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Jokes..

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  • Roses are Red,
    My name is Dan,
    this poem makes no sense,
    Batman.
  • Was it an iron bar ?
  • "Life is not the way it's supposed to be, it's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

    After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, a navy fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital bed in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

    The nurse looked him straight in the eye, giving him a serious look. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot but also a sailor, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word. "I'm sorry, but you may not feel anything from the waist down."

    Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Okay, can I feel your tits then?"

    And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude!

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  • I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

    He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"

    I replied, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair."

    My hearing aid is on order!

  • Some geezer just went at me with a blade.
    Don't worry, I'm not hurt but it was a close shave.
  • Medical Term    Redneck Definition

    Artery    The study of paintings
    Bacteria    Back door to a cafeteria
    Barium    What doctors do when patients die
    Benign    What you be, after you be eight
    Caesarean Section    A neighbourhood in Rome
    Cat scan    Searching for Kitty
    Cauterize    Made eye contact with her
    Colic    A sheep dog
    Coma    A punctuation mark
    Dilate    To live long
    Enema    Not a friend
    Fester    Quicker than someone else
    Fibula    A small lie
    Impotent    Distinguished, well known
    Labour Pain    Getting hurt at work
    Medical Staff    A Doctor's cane
    Morbid    A higher offer
    Nitrates    Rates of pay for working at night. Normally more money than day rates
    Node    I knew it
    Outpatient    A person who has fainted
    Pelvis    Second cousin to Elvis
    Post Operative    A letter carrier
    Recovery Room    Place to do upholstery
    Rectum    Nearly killed him
    Secretion    Hiding something
    Seizure    Roman Emperor
    Tablet    A small table
    Terminal Illness    Getting sick at the airport
    Tumour    One plus one more
    Urine    Opposite of you're out

  • edited February 2019
    The woman across the street keeps flashing me from her upstairs window.
    I have absolutely no idea how she got the car up there though!
  • We desperately need a Groan button.
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  • What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?

    you can’t marmalade your cock up a girls arse
    Genuine lol for that one 
  • What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
    It doesn’t cost 50 quid to have a lentil on your face.
  • What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?

    you can’t marmalade your cock up a girls arse
    Oh yes you can !
  • What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?

    you can’t marmalade your cock up a girls arse
    Brilliant
  • Why did the pervert cross the road?

    Because he couldn’t get his knob out of the chicken 
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