Couldn't get my woollen jumper off last night....all the buttons were broken so tried to pull it over my head and got stuck.....I'm in A&E now waiting to see the cardyologist.
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
😷 Nudist Colony A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day... 😂😂
😷 Nudist Colony A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day... 😂😂
Me: Hang on a sec. *googles* By 285 AD, the Roman Empire had grown so vast that it was no longer feasible to govern all the provinces from the central seat of Rome. The Emperor Diocletian divided the...
My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory...
Lost my job as lifeguard down at the local swimming baths. Apparently it was unacceptable behaviour to point to the “No Bombing” sign as a family of Muslims passed by
A gay fella sidles up to a scouser sitting at the bar and whispered into his ear. The scouser looked horrified and in a fit of rage knocked him spark out!!!
The barman came over and asked what the gay man had said.
A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your captain speaking. We're on our final descent into St. John's, Newfoundland. I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on "The Rock".".
He forgets to switch off the intercom and the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?"
"Well," says the captain, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, and then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the old baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile the new stewardess, seated at the very back of the plane, is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls. The old lady leans over and says, "There's no need to hurry dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."
Comments
"It's not our fault" said the librarian.
"That's the one" I replied.
so tried to pull it over my head and got stuck.....I'm in A&E now waiting to see the cardyologist.
I've only my shelf to blame.
I'm right behind that...
2x2 makes 4
3x3 makes 9
How come 0x0 makes gravy?
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts...
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new,' says
the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day...
😂😂
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a book store under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a safe place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true and where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Ladies, go braless It will usually pull them out.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."
He is now high on my list of people I don't want to see again.
Lewis Hamilton.
Eddie Irvine.
Stirling Moss.
Ayr Town Centre.
It does nothing for your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
Reminds me of me 😣😣
She said no… anyway that was a month ago, Chocolate’s dead now.
Me: Hang on a sec. *googles* By 285 AD, the Roman Empire had grown so vast that it was no longer feasible to govern all the provinces from the central seat of Rome. The Emperor Diocletian divided the...
Son: [sadly] With some Caesars.
Little did they know that Noah had a second boat which had several decks just for fish, due to the many different varieties of Carp
It was a Multi-Storey Carp Ark
I would rather her postcard had said "having a lovely time, wish you were here", to be honest.
Personally I think he torques out of his bottom
The most common one seems to be, "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"
The shopkeeper said, "Still water?"
"Yeah, I haven't changed my mind!" I replied.
There was nothing left but de brie!
Why didn't I think of that?
"Let's take an example. If I were to get into a man's pocket & take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
A little boy raises his hand and with a confident smile, says, "You'd be his wife!"
“Turn our the light and I’ll take it up the arse”
In hindsight I should’ve let the bulb cool down first
The scouser looked horrified and in a fit of rage knocked him spark out!!!
The barman came over and asked what the gay man had said.
“Don’t know” he replied “ something about a job”
He was screaming in agony in the middle of the road. The driver stopped. Got out and said...... Sssssshuuuusshhh!
He forgets to switch off the intercom and the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?"
"Well," says the captain, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap, and then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the old baloney pony all night long."
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
Meanwhile the new stewardess, seated at the very back of the plane, is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls. The old lady leans over and says, "There's no need to hurry dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."