6:00 Alarm 6:30 Massive, satisfying dump while reading the sports section 7:00 Breakfast - steak and eggs, coffee and toast - all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot. 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Couple of ice-cold beers en route to the airport 9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet - finest Scotch served in Baccarat crystal sniffer from green-eyed redhead with huge tits 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club 9:45 Play front nine (2 under par) 11:45 Lunch -steak and lobster, couple of ice-cold beers and bottle of Dom Peringon 12:20 Breaking News: Ed Balls discovered to be on Maylaysia flight 370 12:30 Play back nine (4 under) 2:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskeys) 2:30 Fly to Bahamas 2:40 News Flash: Nicola Sturgeon’s plane shot down over Syria, apprehended by Isis 3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot 4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs)-on light tackle 5:00 Fly home, massage by naked Elle Macpherson 6:45 Shit, shower and shave 6:55 News Flash: Ed Milliband Announced as Britain’s 3rd Ebola victim 7:00 Watch news – Alex Salmond assassinated 7:30 Dinner - lobster appetizers, Dom Peringon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits 9:40 News Flash: Nigel Farage and entourage missing after a speaking engagement in Liverpool 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ice-cold beer 11:30 Night-cap - 11:35 Nick Clegg resigns 11:45 In bed alone 11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room 11:51 Can't wait for tomorrow !
Yes, it's long, but since when have the fantasies of a borderline alcoholic been a joke?
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?” God answered, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?”
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter got married he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be gay. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.--- Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! .... and anyway you're running for President of the United States. Act like one
Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
I was watching the news today when the presenter said; "A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."
A rugby player was hurt very badly during a scrum and he had both of his ears ripped off. Since he was permanently disfigured, he decided to give up playing Rugby for good. His club and insurance company ensured that a large sum of money went his way.
One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business. He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, realized that he knew nothing about business. He decided to employ someone to run the shop.
The next day he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. At the end of the interview, the former rugby player asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And the man replied, “Why, yes, I couldn’t help noticing you have no ears.” The rugby player got angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” He got upset again and showed her the door.
The third and last interview was with the best of the three. He was a very young man fresh out of college. He was smart and handsome and seemed to know all about the sportswear business.
The Rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the young man answered: “Yes, you wear contact lenses.”
The former rugby player was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man you are.
How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears.”
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"
> A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver > won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he > staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." > She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. > When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a > chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing > you could say or ask that I would find offensive." > > "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." > She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: > 1, you have to be single and 2 you must be Catholic." > > The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" > OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" > He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. > > But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. > > "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" > > "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." > > The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her. She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you???!!! ..... I can't believe this ! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault!!! YOUR FAULT!!! Well, what have you got to say???" There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone. She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!" Finally, she hears Bill's very, very, quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says,
Daughter to Dad ... TEXTING Communication in today’s Generation
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp,he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding." Lots of love and thanks,Your favorite daughter, Lilly
Dads reply ....also by texting
My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."
(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
(7) I'm older and wiser now, and I'm looking for a girl with big tits
Comments
What do you call a bagel trained in martial arts?
Judo
I want to see the look on my girlfriends face when I ride pasta.
It's a Psi Phi
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
Never. I must admit I never saw that interpretation. I think it's just meant to be light-hearted humour?
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?”
God replied, “I didn't recognize you.”
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter got married he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be gay. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him.--- Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! .... and anyway you're running for President of the United States.
Act like one
it was an autopsy turvey
I'll get my coat
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?" "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sunny: "What's that?"
Tina: "A condom."
Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"
Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"
The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.
The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted.
"Sorry Mr Mouse but I'm afraid protruding teeth are not grounds for a divorce."
Mickey replied;
"That is not what I meant when I said 'she is fucking Goofy,'!"
The correct way to react when a monkey climbs on your car in a safari park.
Gary, you filthy bastard!!
One day, he decided to invest his money in a small but growing sportswear business. He bought the company outright but after signing on the dotted line, realized that he knew nothing about business. He decided to employ someone to run the shop.
The next day he set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very enthusiastic. At the end of the interview, the former rugby player asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
And the man replied, “Why, yes, I couldn’t help noticing you have no ears.” The rugby player got angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.” He got upset again and showed her the door.
The third and last interview was with the best of the three. He was a very young man fresh out of college. He was smart and handsome and seemed to know all about the sportswear business.
The Rugby player was anxious, but went ahead and asked him the same question: “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise the young man answered: “Yes, you wear contact lenses.”
The former rugby player was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man you are.
How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, “Well, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with no flipping ears.”
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"
Piece of cake.
> A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
> won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he
> staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
> She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
> When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a
> chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing
> you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
>
> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
> 1, you have to be single and 2 you must be Catholic."
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
> OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"
> He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
>
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>
> "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
>
> "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
>
> The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant.
She is furious! Here she is about to run for President and this has happened to her.
She calls Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!
How could you???!!! ..... I can't believe this !
I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault!!!
YOUR FAULT!!!
Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the end of the phone.
She screams again, "DID YOU HEAR ME???!!!"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very, quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says,
"Who is this?
Daughter to Dad ... TEXTING Communication in today’s Generation
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp,he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."
Lots of love and thanks,Your favorite daughter,
Lilly
Dads reply ....also by texting
My Dear Lilly:
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango,
buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get
fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
L.O.L. (lots of love),
Daddy...
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."
(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
(7) I'm older and wiser now, and I'm looking for a girl with big tits