I posted these on another forum and they seemed to be quite well received:

Assassins do it from behind.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Could you drive any better if I shoved that mobile phone up your a*se?

Death is hereditary.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.