,and on a practical level I would reiterate that which advises to repeat - and this is important - aloud what you have written ad nauseam until you are comfortable with the piece and - this may appear odd - the sound of your own voice.

    When the time came,I was so familiar with what I had written and the sound of me reading it,I barely looked at the few key-words I had on a blank postcard and instead focused on friends and family.I gave the eulogy without wavering once...

    It's not easy,but I have no doubt you will do your stepfather proud and will always be glad that you took the opportunity to do so for both yours and your mother's sake.

    You'll be absolutely fine.
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