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Brighten up a mundane Monday morning ......

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat
drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and
orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did
for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second.

They continued to debate the subject for a good while until
eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking
in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a
smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder
said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along,
"Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a
bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden."
The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which
means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume
that you are married..."

The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you
don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the builder exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical
science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've
discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your
family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.

On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart
bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist.
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a
goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a tosser then!"


  • Queen Elizabeth and

    Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
    before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

    Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
    so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

    The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

    Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these,
    they're the most perfect breasts

    God ever created,

    and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,for eternity.'

    The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

    The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

    drinks it down.

    Then wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

    The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

    Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

    I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

    She wees into a toilet and she gets in!

    Would you explain that to me?'

    'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

    a Royal Flush

    beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.
  • A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

    The driver says,
    'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating..'

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

    The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

    The officer frowns and says,
    'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

    The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

    The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

    I love this part.... :

    'Only when he's been drinking.'
  • *Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge

    around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.


    > Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other

    > residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.


    > One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and

    Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

    > Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper


    held it up to him.

    > "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.


    > As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold

    > popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of

    > insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and

    > held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."


    > As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front

    > of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.


    > "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test

    > again.!!!"
  • Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

    One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

    "What?", she asks.
    "Sex!!" he replies.
    Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
    "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
    Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
    Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

    Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

    She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood!

    Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
    Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
  • Little Johnny went up to his father and said, "Dad, the teacher gave
    >> us
    >> an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and
    >> realistically. Can you help me?" The father thought for a moment, then
    >> answered. "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a
    >> million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
    >> for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad
    >> Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from
    >> that." So little Johnny went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
    >> with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I
    >> would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you
    >> kids to a great University. Little Johnny then went to his sister and
    >> asked. Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl
    >> replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a
    >> heartbeat, are you nuts?" Little Johnny then went to his brother and
    >> asked. "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of
    >> course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would
    >> buy?" Little Johnny pondered the answers for a few days, then went back
    >> to his dad. His father asked him. Did you find out the difference between
    >> potentially and realistically?" Little Johnny replied, "Yes...
    >> Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million
    >> dollars.............. But Realistically,.........we're living wit two
    >> sluts and a queer."
  • A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at
    his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting all
    alone at a nearby table.
    He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive
    bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she
    accepts it, she is his.
    The waiter gets the bottle and quickly brings it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there.
    She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. Her
    note reads:
    For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in
    your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches
    in your pants."
    The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of
    his own back to her. His note reads: "Just so you know, I
    happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850, and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage. I have over
    twenty five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."
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Roland Out!