January
Sam Allardyce hires a new man to his coaching staff, bringing the total to just over half the average gate at St James's. The latest recruit is Jonny Wilkinson. 'We need someone who can help us get the ball higher and further up the pitch' says Sam sagely.
Joey Barton takes a course in anger management and manages to anger everyone. Newcastle finally lose patience with him and, without much expectation, put him on the transfer list. West Ham buy him.
The transfer window closes and Liverpool are delighted with their coups. They have bagged some top strikers: Thingywotsit, ermm... that lad from you-know and the left-sided kid from Atletico Doo-dah. "Hardly the best a man can get," growls Mr Gillett.
An unprecedented number of Premier League footballers' homes are burgled. Police say there are some common peculiarities to the crimes: most of the homes belong to African players - and most of them seem only to have had their passports stolen.
The European Figure Skating Championships in Zagreb are abandoned for two reasons: one, global warming and two; it's not sport, it's a load of jessying about.
February
The Superbowl XLII is moved to Wembley. England have to play Switzerland there three days later so it's the perfect opportunity to get the pitch looking like it's been attacked by Joey Barton on a rotavator.
Rugby's Six Nations begins. England select Andrew Sheridan as their only forward against Wales and win due to the momentum they got from their pack. It's a dull old game, though, and two fans called Catty and Lol are seen leading chants of "You don't know what you're doing!"
Chelsea beat Arsenal in the Carling Cup Final with two goals by Drogba. Ashley Cole explains that his latest gesture to the Arsenal fans was merely to indicate how many goals his team had won by.
March
In the Champions League, Celtic fail to progress, but Liverpool beat Inter with a last minute goal from Thingywotsit.
The Boat Race is abandoned due to sabotage. Some unruly oik has put a hole in both boats and halfway round the teams start to sink. A bunch of Teesside ruffians are seen celebrating on Putney Bridge. Oxford win on account of them being the first ones to swim to the bank. It's the best boat race ever.
England's cricketers lose the three-Test series in New Zealand. Coach Moores says "We are a team in transition and we're looking at a five-year plan." The translation of which is: "We are right cack at the moment."
April
I back the winner in the Grand National (based entirely on the law of averages, it's got to be my year).
The World Snooker Championship is won by Ronnie O'Sullivan, who then declares he's fallen out of love with the game, but he really loves it and "anyway this could be me last season but I love the game and I dunno what I'd do if it weren't for snooker" etc, etc....
Angel Cabrera is denied victory at the US Masters after he carelessly stubs out a ciggie on Tiger's line on the last hole. (Ha'way man, we've all done it).
Pompey finally score at home, after inviting Reading over for a kickabout.
May
Premier League Champs - Man United... they celebrate in unusual style by going out with their wives and girlfriends.
Relegated - call me a dreamer but Derby might just drop. Then I'd add Wigan and GoesUnderland.
FA Cup Winners - well it looked like it was going to be Manchester City but they get beat in the quarter-finals on penalties after taking an early lead. So you know what, sod it, Boro win it! Yeah! Why not!? With goals from Tuncay and... ermm... all right with a goal from Tuncay and a doughty defensive performance... sigh. Even I can't talk meself into that one. I'll go for Villa.
The Champions League is won in Moscow by Chelsea with a fantastic winning goal by Andriy Shevchenko. He celebrates by climbing Pat Cash like over the seats to embrace the club's owner.
The Blues fans launch into a rendition of 'If you all love Avram clap your hands!' Then Roman wakes up and realises the Carling Cup's all he's mustered and that Real Madrid have in fact won it by beating Man U in the final.
June
Woo-hoo! It's Euro 2008 and while some people pebble-dash the iron-gates of England's finest footballers with the second carton of soft fruit from the inevitable supermarket two-for-one offers, the rest of you cosy up to your remotes with a footballing feast on your minds.
But the winners are... Germany, who beat Austria 2-0. No one minds this time 'cos they're a bit flamboyant and entertaining and not very Worksprung durch technik at all.
But the best news is that we don't have to listen to Ultravox's bloody Vienna again.
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