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Losing a friend, and what's normal? (+ I'm back!)
LuckyReds
Posts: 5,866
Heyup Ladies and Gents.
I gave CharltonLife a swerve over the summer, not actually for any real reason; a couple of days turned in to a week and then a week turned in to a month.. and so on. All the while there seemed to be one thing after another; work, relationship drama, work... I figured I'd come back for the new season - hopefully with a little less strife in the background, and I'd be able totry and enjoy the football again. (Especially as a mate has moved in a 5 minute walk away from The Valley!)
Sadly though, two days after my birthday I found out that my best friend had sadly passed away. I'd known him since I was about 16, and in addition to helping him "come out" to his friends and family - he helped me through some really rough times myself. He was quite honestly one of the only people I could ever be painfully blunt and honest with; and despite being complete opposites sexually, politically, professionally and socially.. he was a complete and utter legend to me.
He was the kind of guy you'd ring smashed at 1am, who'd get a taxi to wherever you are, eat a McDonalds with you whilst you sober up, before carrying on until 4 or 5. I'd introduced him to every friendship group I had, and he became an integral part of my life.. I just never noticed how much so. Without fail I'd get missed calls at 2am or so a couple of times a week, as he'd struggle to sleep and want "a quick chat" that would last a good hour or so. We also had plans for me to show him Copenhagen, he to show me one of his favourite cities, and to have a lads camping trip over the summer.
Now.. he's gone. It's all a bit weird, as I never really imagined burying a mate in my twenties. I'm not sure if it's sunk in, and I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I'm just wondering, is there a normal way to deal with this? I'm absolutely bricking it about the funeral, and I'm currently on-site at a client office that overlooks Camden Loch: a place that we'd spent countless nights putting the world to rights in various stages of sobriety.. and I just feel numb.
I guess my lonely little world has got that bit lonelier.
I gave CharltonLife a swerve over the summer, not actually for any real reason; a couple of days turned in to a week and then a week turned in to a month.. and so on. All the while there seemed to be one thing after another; work, relationship drama, work... I figured I'd come back for the new season - hopefully with a little less strife in the background, and I'd be able to
Sadly though, two days after my birthday I found out that my best friend had sadly passed away. I'd known him since I was about 16, and in addition to helping him "come out" to his friends and family - he helped me through some really rough times myself. He was quite honestly one of the only people I could ever be painfully blunt and honest with; and despite being complete opposites sexually, politically, professionally and socially.. he was a complete and utter legend to me.
He was the kind of guy you'd ring smashed at 1am, who'd get a taxi to wherever you are, eat a McDonalds with you whilst you sober up, before carrying on until 4 or 5. I'd introduced him to every friendship group I had, and he became an integral part of my life.. I just never noticed how much so. Without fail I'd get missed calls at 2am or so a couple of times a week, as he'd struggle to sleep and want "a quick chat" that would last a good hour or so. We also had plans for me to show him Copenhagen, he to show me one of his favourite cities, and to have a lads camping trip over the summer.
Now.. he's gone. It's all a bit weird, as I never really imagined burying a mate in my twenties. I'm not sure if it's sunk in, and I'm not sure how I should be feeling. I'm just wondering, is there a normal way to deal with this? I'm absolutely bricking it about the funeral, and I'm currently on-site at a client office that overlooks Camden Loch: a place that we'd spent countless nights putting the world to rights in various stages of sobriety.. and I just feel numb.
I guess my lonely little world has got that bit lonelier.
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Comments
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Sorry for your loss LuckyReds, sometimes you do not appreciate friends, especially when you are young, until they are not there any more, but you did seem to realise how lucky you were, even if only for a short time1
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RIP to your mate LuckyReds and welcome back.0
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Sorry to hear of your loss. Sounds like a good friend indeed.0
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Sorry to hear your sad news0
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Very pleased to see you back but sad about the circumstances that have brought you back.
What's normal? Everyone is different and reaction to a bereavement reflects that. Some people want to 'do something' straightaway like clear the house for example others want to take time and reflect.
There's no 'right' or 'wrong' way. Funerals are daunting, especially if you have to speak or read and you are not the type of personality that does such things easily in public. Yet in a strange way they can be comforting too in that you realise that everyone there had some sort of connection with the deceased and are trying to cope so you are not as alone in your grief as you thought.
In short go with your feelings they are not 'right' or 'wrong' and you will know instinctively what contribution you can make to giving him a good send off.
RIP to your mate.9 -
Sorry to hear your news.
There is no 'normal'. You need to keep thinking of the great times you had. The sadness will always be there but you will have so many happy memories that eventually you will be able to smile about him again.
Be pleased that you were privileged to know him and that he loved your friendship.2 -
Sorry to hear of your loss. As others have said, there is no normal when it comes to grieving. You must do what you feel to be best. R.I.P. to your friend.1
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Numb, shocked, sad, choked up, angry
I lost one of my best pals in a horrible way when he smashed his head playing football. There is a thread on it somewhere and the people on here where very kind. I'm not the type of person who feels the need to talk about stuff like this generally for support but I found the support albeit virtual and from a lot of people I didn't know very therapeutic. I won't ever get over losing him but I have learned that I can reflect happily on stories and things we used to get up to as opposed to feeling a stab in my throat and heart whenever I thought of him.
It's coming up to 8 years and it doesn't get any easier you just deal with it. The funeral will be a key part of that and whilst you won't ever forget your mate you have to live your life.
