Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, lived a beautiful princess in a castle, called Suzi Sausage. Except it wasn’t a castle, it was a loft conversion flat, and it wasn’t far, far away, it was just off Lee High Street. And Suzi was not a princess.
Suzi lived with her three sisters, MariaCAFC, Curb It and KBsLittleSis. MariaCAFC was quiet, and rarely said much, but the other two mercifully bullied Suzi. They were middle-aged, and jealous of Suzi’s youth.
Curb It: Where’s my feckin drawers ? I told you to wash them, I’ve worn them for a week now. And why haven’t you washed the feckin floor, you feckin eejit
Suzi spent all her time doing chores for the other three sisters. One day, they drove her to the Sainsburys in Charlton, so Suzi could buy all their cakes. When they returned to the car, there were three flyers on the windscreen of their car.
KBsLittleSis: Look at this girls, invites to a New Years Eve party down the Trafalgar in Greenwich. And its going to be fancy dress. And the handsome Prince Stone is going to be there !
All the girls started jumping up and down with excitement. While Suzi was cheering, she noticed the other three sisters had stopped, and were staring at her.
Curb It: What yee feckin cheerin for ? There’s only tree invites here, one, two, tree. My arse does it say anything about you feckin coming. Why would Prince Stone want to meet a no-good eejit like you ? Besides, you’d be too feckin tired after making our tree costumes.
Suzi went home and cried herself to sleep. Everyone she had ever met would be at the party. Suzi was really into music, and her favourite bands, Steps and the Cheeky Girls, were going to be playing live. How she wished to go. She kept trying to call her best friend Les Says, but he was always in the pub with his mobile switched off.
Over the next few days, Suzi worked non-stop on making the costumes for her other sisters. MariaCAFC was going as a nurse in a skimpy outfit, KBsLittleSis was going as a ballerina (slightly OTT Suzi thought, given her advanced years). Curb It was going as a traffic warden.
Curb It: Where’s me feckin hat ? You’ve got two hours to make me a feckin hat, ya evil shyster. If I don’t get my hat, you won’t be getting a parking ticket, you’ll get a feckin headlock, I tell thee
Suzi quickly worked hard and made the hat just in time as the moody mini cab turned up outside. Without a goodbye, the girls were off and Suzi slumped to the floor in despair and started crying again.
Suzi: Why me ? Why does nobody love me ? All I do is work and work for my sisters, when will anything exciting happen to me ?
Suddenly, a puff of smoke appeared from the plasma screen on the wall, and out jumped an enormous figure. Very butch, and appeared to be wearing a wig and some badly put on make up. It spoke with a very deep voice:
1905: Alright Sooz, how’s it going ? My name is 1905, and I’m you’re umm, fairy godmother
Suzi jumped up excitedly, but then paused….
Suzi: Oh fairy godmother, are you really a women ?
1905: Not really luv, but I do enjoy dressing up, and these stockings are smooth silk and feel fantastic. I can’t help it. You won’t tell anyone will you ?
Suzi: No of course not, I’m just grateful you’re here. Have I done something wrong ?
1905: Not at all love. I’ve seen how hard you’re working and getting grief for it. I’ve come to make all your dreams come true. You have one wish, and one wish only. And whatever you wish will come true. There are two catches though.
Suzi: Of course ! Of course ! What are they ?
1905: Firstly, you’ve got to let me have seven of those mince pies over there.
Suzi: Of course ! Of course ! What is the second.
1905: You’ve got let me use you’re bidet. This thong is really starting to dig in.
Suzi pointed 1905 in the direction of the toilets and started to put his mince pies into a Tupperware pot. Her own fairygodmot…, we’ll what ever he/she was. How exciting. Nothing like this had ever happened to Suzi before. 1905 came back from the toilets walking a lot more freely.
1905: Right luv, that’s better. Have you decided what you’re gonna wish shall be ?
Suzi: Oh yes fairy godmmmmother. I wish more than anything to go to the ball and meet Prince Stone. But there is a problem, I do not have a fancy dress costume.
1905: That’s alright luv, I’ve got a few spare outfits yourself, if you know what I mean. What do you wish to go as ?
Suzi: How I’d love to be a princes fairy godmother.
1905: Princess it is then luv. And I’ll even sort out a black cab to take you there.
With that 1905 pulled out his wand. Suzi was infatuated with it. She had never seen a wand before, but she expected it to be a lot longer. And certainly without a kink in the middle. 1905 waved it around for quite a while, then suddenly a puff of smoke appeared and he/she was gone. Suzi sat speechless, it must of all been a dream. Then suddenly she heard a toot from outside. She looked out the window and a black cab was waiting. It can’t be true, surely ? Suzi ran to the mirror and did not recognise herself. She was dressed like a princess and was the most beautiful girl in the world.
Suzi is going to the ball !!!
End of Part 1
Find out on Friday what happens when Suzi gets to the ball.
What characters is she likely to meet at the party ?
Will the handsome Prince Stone be infatuated with her, or will he already of copped off with some tart in the bogs ?
I would strongly suggest people being nice to me over the next couple of days !!!
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Comments
snow white and the 7 dwarfs? that counts 1905 and henry out!
Thank you Medders for bringing my attention to this!!
AFKA - Your the best person anyone could meet and I'll buy you a drink or 3 or 4 when I see you next!! (so be nice to me in the second chapter!!!!)
What I have I done recently to upset you? :-)
"but she expected it to be a lot longer. And certainly without a kink in the middle."
You seem to have researched this very well ;-)
Was Curb-it meant to be Irish?
i am irish henry! well a plastic...
i await with baited breath for the next installment.
Thats the funniest thing I've read in ages!!!! However, the thought of me in a tu tu is making me feel a trifle unwell (nothing to do with the copious amounts of Chablis I drank last night of course).
Keep it up AFKA ;-)
Sis in a tu tu though, I you sure the world was ready for such mental images?
Oh and 1905, you'd better wash that thong before I get it back!!!!
not the thought i wanted after my christmas lunch...
would you rather of been the traffic warden ?
anyone with justifiable gripes so far should be 1905....
how have Curb_it & I come out of this ok....................you've effectively called us the Ugly Sisters!!!!!!
am sulking :-(
what have i started...
good job i didn't try Puss in Boots
I am just looking forward to you taking one or two other Lifers to the fecking cleaners. Do your worst . ...................................
he's a one isnt he... the little brad pitt lookey likey!
thats it.................coffee's gone all over the keyboard!!!!!!!!!!!