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How much work do you do around the house?

Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough.

To give you a general idea of where i am, I quit my job 2 years ago and went self employed working from home. Everything was fine until we had a little one 6 months ago.

Before, i would work during the day and when i needed to take a break, would clean the house, put washing on etc.

However, now the little guy is about, I constantly get little reminders of what i need to do. Little pokes going can you do this and can you hold the baby for a bit. I dont mind but im trying to work. So now i work from about 10pm as soon as theyve gone to bed till 4 or 5 most nights (when i hear him crying, i still go up and see to him through out the night). Then up at 8 to walk the dog. I feel my mental health is taking a beating and nothing i do seems to be good enough.

So yesterday, i got told that i have been volunteered to be my father in laws chauffeur for the day today. He lives abroud and only flys in to use the nhs so i have to take him to all his appointments. Not asked, told. And the father in laws attitude is very much the same as my wifes. Im just sat about all day at home doing nothing so i might as well make myself useful.

I asked why his own son couldnt take him. Oh hes busy at work...

When i told my wife, thats when she said i need to help her more around the house.

In the last 2 days, ive done 3 lots of washing with 1 lot in now, ironed, folded and put away, hoovered the house, cooked and washed up last night, cleaned the cars this morning (daddy cant go in a dirty car), mowed the grass, walked the dog and taken my boy round his nannys. If she gets up soon, ill also change the bed. All while working all night to pay all the bills.

Am i unreasonable to think im doing my fair share or am i slacking?
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Comments

  • Would definitely say she's the slacker... Have you tried talking to her listing everything that you do, and everything you dont do.

    i.e. If ever my wife tries it I just remind her the only thing I dont do in the house is the washing - Mainly because I havent a clue how to use the Washing Machine (genuine excuse) yet put in effort by helping with everything else (which is shared)
  • You should do the washing FA - it's a piece of piss...

    No Blinkant, you do more than your fair share. As FA says, list what you do, and what you don't do, but I would bill up what you don't do, as what she does, if you get my drift - just looks a bit more "positive"?
  • what is the missus doing when you are doing this ?

    does she have a job for instance ?
  • Blinkant said:

    Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough.

    To give you a general idea of where i am, I quit my job 2 years ago and went self employed working from home. Everything was fine until we had a little one 6 months ago.

    Before, i would work during the day and when i needed to take a break, would clean the house, put washing on etc.

    However, now the little guy is about, I constantly get little reminders of what i need to do. Little pokes going can you do this and can you hold the baby for a bit. I dont mind but im trying to work. So now i work from about 10pm as soon as theyve gone to bed till 4 or 5 most nights (when i hear him crying, i still go up and see to him through out the night). Then up at 8 to walk the dog. I feel my mental health is taking a beating and nothing i do seems to be good enough.

    So yesterday, i got told that i have been volunteered to be my father in laws chauffeur for the day today. He lives abroud and only flys in to use the nhs so i have to take him to all his appointments. Not asked, told. And the father in laws attitude is very much the same as my wifes. Im just sat about all day at home doing nothing so i might as well make myself useful.

    I asked why his own son couldnt take him. Oh hes busy at work...

    When i told my wife, thats when she said i need to help her more around the house.

    In the last 2 days, ive done 3 lots of washing with 1 lot in now, ironed, folded and put away, hoovered the house, cooked and washed up last night, cleaned the cars this morning (daddy cant go in a dirty car), mowed the grass, walked the dog and taken my boy round his nannys. If she gets up soon, ill also change the bed. All while working all night to pay all the bills.

    Am i unreasonable to think im doing my fair share or am i slacking?

    Tell her to move out. Get a 23rd old Thai bird to move in, pay her a couple of quid and she will do everything.
    Or in your case, a ladyboy
  • Sounds like the line between housework and job have been blurred, so now anything around the house is your's to do whenever it needs doing. I could never work from home - I'd be too easily distracted with everyday stuff.

    Perhaps you need to re-establish "work time" separately from housework and odd jobs - from 10am to 1pm you are "at work" and nothing other than your job is done then. It's just a small rule but stops people taking advantage of your all day availability for their own use.
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  • edited October 2017
    Sounds to me as if she has difficulty in understanding the twin concepts of self employment and working at home being actual 'work' and the fact that you do not travel to an office, factory or drive off in a works van does not mean you are not working.

    She got used to you doing chores during your working day in the equivalent of your 'lunch hour'prior to the baby's arrival and now expects it of right.

    You need to give her a clear choice: Either she accepts a drop in income as you will be renting premises elsewhere so you can work a more conventional day or she adopts a more reasonable attitude to your work situation.

    The comment about the father's own son being 'busy at work' says it all. She (they) has no concept of what you do and needs to be educated.

  • All of it.

    ;o)
  • edited October 2017

    Blinkant said:

    Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough.

    To give you a general idea of where i am, I quit my job 2 years ago and went self employed working from home. Everything was fine until we had a little one 6 months ago.

    Before, i would work during the day and when i needed to take a break, would clean the house, put washing on etc.

