Going to Australia today for my brother's wedding. Not through choice, I hasten to add - I have no wish to visit a country where not only the wildlife but the local foliage tries to kill you at every opportunity, there is less culture than seen on the average pot of yoghurt and the inidigenous creatures include Giant Freakish Bouncing Mice (TM Al Murray), but because he has been selfish enough to insist that our family goes there for the wedding, instead of having a wedding on one side of the world and a blessing on the other.
Unfortunately, I'll be missing the inevitable shellacking we'll be dishing out to the barcodes, as, according to my itinerary, I'll be somewhere over Turkmenistan when the game kicks off, so, in advance, COME ON YOU RIP ROARING, GOAL SCORING ADDICKS!!!
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have a good time mate, and there will be plenty of points in the charlton camp for when you get back!
NOT being supportive would have been me telling him to stick his poxy wedding (Which is costing me two grand, eating up two weeks of my annual leave, in a country from which I have NEVER met a SINGLE person I liked, during a period of marital strife with my wife (who doesn't like flying so isn't going), in the middle of two massive migration projects at work)
...
maybe the 2 week break will do you good?
I'm not really like that, but...
Actually, bollocks I AM like that - and I like it. I've always had a reputation for being a grumpy bastard and it suits me down to the ground TBH.
If I was going away for two weeks on my todd to somewhere I've always wanted to go, or off for a break with the wife, then I'd be well happy about it. As it is, I've got three days to try and cheer myself up about it otherwise I'll end up on the arse end of all their wedding photos looking like the miserable fat bouncer in Phoenix Nights.
I'll start it off:
1> its a warm country this time of the year
2> not all australians are loud, annoying cork wearing hat freaks (i've never been but i'm sure they're not - willing to be proved wrong)
3> when you land on your way home you'll turn on your phone and find out that charlton have whooped the geordies 3-0 and scott parker swapped shirts with matt holland and kissed our badge
4> your brother and his wife's faces when you turn to congratulate them in person on their wedding day
Look on the bright side mate , you might meet a millionaire sheila at the wedding and end up living the high life in Oz, leaving your missus behind to sort out the 2 massive migration projects and feed the cat
2 - nope - not willing to believe that one for a second
3 - slightly more believable than # 2
4 - you soppy sod
You must be mad mate.
You think i'd trust her with the cat?
5> a 2 week holiday expensive or not, is not something that should be sniffed at. I woke up this morning thinking it was saturday. how terrible i've got 2 more 'get ups' before the weekend!
6> it'll give you a break from the wife to miss her and be excited when returning home with a new look on life and feelings that have been clouded by migration thingys and a charlton relegation battle
7> you'll get to drink stubbies on a beach whilst the rest of us cope with spring showers, occasionally stopping to eat a few shrimps from a barbie
8> you'll be in australia when the world cup starts and be able to rip it out of the aussies as their team of 'stars' will be failing to notch up any good results (I won't mention how i think england will do)
BTW Leroy where are you off to in Oz ?
gloomsville!
10.Kylie is going to bump into you at the aiport, say that she's always had a thing for miserable fat blokes, and reckon you look like a good honest joe who would give her a straight forward opinion on her new lingerie range, if you're not busy with your migration projects that is.
You're jokingly reply 'i should be so lucky', she'll giggle, nudge your arm and say 'you English guys are crazy', before leading you off arm in arm towards the nearest diner, where you'll knock back a strong coffee while she sugestively slurps on a fat-free, non-dairy milkshake.
She'll start off telling you about how she has the desire to get back to acting, how she feels tied to singing due to her loyal gay fanbase, who stayed with her throughout her recent ordeal. Then the conversation will run deeper, the looks will last longer, and culminate with her whispering to you the filthy gymnastic stuff that Michael Hutchence used to make her do, the dirty wrong un. .
you shouldn't laugh at others misfortune tho, not seen kylie yet then?
It was bollocks.
Why on Earth anyone wants to live there I've no idea. Abject shithole.
thats nice you missed your wife, see, that was one of my positive points!
did you bring home a hat with corks on?
No hat with corks on - but I did bring back a little cuddly koala after having my picture taken with one - they are the cutest animals you could ever imagine.
hang on....you brought back a real koala?????
I live just outside Brisbane but have been to Hamilton Island for a couple of weddings and its class, not cheap by Aussie standards mind!
No, if only. It was one of them little cuddly toys that grips onto your rucksack. Brought it for the wife. Which makes me even more of a happy softie I guess...