Please note none of what follows is politically correct nor is it intended to be racially prejudiced. It is to be read in a light hearted manner with an open mind and good humour. It is not intended to be insulting to any part of the community. However If you are easily offended don’t read or comment on the article.br>
Why can’t these new people in London talk proper? All these Scousers, Brummies, Geordies, Jocks and Taffies and most of London can’t talk proper like
wot I duz. Mix it wiv all these bloody foreigners from Eastern Europe and beyond and some of them funny accents from around the world and it’s
a gotta be a wonder we understand each other at all. Stone the crows yer old cockney lingo ain’t wot it used to be cos it seems to be going out of fashion. These days wiv all that Yankee cool talk and that yer man stuff and all the other bits of Reggae words plus the phases we all picked up from foreigners going on holidays to places inhabited by our European friends such as frogs, dagoes, bubbles, spicks, wops, krauts and such like. No wonder when I open me old north and south people look at me Gobsmacked and don’t Adam and Eve it.
At one time everyone in the big smoke of dear old London Town understood one another very clearly. We had our own language didn’t we. We all talked proper
English like wot we all understood. In Charlton we knew how to bunny rabbit proper like.
So let’s get down to some brass tacks. Yer rhyming slang wos invented so that the old coppers didn’t understand wot yer locals was talking about but no problems these days because yer average bobby has got on that much gear such as body armour, a shockproof helmet plus ear defenders and a naffing great shield. Add that to the noise of his swishing asp, truncheon and/or nightstick he wouldn’t hear you if you stood next to him with a Navy Bullhorn at full volume shouting your sodding head off and waving your arms.
So I thought I need to redress the balance and fill this gap in our cultural and social history and get some of you Charlton supporters to appreciate your roots and language of our wonderful city.
So for all me ole china plates out there and fellow Londoners and all who hail from the big smoke lets keep the lingo going. All you young cockneys, non cockneys, Dick Van Dyke, his chimney sweeps and Mary Poppins work this lot out.
As that old great cockney boy Max Bygraves would say “I want to tell you a story”
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Oh no. Whats that??? The dog and bone started ringing and ringing and ringing. I woke from a deep bo peep and opened me mincers. I grabbed the dog. “Hello, Hello son are you there”. Said a voice. It was the old pot and pan. “Coming to the match tonight?
Erm no Dad sorry I arranged to meet someone”. I knew straight away I shouldn’t have had those pigs at lunchtime or the ones last night as a quick butchers at
the dickory dock told me I was running a little late. See you later. Bye. Bye.
After a bit of lord mayoring at myself. A hurried pony and trap and gypsy’s kiss together with a rushed Bob Squash and a dig in the grave, I was ready to dress. On went me best dickie dirt and Peckham Rye tied in a Windsor knot around me Gregory. Out came me best blue whistle and flute. On with me round the houses. Tied me rhythm and blues. A quick flick through the Barnet. Spot of poof juice on the boat race. LUVELLY JUBBLY as me old china Del Boy would say. I promised to take this bird to a real posh nosh restaurant up in the West End and I booked the best Cain and Able next to the Tommy Trinder.
Out I went through the Henry Moore, down the apples and pears and took a lively ball and chalk along the frog and toad. No need to take the jam jar today I thought with all those pigs and a gold watch or two sloshing around inside me Newington Butts. The currant bun was warm so I was glad I didn’t’ bring a weasel and stoat with me. I took a quick butchers at the bottle of scotch. Great, I had made up a bit of bird lime. I raced round the Johnny Horner and through the Noahs ark and got to the toy tank just in time to get some bread and honey which I stuffed in me sky rocket.
Look lively. I rushed into the shop next door and bought some nice red early hours. Roses I think. I’m really looking forward to this date or should I say butcher’s hooking. Anyway I tried to imagine what this girl looked like when I met her in the rub-a-dub the previous evening although I was well Brahms and Liszt or Oliver
twist as some may say. Her Barnet was blonde she had a lovely boat race, blue mince pies, and a lovely shaped fireman’s hose and big Bristol’s.
She had long clothes pegs and an hour glass figure. Wow. This was going to be good !!!
Adam and eve it or not I’d given up Charlton V Millwall match that was on that evening to meet this stunner. I like seeing Charlton score but I thought it would be better if I scored with this one if you know what I mean.
All at once it all went wrong. As I stood there on me Todd watching the passing crowds drifting by this big old fat sort walked up to me and said “hello Billy so where are we going”.
Gasp. Wow. I went into an immediate two and eight and then a sudden titanic grabbed me. My boat race must have been a picture as she stood there looking at me and done a wiggle and everything wobbled including me and the ground beneath me. Use yer loaf I thought. Use yer loaf. It was then the pork pies just started rolling from the north and south. I had to get out of this deep two bob bit.
Nothing against this twist and whirl but I’d rather be brown bread than be seen with her. cont...
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I must have been well elephants trunk last night to have drunk her pretty. I hesitated and said “Erm bad news got these early hours erm roses I think to take to me poor ole skin and blister wots been involved in a bull and cow with a jam jar. Knocked over she was and broke her Chalk farms and crushed her brass bands. Must rush, I’m on me way to the hospital.
With this I give it some toes down the frog and shouted over me Bob Bolder give you a bell on the dog and bone tomorrow. I went over the frog and down an Aunt Sally quickly ditching the embarrassing early hours. Off came the Peckham and I tried to look casual like as I strolled towards the Rose and Crown. Thanks heavens none of my Chinas had seen me with that little lady. In my rush I should have seen that big cherry hogs Richard the third which was now all over my nice rhythm and blues giving off an unpleasant pen and ink.
Soon as I opened the Henry Moore to the Jack Tarr of The Rose and Crown. I knew something was up. All me puppy tails were there having a good tin bath and pointing at me.
Ha Ha Ha. We set you up. We set you up they repeated. Look behind you that’s your real date and the girl you met last night. I looked around and there she was as stunning as I remembered. Lovely smile with nice Hampsteads and such a pretty boat race.
But who was the girl I just met by the Noahs Ark???
Ha Ha Ha. We set you. We set you up they all chorused.That’s Big Belinda. She’s big bellied, big breasted and big arsed from the local kiss– a – gram. She will do anything for a laugh and a bit of bread and honey of course.
Ten minutes later in came Belinda puffing and panting. Cor blimey mate you called Bolt you were faster than the 100 metres champion. Entering the 2012 Olympics are you ???. Then she laughed I laughed and everyone was tin bathing. Hope yer skin and blister is ok Belinda said with a knowing wink.
Lets all go to the match!!!
Moral of the story never ever get so Oliver Twist you don’t know what you’re doing and never judge people by their appearance. I ended up ditching the good looker and I have now been happily married for many many years.
Who’s my trouble and strife ??? Well Belinda of course !!!
Onelast thing – Try to talk proper just like what I duz – London could be a better place if we all had the same culture, spoke the same language and understood one another. Palace and Millwall excluded of course. I could never understand them.
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Folev the red said:
Spent all my life in the Essex/East London borderline. All my mates are West Ham through and through, and my accent is as cockney as it can be.
I tried to post this long thread but had to do it in three parts because the website will only take so many characters. All three parts got well separated because of other posters and it become nonsense.
Some of you may have missed the message but thanks to the admin at CL they have managed to it together.
Not only can' t I talk proper I can't write proper and can't post proper