    However, now the little guy is about, I constantly get little reminders of what i need to do. Little pokes going can you do this and can you hold the baby for a bit. I dont mind but im trying to work. So now i work from about 10pm as soon as theyve gone to bed till 4 or 5 most nights (when i hear him crying, i still go up and see to him through out the night). Then up at 8 to walk the dog. I feel my mental health is taking a beating and nothing i do seems to be good enough.

    So yesterday, i got told that i have been volunteered to be my father in laws chauffeur for the day today. He lives abroud and only flys in to use the nhs so i have to take him to all his appointments. Not asked, told. And the father in laws attitude is very much the same as my wifes. Im just sat about all day at home doing nothing so i might as well make myself useful.

    I asked why his own son couldnt take him. Oh hes busy at work...

    When i told my wife, thats when she said i need to help her more around the house.

    In the last 2 days, ive done 3 lots of washing with 1 lot in now, ironed, folded and put away, hoovered the house, cooked and washed up last night, cleaned the cars this morning (daddy cant go in a dirty car), mowed the grass, walked the dog and taken my boy round his nannys. If she gets up soon, ill also change the bed. All while working all night to pay all the bills.

    Am i unreasonable to think im doing my fair share or am i slacking?

    Tell her to move out. Get a 23rd old Thai bird to move in, pay her a couple of quid and she will do everything.
    Or in your case, a ladyboy
    FFS - only took 2 mins to get that one in mehmet.
    Times I've heard that.
    Surely the wife doesn’t call you Mehmet?
  • "Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough."

    Well, she's got that wrong. You're not "helping her" you are doing your share, or not, of looking after your own house and child.

    I work from home a couple of days a week so on those days I tidy up, do the washing and the washing up and get some shopping. No big deal, it's my house and my wifes, my clothes, and hers, so why shouldn't I? She works in a far more stressful job that mine not that that matters.

    Then again I didn't leave my mum's house and move straight in with my wife so I can manage difficult tasks like ironing and using the washing machine all on my own : - )
  • Blinkant said:

    Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough.

    To give you a general idea of where i am, I quit my job 2 years ago and went self employed working from home. Everything was fine until we had a little one 6 months ago.

    Before, i would work during the day and when i needed to take a break, would clean the house, put washing on etc.

    However, now the little guy is about, I constantly get little reminders of what i need to do. Little pokes going can you do this and can you hold the baby for a bit. I dont mind but im trying to work. So now i work from about 10pm as soon as theyve gone to bed till 4 or 5 most nights (when i hear him crying, i still go up and see to him through out the night). Then up at 8 to walk the dog. I feel my mental health is taking a beating and nothing i do seems to be good enough.

    So yesterday, i got told that i have been volunteered to be my father in laws chauffeur for the day today. He lives abroud and only flys in to use the nhs so i have to take him to all his appointments. Not asked, told. And the father in laws attitude is very much the same as my wifes. Im just sat about all day at home doing nothing so i might as well make myself useful.

    I asked why his own son couldnt take him. Oh hes busy at work...

    When i told my wife, thats when she said i need to help her more around the house.

    In the last 2 days, ive done 3 lots of washing with 1 lot in now, ironed, folded and put away, hoovered the house, cooked and washed up last night, cleaned the cars this morning (daddy cant go in a dirty car), mowed the grass, walked the dog and taken my boy round his nannys. If she gets up soon, ill also change the bed. All while working all night to pay all the bills.

    Am i unreasonable to think im doing my fair share or am i slacking?

    Tell her to move out. Get a 23rd old Thai bird to move in, pay her a couple of quid and she will do everything.
    Or in your case, a ladyboy
    FFS - only took 2 mins to get that one in mehmet.
    Times I've heard that.
    Surely the wife doesn’t call you Mehmet?
    I want to know what Mehmet calls her, after she's got rid of his porn stash.

  • Communication is the key. Don't be tempted to try spelling it all out when you've just been barked at for some imagined indiscretion. Spell it out as calmly and as matter of factly as you can, her perception will inevitably be unrecognisable from yours.

    As for the in-laws, leave bringing them up to speed until you've got through to your Mrs

    The discipline for working from home can take some learning, I do but I'm no natural, indeed the chores can seem much more appealing than the work which pays the bills. We never like our work to impinge on family/home time but when we work away from the home we are more easily perceived as being "at work" and if that means long hours, so be it. Creating some kind of 'at work' when home is no easy thing for us as the worker, let alone for our cohabitees but establishing that is essential.

    Good luck
  • edited October 2017
    Bossing people around and moaning can also be a symptom of some underlying loss of control, possibly associated with the newborn as post-natal stress or depression. Your wife is making you do things she could easily be doing herself, might be a sign of her own problems. I'm by no means a medical professional but my sister exhibited similar signs of being highly-strung which turned out to be associated with her struggling to cope. And when people are struggling they tend to lash out or take it out on those closest to them.
  • Communication is key.
    You need to talk, not argue, about what a fair division is. What your worktime is. And any other factor - like being 'volunteered' for errands that are not anything to do with you, unless you offer.
    Hopefully you can both compromise where necessary.
    Good luck.
  • edited October 2017
    Maybe talk to her in a calm reasonable way. You're both under stress with massive life change of a new child and your missus has only recently had the baby and really easy to forget that and let resentment creep in so maybe talk calmly when you both get a chance.

