Attention: Please take a moment to consider our terms and conditions before posting.

Jokes..

1211212214216217281

Comments

  • What did the drummer call his twin daughters? 
    Anna one Anna two..... 
  • My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana.

    I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.


  • A German Shepherd, Doberman Pinscher, and English Staffordshire Bull Terrier have died and all three are faced with God at the pearly gates who wants to know what they believe in. 
    The German Shepherd says, “I believe in discipline, training and loyalty to my master.”
    “Good,” says God “then you shall sit by my right side.”
    “Doberman, what do you believe in?” Asked God. 
    Doberman answered, “I believe in the love, care and protection of my master.” 
    “Aha.” God said, “you may sit by my left side.” 
    He looks at the Staffordshire Bull Terrier  and asks, “what do you believe?” 
    The Staffy answers, “I believe you are sitting in my seat.”


  • A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

    So, when they send the woman for the 5lb programme, how do they know he's heterosexual?  Is that a question on the application form?
  • A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

    "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

    So, when they send the woman for the 5lb programme, how do they know he's heterosexual?  Is that a question on the application form?
    Do you ask because you are not sure how fast you would run?
  • Sponsored links:


  • Why did god create yeast infections.....? 
    So that women would also know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt. 
  • ozaddick said:
    Why did god create yeast infections.....? 
    So that all women can know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt, not just the sorry few who've met oz. 
    fixed it for you oz
  • ROTW said:
    If it helps, yes.
    Thanks. I can laugh now. 
  • Sponsored links:


  • I turned down a job as an waxers assistant. It was taking ladies panties off, and rubbing in oil after. Trouble was I had to go to Cornwall. That's where the end of the queue was. 
  • So after recent trip the opticians I finally got the results. 

    Turns out I’m colour blind. 

    This diagnosis has come right out of the Purple. 
  • It's a shame to see 80s pop stars fall on hard times.
    I understand Elvis Costello has just got a job at the McVitie's biscuit factory - as a security guard.
    He's watching the Digestives.
Sign In or Register to comment.

Roland Out Forever!