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Jokes..

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  • Did you hear about the fella that got run over by a mobile library?

    He was screaming in agony in the middle of the road. The driver stopped. Got out and said...... Sssssshuuuusshhh!
  • The only songs you're allowed to sing at my local church are 'Anyone Who Had a Heart' and 'Big Spender'. I think the priest accidentally took a vow of Cilla Bassey.
  • I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted.

    My boss rushed over, "Don't do that again."

    "Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

    "That's fine but there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."
  • An attractive woman from New York is driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car breaks down. An Indian on horseback comes along and offers her a ride to a nearby town. She climbs up behind him on the horse and they ride off.

    The ride is uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian lets out a "Whoo!". It's so loud that it echoes from the surrounding hills. When they arrive in town, he lets her off at the local service station, and yells one final "Yahoo!". Then he rides off.

    "what did you do to get that Indian so excited" asks the service station attendant.

    "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held on to his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off"

    "Lady', the attendant says, 'Indians ride bareback"
  • Taxi_Lad said:

    .

    Surely, that joke is well pasta its sell by date
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  • The Queen and President Trump are riding in the Royal carriage down Pall Mall chatting politely when one of the horses breaks wind. The smell is terrible and bothe the Queen and President Trump are too embarrassed to say anything until the Queen breaks the awkward silence.

    Mr President, I'm so sorry. As you now realise, there are some things over which even the Queen of England has no control"

    Very graciously President Trump replies "Think nothing of it Your Majesty. If you not said anything, I would have thought it was the horse".
  • Two months ago, I decided to stop masturbating. Since then, I haven't really felt myself.
  • edited October 5

    The Queen and President Trump are riding in the Royal carriage down Pall Mall chatting politely when one of the horses breaks wind. The smell is terrible and bothe the Queen and President Trump are too embarrassed to say anything until the Queen breaks the awkward silence.

    Mr President, I'm so sorry. As you now realise, there are some things over which even the Queen of England has no control"

    Very graciously President Trump replies "Think nothing of it Your Majesty. If you not said anything, I would have thought it was the horse".

    Bligus when this one first came out, 110 years ago, it was Queen Victoria and the Kaiser, and it was bloody old then!
  • Fergal sharkey has been spotted looking around salvage and reclamation yards, seems a good hearth is hard to find
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  • What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

    When a rooster wakes up in the morning, it's primal urge is to cluck defiance.
  • “Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”

    She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella.
  • A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.

    A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

    She screamed, "No! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

    He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

    She didn't jump, which goes to show that suicide counselling really works!
  • My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.

    His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
  • I met the man who invented crosswords last week. I can't remember his name but it's P-something, t-something, r.
  • Surely every car is a people carrier.
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