Bert, at 85 years of age, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?
Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what’s different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"
“Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Without missing a beat Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat.”
When a certain cricketer (and future England captain) let's call him 'Jeff' first joined the 1st XI squad at Yorkshire, the head coach was a stickler for punctuality and effort at training, everybody had to be on time, every day, without fail, no excuses and work their nuts off, no passengers - or they weren't getting selected - probably carrying the drinks for the 2nd XI. First week, Jeff noticed that Head Coach was never there for the training session after lunch - he'd pop out as the players sat down to their meal and not return - afternoons were nets and fielding practice but no HC. A week in and J's talent with the bat was clear for all to see. Captain and batting coach both told him, look Jeff, you're in form, seeing it well, you don't have to spend every afternoon out here slogging your guts out, you can nick off early, miss a few afternoons, do something more fun, spend time with your new girlfriend, decorate your flat, y'know just relax, the matches will take care of themselves. J was reluctant - "but HC is such a disciplinarian, I don't wanna get on his wrong side, I'd better stick at it in training" They told him he was wasting his time, HC never came back in the afternoons, but Joe stuck to the regime. A week or so later, freezing cold day in Leeds, J thinks sod this fielding practice for hours, I'll bail out and go home - tells Captain he's off and is cheerfully sent home. J gets home, to his new flat and hears something going on in the bedroom, looking around the door there's HC balls deep in J's gf, they're at it hammer and tongs oblivious of his return. J dodges out, flummoxed and sits in his car outside til he sees HC leave. Next day at training, he stays after lunch. Captain surprised to see him in the nets in the afternoon says "Jeff, what you still doing here, thought you were gonna be swerving afternoons?"
An elderly couple have been dating for some time and decide it is finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embark on a long conversation regarding how their marriage will work. They discuss, finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decides it is time to broach the subject of their connubial relationship.
”How do you feel about sex?” He asks hopefully.
“Well, I’d have to say I like it infrequently”, she responds.
The old guy pauses, then asks “Was that one word or two?”
Comments
None of her clients looked surprised.
Bert, at 85 years of age, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the Mrs. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?
Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what’s different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"
“Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!”
Without missing a beat Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat.”
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Describe yourself in 3 words
'Efficient.'
First week, Jeff noticed that Head Coach was never there for the training session after lunch - he'd pop out as the players sat down to their meal and not return - afternoons were nets and fielding practice but no HC.
A week in and J's talent with the bat was clear for all to see. Captain and batting coach both told him, look Jeff, you're in form, seeing it well, you don't have to spend every afternoon out here slogging your guts out, you can nick off early, miss a few afternoons, do something more fun, spend time with your new girlfriend, decorate your flat, y'know just relax, the matches will take care of themselves.
J was reluctant - "but HC is such a disciplinarian, I don't wanna get on his wrong side, I'd better stick at it in training"
They told him he was wasting his time, HC never came back in the afternoons, but Joe stuck to the regime.
A week or so later, freezing cold day in Leeds, J thinks sod this fielding practice for hours, I'll bail out and go home - tells Captain he's off and is cheerfully sent home.
J gets home, to his new flat and hears something going on in the bedroom, looking around the door there's HC balls deep in J's gf, they're at it hammer and tongs oblivious of his return.
J dodges out, flummoxed and sits in his car outside til he sees HC leave.
Next day at training, he stays after lunch. Captain surprised to see him in the nets in the afternoon says "Jeff, what you still doing here, thought you were gonna be swerving afternoons?"
Jeff: "Not anymore skipper, nearly got caught skiving yesterday"
”How do you feel about sex?” He asks hopefully.
“Well, I’d have to say I like it infrequently”, she responds.
The old guy pauses, then asks “Was that one word or two?”
Definitely something fishy going on there.