    Failing that just leave your laptop somewhere she'll see it with this thread open and a pop up for thai brides as advised by @ricky_otto and hopefully she'll get her act together.

    Tell your father in law to butt out and if he gets lemon open the car door on one of your taxi trips to the hospital and push him out whilst en route so he gets the message as he rolls along the tarmac rueing the day he ever dared cross you.

    Ultimately, at the end of the day they'll all respect you for this approach and you can go back to being unfettered king of your (tidy) castle.
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  • Every week, without fail, I do the fluffy dustering, polish the kitchen cupboards, ironing and shopping. Yes, I’m a modern man
  • lolwray said:

    what is the missus doing when you are doing this ?

    does she have a job for instance ?

    I'm waiting for an answer to this before putting my oar in.

    Whist I was married to wife no 2 & mother to my 3 kids & mainly worked in an office which was no more than a 30 min car drive. I used to take the kids to nursery or to primary school in the mornings, bath them at night, put them to bed & read them stories. Also did the washing & the ironing. I think that was about right & fair.
  • Firstly, if you feel like you arent doing enough then you're not. This doesn't apply to you.

    Secondly, you have given an inch, then another, then another. Now you've lost a mile and there's only going to be one self- indulgent lazy arsehole in your attempt to just do what's fair.

    Am i bitter? Maybe. But only when i'm allowed to be
  • "Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough."

    Well, she's got that wrong. You're not "helping her" you are doing your share, or not, of looking after your own house and child.

    I work from home a couple of days a week so on those days I tidy up, do the washing and the washing up and get some shopping. No big deal, it's my house and my wifes, my clothes, and hers, so why shouldn't I? She works in a far more stressful job that mine not that that matters.

    Then again I didn't leave my mum's house and move straight in with my wife so I can manage difficult tasks like ironing and using the washing machine all on my own : - )

    I'll do almost anything around the house - cook, load the dishwasher, hoovering, might even stretch to loading the washing machine. But ironing?? Are you mad? That's way beyond my capability - I couldn't even iron a tea towel.
  • bobmunro said:

    "Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough."

    Well, she's got that wrong. You're not "helping her" you are doing your share, or not, of looking after your own house and child.

    I work from home a couple of days a week so on those days I tidy up, do the washing and the washing up and get some shopping. No big deal, it's my house and my wifes, my clothes, and hers, so why shouldn't I? She works in a far more stressful job that mine not that that matters.

    Then again I didn't leave my mum's house and move straight in with my wife so I can manage difficult tasks like ironing and using the washing machine all on my own : - )

    I'll do almost anything around the house - cook, load the dishwasher, hoovering, might even stretch to loading the washing machine. But ironing?? Are you mad? That's way beyond my capability - I couldn't even iron a tea towel.
    It's a skill that only real men can master and if I didn't do it I'd never have ironed shirts to wear. Do it watching the telly and it's fine.

    anyway must go, got to cook my lunch.
  • bobmunro said:

    "Just a general idea please, as this morning my wife told me i dont help her enough."

    Well, she's got that wrong. You're not "helping her" you are doing your share, or not, of looking after your own house and child.

    I work from home a couple of days a week so on those days I tidy up, do the washing and the washing up and get some shopping. No big deal, it's my house and my wifes, my clothes, and hers, so why shouldn't I? She works in a far more stressful job that mine not that that matters.

    Then again I didn't leave my mum's house and move straight in with my wife so I can manage difficult tasks like ironing and using the washing machine all on my own : - )

    I'll do almost anything around the house - cook, load the dishwasher, hoovering, might even stretch to loading the washing machine. But ironing?? Are you mad? That's way beyond my capability - I couldn't even iron a tea towel.
    It's a skill that only real men can master and if I didn't do it I'd never have ironed shirts to wear. Do it watching the telly and it's fine.

    anyway must go, got to cook my lunch.
    Non-iron shirts are the way to go.

    Either that or just iron the collar and wear a cardigan.
  • I do everything....the cat isn't much help.
  • The only thing she does around the house and the card she always plays is the baby card. Tbf she does do a lot and it is probably a good 80% her. I do bath, and feed and change him when im about, but she picks up the slack when i am doing other things so maybe i do need to spend more time doing baby stuff.

    Work wise she left her job when the baby was born and i pay for everything. Im not bothered about that. I bought the house before i met her and always paid the bills and so its always been the done thing. I just need to pay for things like her phone and car and a bit of pocket money now. I thought it might be this loss of independence around money but she said she doesnt want to go back to work.

    I worked 15 years in banking. Hated every second of it but made a nice bit of money and paid my house off. Now im trying to follow my dream of working in films/computer games etc. I currently am a freelance writer for magazines and websites and now and again do testing for games. I think this is where the 'dont really work' comes from. People see me playing games or watching a film and think im not doing anything. They dont take notice of the pad with 10 pages of notes on it.

    Some good advice though guys, some thinking for me to do...
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