My boyfriend's a right bastard. He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then, after a while shot his muck deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do?
My boyfriend's a right bastard. He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then, after a while shot his muck deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do?
Sharon, Essex
Must tell the wife to stop writing to Valerie! (and her name's Sharon!)
My boyfriend's a right bastard. He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then, after a while shot his muck deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do?
Sharon, Essex
Nice one Macronate, got to go down as the best joke of 2019 so far.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.'
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back
My wife says that if I don't stop being so pedantic I will eventually have less and less friends. "No, I won't", I replied. "I will have fewer and fewer friends".
Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all in a bar. Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."
Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."
So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
A young South London woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the water but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Woolwich Ferry."
Comments
Confucius say... Kiss is merely shopping upstairs, for merchandise downstairs.
Confucius say... Better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius say... Sex is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Confucius say... Viagra just like Disneyland. One hour wait for five minute ride.
Confucius say... Much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius say... Joke is like sex. Neither any good if you don't get it.
My boyfriend's a right bastard. He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob into my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then, after a while shot his muck deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do?
Sharon, Essex
What do you get if you cross a pirate and a paedophile?
Arrr Kelly
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
It’s their Tit for Tat special.
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
When a cockney runs out of PG Tips
I'm gutted, we'd been together for nearly three seasons.
So I gritted my teeth.
Her friend Eileen wasn't to happy about it.
She didn't even know I existed.
Two people didn't show up though, so I had to take matters into my own hands.
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."
Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."
So Chuck continues, "All right, this may sound silly, but I was actually thinking about doing a movie on great classical composers."
That's when Arnold throws himself in the conversation and says, "That sounds like a great idea! Sylvester, you can be Mozart, and Chuck can be Beethoven!"
"And who will you be, Arnold?"
"I'll be Bach."
He said, “F*** off. Get your own.”
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose and the prospect of going to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn.
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Woolwich Ferry."
The wife said she wanted to go and see Jeremy Kyle live for her birthday.
So... I got her sister pregnant!, we're on next Wednesday!
I ordered a chicken and an egg off of Amazon.
I’ll let you know.