I walked into Travis Perkins at lunchtime yesterday, and some old guy dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and dropped the fucker.
I went to a Susan Boyle concert dressed as a vampire once. In between her songs she noted I "looked a right count" in front of my dear old nan. I drop kicked her out of an open window
Said to McCrirrick once that I can't stand your pathetic ramblings and I'm going to lamp you. Where would you prefer to be hit? He shrieked " top of the head, top of the head"
I got Chris Evans in a bear hug once in a comedy club down Greenwich, he came down the stairs and I shouted "CHRISSY" and went over and gave him a massive cuddle! He then said to me "How can I refuse an offer like that" and gave me a massive cuddle back! There then was an awkward silence for about 2-4 seconds (seemed like 2-4 hours) and we went our separate ways, until we found ourselves next to each other at the bar and he bought me a large rum and coke! That is a true story and I promise NEVER to repeat it again on this forum!
Played cricket with Jimmy Saville once, he was sledging me from the slips so when it was his turn to open the batting I persuaded the skipper to let me have the first over and sent a bouncer down right into his rib cage, his cigar popped out and fell onto the bails.........Howz about that then!
Some years ago I was fortunate enough to meet my favourite actress, Meryl Streep, at a fancy dress function for charidee. I'd gone as a mythical royal who had tried to hold back the sea. She remarked that I looked like a canute. As my great aunt was there with an unborn child so I was forced to kick Streep in the fanny. She went down like a sack of spuds and I had it on my toes.
Some years ago I was fortunate enough to meet my favourite actress, Meryl Streep, at a fancy dress function for charidee. I'd gone as a mythical royal who had tried to hold back the sea. She remarked that I looked like a canute. As my great aunt was there with an unborn child so I was forced to kick Streep in the fanny. She went down like a sack of spuds and I had it on my toes.
Who wants to punch a millionaire? I don't! Tell trashy stories everywhere? I don't! Who gets the humour of a charlton lifethread? A charlton lifethread would get in my head! Who wants to wallow in some shame? I don't! Who wants some mock ironic fame? I don't! And I don't 'cos all I want is feeeeesh.
Who wants to punch a millionaire? I don't! Who wants his anus in the air? I don't! Who wants to earn his own charlton life thread? do I want a thread? Oh how I do not! Who wants to lamp one on a star? I don't! Who wants the ire of c lifers? I don't! Who wants a violent charity do? I don't! Cos all I want is feeeeeeesh.
Who wants to punch a millionaire? I don't! And see his face swell up everywhere? I don't! Who wants to hide behind a bloody facade? A bloody facade acting all hard? No sir. Who wants to trade on violence? I don't! Or ride in michael jacksons ambulance? I don't! Or run whitney houston a bath? I don't! And I don't 'cos all I want is feeeesssshhh!
'ad that Roy Castle in a two-fingered choke a while back (while he was looking the other way, mind) - smashed one of me nan's old Vera Lynn discs. Loveable presenter he may have been but I swear I'll do time if he tries another Record Breakers round our place.
I've a cutting (with photos) of the melee following me biting a packet of Halls after it made my dear old Mum choke. I had to run like a bastard though as it went menthol.
Back in my playing days in the late 80s, I was known as a bit of a hatchet man. We had a cup tie with Arsenal, and the Manager had a quiet word with me before the game... Come kick-off, I spotted a bald, sickly looking bloke in the crowd playing a trumpet. I climbed up into the stands & kicked the crap out of him. The Manager went mental. He said "NO you stupid bastard - I said take out Rocastle!"
Was over in Munich for the beer festival queueing for buffet lunch. Had my eye on some tasty looking rollmops however and ex german football international player spanish fiddlered me, jumped in and dyson'd the lot. Grabbed the nearest thing to hand, pot of yoghurt, and smashed it in his face. Mullered him. Had on me dancers sharpish over the border to Innsbruck for a couple of years till the dust settled. Made my way back to the smoke and a heroes reception down the allotment.
Comments
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and dropped the fucker.
I don't!
Tell trashy stories everywhere?
I don't!
Who gets the humour of a charlton lifethread?
A charlton lifethread would get in my head!
Who wants to wallow in some shame?
I don't!
Who wants some mock ironic fame?
I don't!
And I don't 'cos all I want is feeeeesh.
Who wants to punch a millionaire?
I don't!
Who wants his anus in the air?
I don't!
Who wants to earn his own charlton life thread?
do I want a thread?
Oh how I do not!
Who wants to lamp one on a star?
I don't!
Who wants the ire of c lifers?
I don't!
Who wants a violent charity do?
I don't!
Cos all I want is feeeeeeesh.
Who wants to punch a millionaire?
I don't!
And see his face swell up everywhere?
I don't!
Who wants to hide behind a bloody facade?
A bloody facade acting all hard?
No sir.
Who wants to trade on violence?
I don't!
Or ride in michael jacksons ambulance?
I don't!
Or run whitney houston a bath?
I don't!
And I don't 'cos all I want is feeeesssshhh!
I've a cutting (with photos) of the melee following me biting a packet of Halls after it made my dear old Mum choke.
I had to run like a bastard though as it went menthol.
Come kick-off, I spotted a bald, sickly looking bloke in the crowd playing a trumpet. I climbed up into the stands & kicked the crap out of him.
The Manager went mental. He said "NO you stupid bastard - I said take out Rocastle!"
Had on me dancers sharpish over the border to Innsbruck for a couple of years till the dust settled. Made my way back to the smoke and a heroes reception down the allotment.