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Jokes..

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  • I accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day.

    My trial starts on Monday.


    Nope, don't see the joke in this one. Whether intentional or accidental, I can find anything that makes saying Hello a criminal or civil offence.
  • I accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day.

    My trial starts on Monday.


    Nope, don't see the joke in this one. Whether intentional or accidental, I can find anything that makes saying Hello a criminal or civil offence.
    I don’t get it
    From what I've read on this forum, that's not true at all.
  • I accidentally said hello to a feminist the other day.

    My trial starts on Monday.


    Nope, don't see the joke in this one. Whether intentional or accidental, I can find anything that makes saying Hello a criminal or civil offence.
    I don’t get it
    Nor me ....
  • Ha!
    jesse.jpg
    750 x 750 - 48K
  • I was in a pub the other day when a bloke walked in with a dog turd in his hand and said “Look what I almost stepped in.”
  • I was in a pub the other day when a bloke walked in with a dog turd in his hand and said “Look what I almost stepped in.”

    I recall telling you that I'd done that, which is when you tried to hit me.
  • Yesterday afternoon I narrowly avoided having an accident with an ice cream van.


    He must've been a sundae driver.
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  • CAFCsayer said:

    All my German friends have blocked me since Germany’s exit from the World Cup ! My phone is now completely Hans Free

    Just about to post that ffs
  • Life can still be fun as an elderly man!

    Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. "Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

    Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

    She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with some of the other old fellows.

    So I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

    She replied, "Are you nuts? You are over 75 and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

    I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

    She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

    “Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

    The line went dead.

    Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
  • My mate needed a bone marrow transplant

    We found a match in Argentina

    The operation was a success

    Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor.
  • A ninety year old man decided to be a streaker at the Chelsea Flower Show.

    He one second prize for his dried arrangement.
  • Two cows in a field, the first one went moo. The second one said that's funny I was going to say that.
  • Two cows in a field, the first one went moo. The second one said that's funny I was going to say that.

    Did the first cow reply “comfortable home win 4-0”?
  • 25May98 said:

    A ninety year old man decided to be a streaker at the Chelsea Flower Show.

    He one second prize for his dried arrangement.

    To bring out another one from the archive:

    A ninety year-old woman decided to streak through the lounge at an old people's home.

    Two old boys sitting in the lounge watched the event.

    One said to the other "Was that Joan?" His companion replied "I believe so." His bemused friend enquired "But what was she wearing?"

    The reply was "I don't know. Whatever it was, it certainly needed ironing."
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  • edited July 5
    cafcfan said:

    25May98 said:

    A ninety year old man decided to be a streaker at the Chelsea Flower Show.

    He one second prize for his dried arrangement.

    To bring out another one from the archive:

    A ninety year-old woman decided to streak through the lounge at an old people's home.

    Two old boys sitting in the lounge watched the event.

    One said to the other "Was that Joan?" His companion replied "I believe so." His bemused friend enquired "But what was she wearing?"

    The reply was "I don't know. Whatever it was, it certainly needed ironing."
    May 14th 1977.

    First time I heard that one, it was a tuesday and it rained.

    Have you heard about the woman taking a bath and the blind man turns up??
  • A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
    The store clerks called an ambulance. when they saw him collapse to the floor.
    The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

    He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
    A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
    She asked him how he was going to Pay for his treatment.

    "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
    The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank."
    Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
    He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

    The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
    The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law
  • Halix said:

    cafcfan said:

    25May98 said:

    A ninety year old man decided to be a streaker at the Chelsea Flower Show.

    He one second prize for his dried arrangement.

    To bring out another one from the archive:

    A ninety year-old woman decided to streak through the lounge at an old people's home.

    Two old boys sitting in the lounge watched the event.

    One said to the other "Was that Joan?" His companion replied "I believe so." His bemused friend enquired "But what was she wearing?"

    The reply was "I don't know. Whatever it was, it certainly needed ironing."
    May 14th 1977.

    First time I heard that one, it was a tuesday and it rained.

    Have you heard about the woman taking a bath and the blind man turns up??
    No, I haven't heard that one, was he Roman?
  • Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

    On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

    "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. Then there's the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

    "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

    "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
  • edited July 9


    May 14th 1977.

    First time I heard that one, it was a tuesday and it rained.

    Have you heard about the woman taking a bath and the blind man turns up??

    No, I haven't heard that one, was he Roman?

    Venetian I believe.
  • Historically we all like trains.....so heres Robbie Coaltrain.
    Robbie.jpg
    780 x 520 - 84K
  • Quality that one Sarge.
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