I'm sorry for your loss, your friend sounded like a great bloke9 -
Big hug to you at this sad time.
RIP your friend.0 -
Mate I am gutted to hear you have lost a true friend.0
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Sorry for your loss.0
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Sorry for ur loss mate
Just remember the good times u had together
They will help u move forward
Atb0 -
What a sad tale......though you will always cherish some very happy memories.
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Sorry to hear about your loss. It's never easy. The fact that you can and have expressed how you're feeling is a good sign that you'll be able to cope and find a useful perspective, however difficult that may be.2
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So sorry to hear it.
It's fine to not be fine, just so you're aware when you're feeling it's tough. I really hope you start feeling better soon.1 -
Lucky sorry for your loss, only just seen this thread. Good to have you back0
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It's a terrible situation and I really feel for you.
I lost my best mate to an aneurysm in his early 30s. The kindest and most generous guy you could ever want to meet. Left a wife and two young daughters, all of whom still attend The Valley regularly.
Got into a couple of scrapes because of him, but he was the type of guy you stood up for, because he was never really ever able to do it for himself.
Just remember the good times you had with him. Those moments where you laughed together or at each other. And go to the funeral, celebrate his life and get rat arsed.7 -
What sad news. Thoughts with you. Good to see you back.0
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Terribly sad story and I feel for you. I lost a good mate just before last Christmas and it was a real shock, I still remember the phone call Sunday morning after he'd passed away.
The funeral will help (it did for all of us).
Sorry again for your loss (but good to see you back)3 -
Mate nothing said is really going to help as it never really does when you lose somebody that is a big part of your life but try as others have said to remember the good times. Maybe going to those places/cities in memory of him and have a drink in his honour.4
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Very sad. Sorry for your loss0
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I'm so sorry to hear that mate. Was just thinking about you the other day and meant to drop you a line. Certainly glad to have you back. Remember you're not alone, and you have all of us internet weirdos and creeps here with you.2
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Very sorry about your loss. It distorts everything- I lost my best mate two years ago and it felt as if the planet was different suddenly. It hits everyone differently and you have to try and keep the good memories while grieving. Not the best I'm afraid. I lost my mum last week so we're in a similar state, but at the same time, its never the same. Good friends always are a help.3
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Sorry to hear that LuckyReds.
The funeral is for the living. There's no right or wrong way to respond at it (well, there are wrong ways I guess, but you're not going to dance around the coffin naked except for an Alan Pardew mask, are you?)
Are you involved in organising it? Depending on who's organising it has anyone asked you for input? Even if it is just stories about your friend, it's an important part of remembering them and that's part of grieving. It doesn't have to be you speaking either - that's what the person taking the funeral can do. I've been to quite a few recently, and organised my dad's a couple of months ago. A good one will be memorable and will contain tears and memories and make you feel better, even if it feels wrenching at the time. I got a mate to do my dad's as I was worried about it being someone none of us knew. It was informal and worked - partly because he talked to me and my sister and worked really hard to create a celebration of my dad's life.
I lost a good mate in my mid 20s. We'd been in bands and done other things together and he'd found the love of his life ... and then he was gone. It was just before the Poll Tax riot, which he would have loved because he hated the government and the poll tax and loved a ruck. I don't remember much about the funeral - I know one close friend was due to speak and couldn't in the end, he was so overcome. It didn't matter that he couldn't - what mattered was that we all came together to remember him and started the journey through our grief.
It'll be tough, but there will be ways through it. Accept that you're going to be grieving and that some things will take longer (or not happen) and your priorities will change.
Take care and if you need help, here is as good a place as any to ask.
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Sorry for your loss mate. Life can be fantastic at times but it can equally be challenging at others. Losing people close to you is a horrible part of that journey and sadly there is no easy way of dealing with it. Deep breaths and chin up pal0
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It's good to see you back, mate - and my deepest condolences for your loss. My mind has wandered towards that scenario for me, and even then, I doubt I can imagine what it would be like.
As a fellow twenty-something, who has lost two relatives (a grandmother and aunt) and two school/university friends in the last three years or so - there's no real right or wrong way to process things.
You can cry; you can feel nothing; if it was coming, then hell, I even felt relieved when my relatives passed (both had Alzheimers/dementia and were in a bad way)...
When my mates passed - things were a bit foggy. I didn't even know them all too well - rather, they were part of the make-up/texture of my experiences, and important parts at that, and when they were gone, it felt as if something had been taken away - not that I could put my finger on what. I was a little aimless for a while.
I can't imagine how aimless I'd be if it were one of my best/closest friends who died.
The most important thing is to give yourself time; and remember that you can express yourself - find an outlet for that. CL might be part of it.
Also - and this is something that I've found helps not only when grieving but when addressing other mental health struggles - eat well; sleep well; keep up your normal activities as much as possible. It's very difficult - in my second year at uni, I fell into a vicious depressive cycle - but I managed to claw back out of it.
Counselling may help - I know friends who swear by it and friends who need it - but equally, I know those who didn't find it helpful. Maybe think about it.
I hope there's a few useful things in that text dump.
Above all, do your best, mate - and think about how your friend might want you to act. I'm sure he's willing you on.
If you ever need to talk, shoot me a message.4 -
sorry to read of your loss LuckyReds.
There is no right or wrong way to deal with your grief, no right or wrong way as to what you should/shouldn't do, say or feel you just have to deal with it in the best way for you personally.
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